I forgotten what it feels like to be myself. Technically, 628-43091548yft;madsgvna'ropvjkdsa /leiur[-032ui5trmg/vk a'lvkajhr85t02981095-39jf09wjc-[09aikf['asmv[irhyg[asof would probably summarise what is going through my head at this point of time. Then again, it's plain gibber. It doesn't make any sense, it doesn't mean anything. But in fact, it means so much that it just wraps itself with a bunch of other stuff that makes it completely meaningless. Just like what I feel right at this very moment.
Not to forget me shoving my limbs into random places and causing unnecessary pain to myself. Pretty sure it's not because of the absolute coldness that my body is feeling that brings slight numbness to the edges of my limbs, but it is also the absent mindedness that my mind is floating in. As much as I try to convince myself to snap back into reality, it just feels like there is a distant gap between where I am at and where reality is at. Somewhat like looking at a screen in front of me where everything is moving forward, almost in a very fast pace, while I am still sitting here, looking at how bizarre and frightening the things that I am looking at.
Then of course, this is all in my own mind, I should be able to easily shove it all away if I could just stop and focus on something more important and something that would be worth my time having a focus on. But why can't I just get my body back up, and walk into reality, instead of just living life bluntly?
There isn't anything wrong my life at the moment. It is somewhat of a perfect life that I almost always hoped it would have turned out just before I came over here. I have a life now. I have lovely housemates who will always be there to cheer me up and keep me company, I have ultimate frisbee to have my social life going, I have a commitment where I have something to make me step out of my comfort zone to learn more about the real world and to gain personal experiences. Everything is perfect as of now.
Hrmmm...
Friday, May 24, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Hello me darling blog!
Hasn't it been ages since I last posted something? I missed those days where I would actually have time to sit and stone, pondering about how I would create random mess in my head, and spill them out in words here. Those days may have been the loneliest days I have ever had. Those days where I only had a blog to share my innermost feelings with. Those days where all I wanted to do, was to try to be a part of the society and be accepted for who I am. But does it really mean that I have finally found life just as I always wished I could?
There isn't a doubt that I still question the miserable qualms of life. There are times where I just feel like flinging my shoes across the lecture hall, aiming towards the lectures head. Simply because I was feeling frustrated at the lecturer for having an immensely boring monotonous tone and the absence of interest in presenting his or her knowledge. Maybe it was cause I was struggling trying to fathom each and every tiny bit of knowledge that would be worth all the effort and money spent having my foot on this foreign land. Realisation hits me almost every single waking moment that I have, remembering what happened each and everyday of the previous year, seeing how much of a comparison to what I have in this present day. Determination might have driven me a little too far, causing myself to cave in to my own greed. Thankfully the gastric hadn't been giving me terrible times.
The decision in taking two majors within a single degree, was to help the future me have a broader option. The past me thought it was the wisest decision that could have occurred at that particular moment of time. The past me was happily taking the decision, making the future me have a little extra hope in the real world someday. But the current me, has fallen into pits of darkness where all that is present, is pure darkness; reaching out into nothingness.
Probably it was the wrong decision made by the past me. Probably it was the best decision made by the past me. Only the present me could determine what the future me, is going to get.
Though honestly, I love the side where I get to be a nerd and learn all the ridiculous biological terms that means nothing at the start, but makes complete sense after long duration of crucial scrutiny. NERD. Unfortunately, I could not argue if one would say that I am not nerdy enough to be considered a proper nerd. But I do like that fact that I am being as nerdy as I can. Studies have gotten so much more interesting. BUT all I need is time...
Obviously time never waits. Nor does it ever give you a second glance before moving on. Only moment when time moves extremely slowly is during... probably never. Everything is just moving with a speed of light. One moment I fall asleep, and the next I am awake, rushing to go for my first lecture which starts at 8am.. RIDIC. There are days where I have to prolong my uni hours because of meetings. Truthfully, these meetings are even more RIDIC than my 8am lectures.
On the side note, I made myself a little list of 'things I should refrain from for the whole of 2013';
1. fast food (includes fries)
2. bubbletea
3. shopping
4. skipping lectures
Good progress thus far. Though I did spend money on a new phone earlier this year, and recently dyed my hair to some funky stuff. So I guess that would be considered as shopping? And I have been drinking alot of milktea, only minus the jelly and pearls from those bubbletea stores. Other than that, I have been surviving from fast food and I have not skipped any lectures despite them being horribly early. I deserve a sticker. or two. three maybe? for the effort?
OH HOW I MISS TYPING RANDOM SHIT. <3
I remember the earlier days where I had been extremely excited of what I could possibly do this year. Dear past me, WHY?! YOU LITERALLY GAVE ME HELL. But on the bright side, I definitely learned a bucketful of experience through all those hell that you put me through. Thank you. No sarcasm. But seriously, it would have been better; dang it.
As for ultimate frisbee. Southern Uni Games, maybe? It does feel like a giant leap for me. Especially when all I ever intended was to play casually, to release some tension. I then realised that all of my friends are actually people who plays ultimate frisbee. Tell me how sad and depressing my life is. TELL ME. It's a life. These people are friendly and they are all willing to teach me and correct me when I am wrong. Not to forget the random stuff that I get to talk too. Haa.
I actually don't have any friends from my own course. Other than the occasionally appearing people from the same lab, the hi then walk away kind of friends. But I have lovely housemates. :)
Yes. This post is absolutely random, and grammatically wrong. It's 3am.
Btw, my queen sized bed is awesome.
Hasn't it been ages since I last posted something? I missed those days where I would actually have time to sit and stone, pondering about how I would create random mess in my head, and spill them out in words here. Those days may have been the loneliest days I have ever had. Those days where I only had a blog to share my innermost feelings with. Those days where all I wanted to do, was to try to be a part of the society and be accepted for who I am. But does it really mean that I have finally found life just as I always wished I could?
There isn't a doubt that I still question the miserable qualms of life. There are times where I just feel like flinging my shoes across the lecture hall, aiming towards the lectures head. Simply because I was feeling frustrated at the lecturer for having an immensely boring monotonous tone and the absence of interest in presenting his or her knowledge. Maybe it was cause I was struggling trying to fathom each and every tiny bit of knowledge that would be worth all the effort and money spent having my foot on this foreign land. Realisation hits me almost every single waking moment that I have, remembering what happened each and everyday of the previous year, seeing how much of a comparison to what I have in this present day. Determination might have driven me a little too far, causing myself to cave in to my own greed. Thankfully the gastric hadn't been giving me terrible times.
The decision in taking two majors within a single degree, was to help the future me have a broader option. The past me thought it was the wisest decision that could have occurred at that particular moment of time. The past me was happily taking the decision, making the future me have a little extra hope in the real world someday. But the current me, has fallen into pits of darkness where all that is present, is pure darkness; reaching out into nothingness.
Probably it was the wrong decision made by the past me. Probably it was the best decision made by the past me. Only the present me could determine what the future me, is going to get.
Though honestly, I love the side where I get to be a nerd and learn all the ridiculous biological terms that means nothing at the start, but makes complete sense after long duration of crucial scrutiny. NERD. Unfortunately, I could not argue if one would say that I am not nerdy enough to be considered a proper nerd. But I do like that fact that I am being as nerdy as I can. Studies have gotten so much more interesting. BUT all I need is time...
Obviously time never waits. Nor does it ever give you a second glance before moving on. Only moment when time moves extremely slowly is during... probably never. Everything is just moving with a speed of light. One moment I fall asleep, and the next I am awake, rushing to go for my first lecture which starts at 8am.. RIDIC. There are days where I have to prolong my uni hours because of meetings. Truthfully, these meetings are even more RIDIC than my 8am lectures.
On the side note, I made myself a little list of 'things I should refrain from for the whole of 2013';
1. fast food (includes fries)
2. bubbletea
3. shopping
4. skipping lectures
Good progress thus far. Though I did spend money on a new phone earlier this year, and recently dyed my hair to some funky stuff. So I guess that would be considered as shopping? And I have been drinking alot of milktea, only minus the jelly and pearls from those bubbletea stores. Other than that, I have been surviving from fast food and I have not skipped any lectures despite them being horribly early. I deserve a sticker. or two. three maybe? for the effort?
OH HOW I MISS TYPING RANDOM SHIT. <3
I remember the earlier days where I had been extremely excited of what I could possibly do this year. Dear past me, WHY?! YOU LITERALLY GAVE ME HELL. But on the bright side, I definitely learned a bucketful of experience through all those hell that you put me through. Thank you. No sarcasm. But seriously, it would have been better; dang it.
As for ultimate frisbee. Southern Uni Games, maybe? It does feel like a giant leap for me. Especially when all I ever intended was to play casually, to release some tension. I then realised that all of my friends are actually people who plays ultimate frisbee. Tell me how sad and depressing my life is. TELL ME. It's a life. These people are friendly and they are all willing to teach me and correct me when I am wrong. Not to forget the random stuff that I get to talk too. Haa.
I actually don't have any friends from my own course. Other than the occasionally appearing people from the same lab, the hi then walk away kind of friends. But I have lovely housemates. :)
Yes. This post is absolutely random, and grammatically wrong. It's 3am.
Btw, my queen sized bed is awesome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)