Here's the problem that I realised almost recently; I can't handle stress.
It isn't only the kind of stress where too much stuff taking place at one go and I didn't have enough time to get everything done in time, it was more on my mentality failing immediately at the first sign of stress. I'd like to believe that I could handle stress quite well, where I would be patient and have a breather or two before planning out which problem I should tackle first, which problem had more priority than the other. But for the past whole year, I somehow felt like everything came to me at one particular time, and each and every problem was equally important.
I remember that all I wanted was to gain experience. So whatever window that appeared before me, I would just hop on and push myself through each and every problem that came with it. What I learned that, my studies were much more difficult to handle, my judgement seemed to have deteriorated as I most likely placed my priorities in a wrong line up. To me, everything really was just as important, everything needed to be done, but everything needed time..
Firstly, I challenged myself to take up a position in being a committee member of the Malaysian society in my uni. I got sponsorship officer. In the earlier stage, I was all panicky as I had no experience at all with this sponsorship thingy. First meeting was all exciting, we planned new events for the whole year, started targeting sponsors and everything. From day 1, I knew that my job was important. Without money, the society would not run activities for the community. I somehow forsee that I will have to stay back during the summer, causing me not to buy a flight home earlier. At least that worked out for me. My enthusiasm allowed me to buy myself some time and that courage to actually learn everything about sponsorship. I find it terrifying to call someone who has higher authority than me. To talk, whatever. Because I know that they will judge me and it is absolutely difficult for me to talk in a serious tone. Based on my experience of being intimidated by others who talked to me in serious tones, I was really afraid that I couldn't bring anything to the table. The previous sponsorship gave me nothing, which means i had to start everything from scratch. I had no choice, I had to start doing something. All through summer last year, I was working, trying to find as many sponsors as I could. Cause I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, I had to communicate with my president and vice president who were both back at home.. that was pretty much hell for me. I had to go home for my break for at least a month eventually, yet I remember feeling absolutely worried about everything regarding sponsors.
The semester started and we had to have activities running. We were actually in debt as the previous committee somehow left us with debts to clear. That translates to me as : I NEED TO FIND MORE SPONSORS. Obviously I knew that, but with the president and vice president as well as the treasurer constantly saying that we didn't have enough money to have this activity, or to help subsidies stuff, I just felt like I didn't do a good job with my sponsors. Its not only this responsibility I felt for my society, but I had to fulfill what I presented to my sponsors as well. Nobody gives money for free, mannn. Also it is against my norm to ask people for money. It was so contradicting, but this was something i had to learn. Fact that I can never say, NO, made it even worse; I felt like I was making empty promises to my sponsors cause I couldn't incorporate their stuff into our society.
The first semester, I was feeling tensed most of the time. After that ordeal I had through summer, I was going home to my housemates with sour faces almost all the time after meetings. Not to mention how I felt rather lost with my double physio units that semester too. There was just too muh frustration in myself that I totally shut myself away from everyone, especially my close friends back at home. For I knew, the moment I have a chat with them, I'd probably explode. Because I know it was probably too much, I'd just kept it in.
GMB was another thing that got me greedy. It provided me a chance to be a leader, actually. I remember me going, "yolo, if I don't do this now, when will I ever get to do this?". Wrong. As if I didn't have enough shit going on in my own uni already, I stupidly went for it. Had to go through an interview for the spot. My panel of interviewers were the line of presidents of all the Malaysian societies in Melbourne. I got through that somehow, landed on a Director of Deco position. But that was a department role, I still had the head of ball to agree with. Fair enough. I was excited, of course. Immediately went places looking for cheap and good materials to work with, setting up plans on how things would work out. In the earlier stage, I had two people who were working under me. But these two were just assholes bumming about and not giving me any help at all. I had a deadline to meet, so I busted myself out and did everything I could. Just a couple of days before my deadline, my boss decided to give me some extra help. Surely that would help my workload, right? Nope. It was during the exams and who on earth would want to spend their time doing work when you have to study for the exams? As soon as the exams were over, everyone was also heading back home. I wasn't assertive at that time, but I still had the job done.. by myself. I asked the team for ideas, but it didn't work out well as everyone was on their holidays. Making a poll and asking for their survey was the best I could do to get an answer from them. Even that, took some time to be done by everyone. It was a week before the spring holidays ended, we had another gmb meeting. It was logical that nobody would turn up for the meeting, cause it was the holidays. Somehow, it was an urgent meeting. Okay.. only 4 people turned up out of the 10-11 people we have on the board.
Turns out the urgent matter was that the boss had to go home for an internship. He decided to work on this ball from home, with his secretary and treasurer being his eyes and ears. Well, a big fuck you bro. Nope, you're not even deserving enough to be MY bro. Based on my experience of working with boses at home while I was still here, tells me how badly this shit was going to work out. First of all, he'd be busy with his internship. Whatever decisions that needed his approval will have a delay. With the boss not around to push people and to encourage people, shit is not going to work. Also these top three people were insisting that I have a meeting with my people to have their opinion on deciding the decorations for the ball. After all that I have done, and with such little time, I disagreed with them and that it wasn't something I would do. Somehow it evoked into the secretary going all berserk talking as if I didn't know that I was facing a tight schedule ahead, as though I am not worried about the progress at all. I quit.
I really did quit. I thought about it for long, and decided I couldn't work with the bosses that had no trust in me at all. They kept repeating, "I trust you with the decisions you make". But when we don't present a good idea, you gave faces and showed that you didn't like them behind their backs. I felt as though they saw that I had not done anything til then, when in reality I have done more than I could handle on my own.. it just didn't feel worth it anymore.
There were so many times where I had to pick between studies, mumsu, ball and frisbee. Frisbee was the one that suffered badly. I just couldn't commit as much into it anymore. Still believing that I got through the SUG team as the seventh because they didnt have enough girls then. But it was SUG that I got to learn so much and improve. The best decision of the year. :P
Also, this year I did plan a trip for mumsu's easter camp. But it didn't get through, because we didn't have enough money. Yeah.. it was then where I just lost hope in myself in mumsu, actually. From then on, I just laid back in the shadows a little more and did most of the support part.
I literally went crazy a couple of times. Luckily I was crazy enough to have the courage to quit the ball committee, otherwise I'd probably be crying my eyeballs out this month.
I was already thinking that I could finally have my rest from everything once mumsu had its agm. But I knew part of me wasn't willing to let it go and still help out, but part of me wanted to be selfish and just drop it. I guess I wasn't selfish enough to decline.
Now I am just scared that I'll go through the same shit I went through this year. Yes, I learned alot this year. But I am scarred by the negativity that I plummeted myself into this year. I really am terrified.
