Meeting new people allows me to learn more about people and ponder monte about what I would want and what I would not want in my near future.
This time, I have spent a week with a dear friend of my mom's in Auckland. To be honest, I just came along not having any expectations about anything at all. Whether if I had to stay in for the entire time or if it was a full blown trip, I'd be fine either way. What struck me was the fact that my mom's friend seem like she wanted to bring us about yet at the same time she seemed abit burdened by it. Maybe it's my mom that secretly expects to be treated well or maybe there's something that I don't know that is happening between the two.
Relationships between people can be very messy and complicated. Sometimes I wonder why it is necessary for us to mingle with people when truthfully, it is all just 'you benefit me in some way and I can tolerate your requests' feeling in most of the relationships. For my mom and I, it really is difficult dealing with each other sometimes, especially since we haven't been spending quality times together.
I mean it's ridiculous that my mother and I bicker about me eating and what not when the family that we live with has a daughter of 12 years old have no problems with anything. I felt embarrassed at myself for being however my life has brought me. That ten years gap felt really strange and I wanted the best for her, hoping she doesn't end up with the bad things that I still had in me. Yet at the same time it's so hard to balance between being interesting and fun to a kid instead of boring the crap and scaring them with the reality of life. One thing though, I could not remember that I was that carefree when I was at that age. Possibly quiet as heck due to my fear for everything around me. At least happier for not knowing that seeking happiness is a thing now. Back then, happiness was all that we had.
Mom's friend's sister is 51 and is currently looking for a mate. Her daughter is getting married next year with a french guy. And her cat with her ex boyfriend of 7 years died today. Apparently she didn't cry as bad when her mother died. Huh. Look how much information I got out of being here only for 4 days. :/ sometimes I wish I didn't have to know all these family dramas. I mean I'd feel embarrassed letting people know how my mother and I interact with each other. She still sees me as a child and I refuse to grow up; the perfect combination for embarrassment.
I dislike that my mom sees me as a kid but I know I can't help it sometimes. We bicker over ridiculous things like 'give it to her, she'll eat it' when I just don't want to eat it anymore. And it would be a bad thing for me to say NO because I'm living in somebody else's home, saying NO is just rude. But even when I say no, mom will still shove it into my plate and I have to eat it. It's a pretty horrible feeling, to feel embarrassed and be embarrassed by your own people. I don't know why we do that. I just want to be away from my mother where I can just be me and not have my mother constantly judging and talking shit about me in front of me. :/
Then again, I see her very rarely, I suppose I can take a couple of hits before I black out. But part pf me wishes that she would just let me grow up already.
Nope. Human life is just complicated as fuck. I just want to return to my own sanctuary and figure myself out on my own. Building self confidence is gonna take a whole lot of me strength. That's hard.
