Every now and then I question what I eat and what I have become out of my diet. Not much, other than I am losing weight by the day. Is it possible to lose more now? The day when I hit 50kg was a glorious day, it made me really happy and everyone around me who noticed the change was happy too..? No. They told me I needed to eat more, gain a little bit more weight and I would be perfect! But why perfect?
I lost appetite almost immediately. I knew I didn't intend to gain weight, it was the culture difference and the excitement of new food that got me eating almost anything that was placed in front of me. First year in a different country, that was the change and everything was exciting. Whether the food was bad, I wouldn't have known because I just wanted to try EVERYTHING!
But what happened?
I think university and life happened. Everything was going into a autopilot now. I knew what was good and what wasn't good for my palate. I also discovered that good food costs double of what mundane food would cost. Alternative was cooking and that was time consuming. So, I started eating less food, more 'junk' food if you must say. But food in general doesn't interest me as much as it used to.
You know what's worst? Nobody could ever stop talking about how skinny I am! Imagine meeting somebody and the first thing they mention is your body figure. Flattering, but you know it doesn't end well; 'you need to eat more', 'why are you eating', 'no money to buy food?'.
*why is it that I am so bothered by what people have to say about me? I don't know, maybe you can tell me why would you actually ask that kind of question, ey?*
Though present day, I do cook more often. But my interest in food is sort of the reason why I am refusing to eat most of the time. I really want to eat something good, but the money I have to pay for it doesn't quite justify the value. Current mentality is that: if its not worth the money, don't spend it, don't eat it. I try to remind myself that I need to eat, but I just don't know how!
In case you're wondering if I am worried about my weight at all, I am. I am worried that I am way below the recommended BMI that somewhere in my body, its weakening some functions. If you think that I am losing weight because I think I am fat, I am not. I just don't know how to make myself eat food normally.
It really is a struggle.
I am not proud being skinny, but I have definitely accepted that I have this body. Some people make remarks of jealousy saying, 'unlike you, you don't ever have to worry about getting fat! The moment I eat this and I'd explode into a pumpkin'.
Sigh. You don't know my pains. But I'll let you have your moment of self pity.
