I feel like I have lost control of my own life.

Thank goodness I haven't done anything insane or detrimental to my own wellbeing..
Fuck.

I have problems with eating.  Maybe it's eating disorder. But nobody can help me? I mean. I don't think anybody would understand why I am the way I am.

Here's one example.
Jinwei knows I only eat food that I want to eat. He also knows I don't mind starving. He also understands  how this is making me physically weaker than I should be.

But I mean, I don't think there's anything he can do. Other than just making sure I don't die, right?

I can tell you now that I am just absolutely hungry. But I refuse to eat. I think that there's no food for me to eat. In reality, there's plenty of food downstairs for me to eat. They just aren't food I would feel happy eating.

That's a problem.

I would only eat if I know I will be happy eating it.

I absolutely hate eating by myself. Because of that, I would rather skip meals.

You can't tell me to simply 'eat more'. I can't explain how eating is a mental disorder for me.

Fact that my mom is constantly telling me to eat more and nag about how skinny I am doesn't make me feel any better. 

I feel like I have mentioned this before. It really is a problem.

When I was younger, my friend's parents would pity me and my aunt would get angry at me when they give me nice things and buy me nice dinner. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand why she would get angry, I didn't understand what I did wrong.

Tonight I thought about it.

Parents of my friends would feel bad that I don't have a normal family. That I am brought up by my aunt and her family, almost like a Cinderella kind of story. They feel bad for me when they find out that I don't see my mother often. My friends wouldn't know any different whether I had parents or not, they just saw me as who I was.

Maybe me aunt got angry because she feels embarrassed. Maybe inadequate to people's eyes that they have to buy nice things for me. Afraid that she was being judged for being the 'evil mother' who was forced to raise me up.

But I'd like to think that my aunt was just teaching me that I should be an independent woman. I didn't have to take peoples pity to get perks in life. I didn't need people to pity me to have friendships. I didn't need the approval of other people to be "normal".

Yet at the same time, it was pretty good to be getting all the love and attention from friend's family. I remember that I was constantly jealous of my friends' families and was secretly hoping they'll adopt me or something.