I witnessed my first euthanasia today.

I was supposed to be the one holding the cat for its euth, but it was reacting badly to the shaver, my senior stepped in. It wasn't a smooth one, but at least now I know what could have gone wrong and not feel terrible when it does go wrong.

That euthanising liquid is essentially a high concentration of anaesthesia. It is easily accessible, that's why you get so many vets committing suicide.

I don't know if I would do it again. I didn't have the time to process the thought. I just went straight back to work.

I figured today would have been the best time to learn this because everything seemed pretty aligned for me today: me exhausted, me having no emotions whatsoever because of exhaustion, me needing to push on for one more day, vet student seemed interested in learning too (I wasn't learning this by myself, it was relieving), vet seems very nice and patient to teach today, senior was around to teach me. It was now or never, so I jumped at it.

Now I am still too exhausted to think about how it made me feel. I only knew I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything.

It happened quickly.

Quick enough for me to not build any emotions, more of intrigued and part shocked at the same time.

It's for the best.

Fast forward a couple of months:

BauHaus Reserves 1
Seasonal Part Time Animal Attendant

I pretty much worked and played frisbee all summer. Now it's all gone. I don't think I actually had a good memorable summer this time. Which is kind of sad since summer is that one season I look forward to all the time. I used to get season depression where I tend to be a bit reserved as the months grow colder. BUT look at me now, I did not enjoy or have fun this summer at all. :(

I am also growing up as an adult now, and I absolutely hate every single bit about it. Every single thing. I now hate life in general and people even more than I used to.

Work tires me physically, mentally and emotionally. Frisbee is mentally frustrating.

WELL, I am just ranting about how my Summer went by without any good memories. Yes. This sucks. Adulthood sucks.