i stalk cheerleaders whenever i can.
that undying cheer spirit of mine never seems to die ever.
even when i know i am not supposed to cheer anymore
this feeling just sucks to the max.
watching my best friend cheer to her heart,
all i can do is watch and have that second hand spirit by watching them being cheer-happy.

:(

It's mother's day today.

My bizarre brain thought of my mother and my aunt. Bizarre because it made me think of how they are thinking or feeling about my grandma. Though it really is unnecessary, but some it did hit me. Is this what it really feels like? To constantly miss someone when they are no longer around anymore? Having the thought that I am thinking about my grandma, how would both my mom and aunt actually think of their mom, my grandma?

I guess I never would have realised it if I had not read a facebook status of a friend regarding how hurtful mother's day would be to her. It makes me feel like a filial child for not being able to be the daughter the society has set a figure to meet. If the world is celebrating mother's day, I can't. Not because that I am at a different place or that I chose not to, but today, I couldn't figure out, why?

If one loves their mother, should it not be an eternal love, and not something that we celebrate once a year? Why only buy mother pretty things on mother's day, when you can give her your love every other day?

Come to think of it, I never once celebrated mother's day with my mother. The distance and the age of when I was then, it didnt allow me to be with my mother and to celebrate with her. Much more to that, reading people's statuses on how mothers have sacrifice washing clothes, cleaning the house, cooking delicious food, being their personal chauffeurs, it made me wonder, is that what a mother is like?

My mother left me with my aunt, sacrificed her time with me, working around the world (literally), and here I am today, in Melbourne. She gave me a good life where I had not need to suffer when I grew up. She, was like my father.

My aunt, took me under her arms, brought me up, provided me with whatever that was necessary for me to grow up. She, was as described as everyone else, a mother to me.

I have two mothers, one blood mother, one substitute mother. Both loved me, both had brought me up as a person that I am today.

:)

The luckiest person on earth, with two lovely mothers.

When you travel alone, you would try to find a place where you need not sit beside someone you don't know. When you go into lecture halls, you try to find a place to sit, where the seats on your left and right would probably be empty. Unless. You have no choice, and you would want or need to sit, you will eventually sit with that somebody whom you don't know. Even when you need to sit with someone you don't know, you will have a look and see which 'stranger' you would sit next to.

Does it really matter, though?

It seems like some kind of innate response in every single person.

You step into a public bus, you stalk around the bus for an empty space, you survey if there is any place where it allows you to sit alone. None? You hawk around to see who you can sit with. No place to sit at all? Yipee! Gladly stand.

But what happens if you ride a public transport with at least a friend? You will only find a place, just enough for you and your friend. Odd number of friends? It's alright, you still won't mind sitting with a stranger because you know you have your friends with you. You still try not to sit with a stranger, but if you must then, you really wouldn't mind.

Amazing, isn't it?

Is it only me seeing this happen, or am I missing something?

The moment you have company, you immediately tune out the awkward feeling to sit with a stranger. Not like the stranger is all that freaky or anything, but it is somewhat of an innate action in us.

Hrmmmm.

Have been skipping Friday's lectures. Basically after three days of full classes, it feels a little too much to get myself up for a two hour lectures on a Friday. Call me lazy, but it's stats and chemistry. Not my favourite subjects, would rather stay home, get enough rest, then abuse the usage of recorded inline lectures, to catch up with my own pace. It literally feels like a Friday when I am done with 9 hours in uni on Thursdays. :( hehe.

There is something weird about me gaming here in aussie. Not too sure why, but I know I have been shivering whenever I game here at night. Was it too cold or was it cause I was too focused on the game that my brain just stopping my heart from pumping warm blood properly. O.o Quite bizarre, really. Hahahahaha! I shall need to figure out why. :P

Last class in two weeks time.
Exams in three weeks time.
Home in five weeks time.
:)

I miss blogging. :(

Haven't been able to blog as it didnt feel quite right after one whole week of academic writing (or what I call, forceful writing). Was afraid that it would affect my casual writing, thus I gave myself a break from writing. Even now, it still feels a little awkward, writing an entry in my own blog. I tend to get confused with the way I write after changing my writing styles, just to match academic writing. I suck big time at academic writing. I am more on the expressive kind when it comes to writing. :/

Been rather pinned down for the past few days, actually. With exams just around the corner, I am panicking that I may not have enough time to finish studying my syllabus. Panic. Hrmmm. I need to calm myself down.

So, for the amount of time without any expressions, I had several moments of deep thoughts. One would be closely related to 9gag's; 'not a single f*** was given that day'.

Basically, it's just a matter of people not bothering about anything that is happening around them, at all. Am actually starting to adapt myself, surrounding that concept recently. Figured that it was a waste of my time if I care that much. It really isn't a 'good friend' when you practically have no one around you to be your moral pole. If one is too self conscious in wanting not to be the weirdo society sees you, you would most definitely end up depressed. You try your best to fit in, putting up a facade image of yourself, hoping that people would accept you, but only to realise nobody actually gives a damn. What on earth for? Honestly, I may be saying this based on frustrations, but it is as honest it can be.

Reality, is that nobody gives a shit about what you so, UNLESS it is something related to them, and they have to give some thought about it.

But really, to care or not to care?

If you care, you are practically getting yourself into some trouble. If you don't care, you become the ignorant bastard everybody talks about.

I think I'd rather be the ignorant bastard. Simply because those worthless people who are calling you 'ignorant bastard', clearly don't know you enough to be calling you that. Besides. It immediately becomes a sieve that separates real friends from that whole shround of people whom you thought were your friends.

Honestly. I don't know what to feel about going home. I really do want to go home, to see how things would really turn out. Whether if it will turn our alright, or otherwise, I would still be satisfied, as it is pretty much expected beforehand. No doubt I will still enjoy myself with the love of food, everywhere. :D omg. EXCITED!!! Woohoo!!!

Hrmmm. One rather serious blogpost. Bleah. I wonder when can I regain my casual-random-blog-writing-feeling again.

It's the first of May today! Seems like a stigma for people to have a fresh new start at the beginning of something. Stigma. It never really occur to me that it is something significant enough to be excited about. One month seemed like a long time. It really does. By the next week, it will mark my 3rd month here in Melbourne. Haaaaaaaa. Right now, I am freaking out about everything. Literally.

First off, assignments. I just finished one bio essay yesterday, now I have another due Friday. Then Friday, I have another assignment that will be due the 3rd week of this month.

What I can't handle about assignments is that it takes up extra time then you would normally allocate for everything else. For example, I have 20 hours of lecture-tutorial-lab times. With an hours lecture for each lecture, it tends to get overwhelming to be absorbed, thus the necessary to do self studying. What I do, is that I write my own notes on each lecture. Since it is based on my own pace, it can take up to 10 to 15 hours of camping in the library, just to do notes according to the lecture's pace. No exaggeration there. Its just that I take time to ensure that I am sure of what was being taught.

Not to forget the other times that are needed for cooking, for doing the laundry, for cleaning the house, for doing grocery shopping, and most importantly, some leisure time. Leisure time is a must at this stage. Otherwise I would probably succumb into stress. Not the kind of person who knows how to handle stress easily, so it's best to keep stress at bay. :O Ah yes. We have online tests every week too. Mmmeeeehhhhhh.

So, once assignments come in, I tend to lose focus. Unsure to focus on the assignment of to focus on studies. That, is where I get thrown all over the place, being confused and unsure. Best part, I don't even know if I am doing it right or otherwise. Sucks big time.

2nd. Exam.
It's practically one more month from today. By right, I should start revising starting today. But we are given only one week break to prepare for the exam. Honestly, at this rate, it doesn't feel like I have enough time. What hit me was the fact that we only studied for three months, and then comes exam. Never been exposed to such packed studying period, ever. All those years, primary school : 6 years, secondary school : 3 years, 2 years. Then college : 11 months. Now? 3 months! Omg.

Though I am not too sure why am I scaring myself at this point of time. Really not a very good timing to freak out, at. all. :/

Next, winter is coming!!
Scary as hell. While everyone in Malaysia is complaining on how hot it is, I, on the other hand, am suffering with the cold. It may not be that bad, but my body seem to be intolerant of extreme temperatures. If it gets too hot, I'll get a headache, if it gets too cold, I'll get a headache too. Pretty sure it's because of the sudden change with the temperature. When you are outside, you are literally freezing (I shiver quite easily), that urge in wanting to get to a warm place is there and you would want to go and warm up somehow. Problem is, sometimes indoors are so hot, that it just makes me go dizzy. As much as my body wants warmth, my head seems to he disagreeing with it. :/ Also probable is the wind. I wish I know how to explain this, but as far as it goes, I get giddy really easily. :(

Bleahhh.

Happy first of May!
When is mother's day, though?