Self Care and Lifestyle Balance Inventory

In a typical month, how often has the following been true for you? For each question, write the number that best fits your experience.

0 - almost never
1 - seldom
2 - sometimes
3 - often
4 - almost always

1. I have at least one full day off work each week.
2. I take some time for myself to be quiet, think, meditate, write and/or pray.
3. I work no more than 8 hours a day when not on deployment.
4. I exercise for at least 25 minutes, 5 days a week.
5. I do something I find fun.
6. I practice muscle relaxation, yoga, stretching, meditation or slow-breathing.
7. I share how I am feeling with at least one friend or my partner.
8. I get 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night.
9. I am careful to eat a balanced diet.
10. I drink more than 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks (0 most days, 1 several times a week, 2 once a week, 3 once a month, 4 never).
11. On balance I have more positive emotional experiences than negative.
12. At the end of the day I can leave the pressures of work behind.
13. I slow down when I am becoming tired, run-down and vulnerable to illness.
14. There are people who care about me that I trust, to whom I can talk if I want.
15. I do something I find creative or expressive.
16. I feel I have the training and skills I need to do my job well.
17. I stand up for myself, saying "NO" when I need to.
18. At work, I take a brief break every two hours and switch tasks regularly.
19. I spend time with trusted others who are part of a community of meaning and purpose (church/ community volunteers/ work colleagues/ book group).
20. I feel good about my ability to communicate with others.
21. I spend my time and energy doing what is really important to me in life.
22. I believe in my ability to accomplish goals, even when I encounter difficulties.
23. I set realistic goals for my life and work towards them.
24. I take good vacations.
25. I am able to let go of mistakes I have made.
26. I am able to manage conflict constructively.
27. I am able to let go of grudges.
28. I smoke or use other recreational drugs (0 most days, 1 several times a week, 2 once a week, 3 once a month, 4 never).

Scoring

0 - 29
This range suggest that your self care skills and lifestyle balance strategies may be POOR and that you could probably benefit from developing a plan to change your lifestyle and improve your self-care.

30 - 59
This range suggests that your self care sills and lifestyle balance strategies may be AVERAGE and that you could probably benefit from developing a plan to change your lifestyle and improve your self-care, especially if you have more stress than is typical for an adult.

60 - 84
This range suggests that you may have good self-care skills and lifestyle balance strategies in place, but could benefit from preparing for times of high stress by adding some additional practices.

> 85
This range suggests that you may have good self-care skills and lifestyle balance strategies in place for building resilience.

source: Headington Institute
www.headington-institute.org 

It's because I feel like typing instead of writing with a pen today, so here goes!

Today I realise I laugh ahead of a joke. Say for example there is a lead up to a joke, I'd laugh before the joke actually comes. Why? I find that the idea of the joke was already funny so the answer will most definitely be a good one. HAHA

Yes, I still say HAHA like this. :)

So are we ever going to get married? It's been 5 years since we've been together. Been living together since the beginning of 2015, and only two of us since 2017? So that's at least 3 years now right? We've lived with a Harriet for more than 2 years and now we have a Ginny too!

AHH. Brb, need to spend $10 on Kikki K shit. <3

I have come to a point where I want to wrap things as a career. It just feels like I'd be happy to be using my hands to make things even though it's probably going to be repetitive hand motions over hundreds to times. Weird moment today. But fascinating thought into my mind. :)

Dear future me,

Please don't ever forget about how much Harriet means to you.

Present day Harriet is very happy with the new house/environment, loved both of us very dearly.  We have breakfast at 10am every morning with one serving of wet food (a quarter can of Fancy Feast) and a top up of dry food for the day. She will then sleep for the rest of the day, finding the best spot in the house: preferably somewhere sunny and quiet, somewhere near people or sometimes alone. At 5pm is when she needs her first set of funtertainment: running around chasing wand toys. At one point, she enjoyed being tossed onto the bed when it's on the living room floor. At 7pm is when she needs some cuddles and a short nap, preferably on your lap or your stomach. 9pm is when she needs another set of funtertainment before bedtime. Harriet can also jump up to your belly from the floor up! occasionally jumping to your shoulders just after you've showered, not sure why.

Best thing? She'll come to the door to greet you, rubbing her back all over the floor/rolling over.

❤

I witnessed my first euthanasia today.

I was supposed to be the one holding the cat for its euth, but it was reacting badly to the shaver, my senior stepped in. It wasn't a smooth one, but at least now I know what could have gone wrong and not feel terrible when it does go wrong.

That euthanising liquid is essentially a high concentration of anaesthesia. It is easily accessible, that's why you get so many vets committing suicide.

I don't know if I would do it again. I didn't have the time to process the thought. I just went straight back to work.

I figured today would have been the best time to learn this because everything seemed pretty aligned for me today: me exhausted, me having no emotions whatsoever because of exhaustion, me needing to push on for one more day, vet student seemed interested in learning too (I wasn't learning this by myself, it was relieving), vet seems very nice and patient to teach today, senior was around to teach me. It was now or never, so I jumped at it.

Now I am still too exhausted to think about how it made me feel. I only knew I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything.

It happened quickly.

Quick enough for me to not build any emotions, more of intrigued and part shocked at the same time.

It's for the best.

Fast forward a couple of months:

BauHaus Reserves 1
Seasonal Part Time Animal Attendant

I pretty much worked and played frisbee all summer. Now it's all gone. I don't think I actually had a good memorable summer this time. Which is kind of sad since summer is that one season I look forward to all the time. I used to get season depression where I tend to be a bit reserved as the months grow colder. BUT look at me now, I did not enjoy or have fun this summer at all. :(

I am also growing up as an adult now, and I absolutely hate every single bit about it. Every single thing. I now hate life in general and people even more than I used to.

Work tires me physically, mentally and emotionally. Frisbee is mentally frustrating.

WELL, I am just ranting about how my Summer went by without any good memories. Yes. This sucks. Adulthood sucks.

Haven't been working for about three months now, feeling all sorts of feeling at the moment.

I do feel like there is nothing left for me to do as I have already achieved whatever I really want to achieve. Maybe because I don't aim for a lot or that I want to be the best at what I do. I am okay being average. I just need to find something that I truly connect and find my self worth doing.

I do feel like there is more out there about myself to be discovered. So much interest, but which one do I want to make a reality that would help pay to feed my own mouth.

Painting my own nails have been very entertaining. It keeps me occupied for about 4 to 5 hours in a day, which is quite a large chunk of time. I get very satisfied with my effort too! The sparkles and the glitter that would last me a couple of days, a week if I am lucky. The excitement of trying something new after the current one falls off, keeps me excited, keeps me going, keeps me exploring.

That's not a job that would feed my mouth though. I still need to practice a lot too. Hrmm..

What to do, what to do.

Standing at the entrance of Topshop, $30 $20 50% 70% signs all over, I can't help but to feel absolutely poor.

What is this sorcery that is happening before my eyes?

Clothes that are not of any purpose but purely fashion. I then caught myself googling "Fashion thoughts" and found "Fashion as a form of art". That got me thinking even more.

Deep deep thoughts.

Sure I am attracted to this form of art, but I can not justify how this form of art is worth my money. Fashionable clothes that doesn't serve it's purpose for the cold weather or even comfort, just things you put on your body.

brb.

Harriet is currently sitting on my lap and my laptop is sitting on my shin as my legs are outstretched in front of me. I am trying to finish watching 'Going Clear: Scientology and The Prison of Belief' but it keeps buffering from time to time, which makes it annoying as I can't really concentrate on what is actually going on. Bae's brother is configuring his newly bought tv in front of me while Bae just switched from playing Overwatch to Rocket League. I hate using the word Bae, but I guess that's an easier word to tell you that it is him. I am of course hunched back, leaning forward to type this.

I really am just wasting time waiting for that documentary to load. It's a good documentary. For the life of me, I feel like I am always getting the short end of the internet in this house somehow. It doesn't work for my phone and now it's slow on my laptop too. I do not know what is up. I only know I am annoyed.

The zoo is hiring a new set of volunteers for the coming summer. Looking back, I was absolutely thrilled to get this 'highly coveted' position. Well I mean, it was after all a step into a potential industry I would be interested in working. Not now of course. Too much ugly truth that didn't allow any light moments to overcome them. I really shouldn't be saying this, but I am not exactly writing to condemn the zoo or anything. It's just me and my opinions do not matter.

Okay.

I hate life when I have to deal with it. Even if you reach your dreams, life is still a thing.

Wouldn't it be easier if you just end your life right there and then? What's the point going through crap just to fall upon another piece of shit? Why can't I just stay here and be plain and happy?

Let's just be clear that I like spending my time typing or writing. Not so much of actual reading, but more of just having the chance to actually vomit my thoughts out into words. However though, I just need substances to type with. Instead of just mindless babbles that nobody would read. To be honest, it's not even for anyone to read. It's just a way for me to have an excuse to type/write something. I do not expect anyone to be reading what I have to say. I don't even read what I write sometimes. I do remember however, when I was younger, I wanted approval from people to say that it was worth for me to write or type something down. I guess I am just looking for a reason to write.

I used to be good at writing stories. That was great when writing was actually compulsory and I almost never had enough time to finish my stories. I remember going through my pile of high school essays and honestly get blown away by my own stories that I have written. I also remember how I used to plant my essays/stories in a "dream" scenario, just so I could put an end to the story in time for submission. Sadly though, I don't think I can be anywhere as good as I used to be. All those free time spent daydreaming and trying to figure out 'what is more to life' than just plain high school, seeing the same faces day in and day out.

Life was much simpler back then, everything had already been pre-planned ahead of time for me. Wearing the same type of clothes everyday, leaving my textbooks under my desk in school saved me heaps from being unnecessarily punished, extra curricular activities after school, night tuition classes so I don't fall back on studies, food did not have to be made and laundry was not a thing. Time spent daydreaming and dreaming of a different world was the best. I made friends there and it made me happy and kept me company.

I've lost all my dream friends when I left high school. I think I was 18 when I started living in the world, trying to be surrounded by real people and real friends. "Friends". Maybe that's why I never really had lasting friends, they just never seem to match up with my dream friends. Of course, things are just too difficult now. I can't even remember my dream friends anymore. Which is sad, considering I feel lonelier than ever. I am currently struggling to find my presence in this world. I just feel absolutely isolated, it feels as though I am not living. Rather, I am living in an empty shell, completely disconnected with every part of my body.

Okay. I have probably gotten in too deep there.

I really am just letting my mind control what I am writing right now. This is absolutely true and I am not writing anything to sway things one way or another.

I do not feel too great about myself now.

Maybe that's why I try not to write, because I know what my mind is capable of doing. It is almost like a toxic little thing, trying to break my sanity into pieces.

Anybody willing to pay for a psychiatrist session for me?
I think I really need one.

Had a casual meet up with fellow zoo volunteers yesterday and it was rather eye opening. It did bring up a major thought in my head: people are doing things that they don't like to do but they don't have a choice but to do it. Is life really that way? They also bring up the fact that they are trying to find happiness in their own little ways despite how they don't like having their current job/life with that job. There I was sitting in the corner feeling dumbfounded as I do not feel one bit like them at all.

As a matter of fact, I felt completely opposite of what they were trying to share. I felt as though I am happy with whatever I have in my life so far. Even though I may not have everything I want, or I have certain complaints here and there. But in general, this is what I rather have and would be happy doing for a couple of years down the road. No future thoughts about me leaving this field and searching for something else that I would rather do instead. THIS is what I want to do. I got there.. haven't I?

I say that, but of course there are other things that I need to think about that bothers me a lot. If only money wasn't the issue in everybody's life. Would that not make things a tad bit easier? I feel like I am only bothered when people bring up their problems to surface and make me go; "OH? Why do I not share their feelings? Why are they agreeing/complaining about those things? Should I be living my life like them?"

I need to take a step back.

They went: I am happy where I am now, but I don't want to continue doing this for a long time. I want to find something else, something for myself. But this job pays for what I am good at, so I am going to hang around for awhile.

That sounds just about like everybody, doesn't it?

I am very confused.

Is it because I am lucky?
I would not think so because I had to work my way to get to where I am. Sure this job is not secure in a long term. But I can live with what I currently have.

.. right?

Recurring dreams:

Chewing gum stuck in my teeth. Literally needs endless digging to remove them..

Failing at math test or unable to solve a math problem in a class environment.

Oh dear lord.
I have also started to write in a diary again.

I don't think I should ever apologize for being myself.

I may feel bad for the things that I do or say sometimes, but it doesn't mean it's indefinite or I will never learn from that.

I have come a long way from learning about who I really am and what I want to become.

I am getting there. I have taken my first couple of steps into the door. I think I am liking it here.

So if you think I should live my life otherwise, you can shove that up your own ass. Cause I don't have the time to think about your petty negative thoughts about me.

I have a cat who gives me cuddles during the day even when she doesn't really feel comfortable. She would still stay with me even when she knows she won't be getting a proper nap. If that isn't love, I don't know what else is.

Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to me.
Goodbye to the past.

Hello Harriet ❤

Hello bloggie,

Bue-lo-jji. I'd like to call you that. Haha. Poor you, an inanimate object and I am butchering you. Oops.

I'm sitting outside of Cotton On in DFO South Wharf right now. I just had a moment of realization where I have been shopping to make myself feel better. It seems like I couldn't do other stuff to make me feel better and it's just shopping that I can do now. That's not even it. I shouldn't even be spending my money that I am not earning. Sigh. But what else can I do?

I realise I have been going around hunting for cheap things or good bargains and I would feel the need to purchase them. I create a reason to buy them, even though in reality I don't need them.

I couldn't eat good food like how I used to. I couldn't travel out to places I like to relieve myself. I could feel like there is an urge in me that I needed to break out and just do something I really love.

Shopping therapy is only temporary, but almost instant. I got bored of the food around cbd and the thought of spending all the money on eating them by myself just makes me feel depressed. There's nowhere to go on my own now, no time for me to escape from routine and try something new. I can't cook good homemade food either. What more, I can't quite find comfort from Jinwei when I need. I'd come home feeling absolutely drained and during the weekends, he has got his own plans. What am I to do when I am home alone during the weekends?

This is, though just one month worth of work placement. Especially after yesterday I am just drained and I still can't get anything I need that would satisfy me.

So right now, I am sitting outside of Cotton On. They've got a sale going on in there now, all ladies wear $10 and under. I only found one dress for $5 that I can't wear until middle of September. I can't quite explain why I am feeling like this. But I am feeling really bummed.

Now I gotta walk back to the tram stop, take two trams, and walk home. That's gonna a take about an hour to do.

:/

Casual conversation with someone, I start sharing my deepest concern about my life, they respond as if they have a solution to my life problems. Why is it that their interpretation seems so far off from what I am trying to share with them?

Are they even paying attention to what I am saying?

Are they just busy trying giving me solutions based on how they are living their life?

I admit I do that too. So is this how people have conversations? Just blab and not listening?

But I love listening to people and get excited when we happen to share a similarity somewhere. But of course I am not always right about my guesses.

It always feels as if they are judging my every word. Or that I am just wrong or not as well to do than they are.

Why can't I just be happy about who I am and what I am doing?

:(

Nope. It's not always about me, it is always about them.

List of things I would spend money on:
Bubble tea
Food
Good games
Lego minifigure
Concert
Musical
Comfortable clothing that I can see myself wearing for at least 2 years

It is difficult searching for a place that you truly belong to. That's simply because I have been searching for like minded people without realising that there's a vast variation of people like me. Just like individuals, finding someone who is exactly like me is probably 1 in a million. Close to never, perhaps.

My thoughts about the zoo has drastically changed within the first few months being a volunteer there. It is absolutely mind boggling as I initially assumed every other volunteer would have the same idea and thoughts as I would regarding animals in the zoo. But of course, we may share the same passion for animals but the way that we express it would differ a whole lot.

There were a couple of things I didn't understand:
1. How the volunteers were mentioning the animals in the zoo as though they were their own pet or children.
2. Feel absolutely proud of what they do, when all we really do is talk to people, direct people to where they want to go, help find lost children.
3. Why different days functions differently; one day it will all be "go go go" and the other is more "don't bother, just go be you".
4. They aren't there for the animals.

Me?
It got me worked up quite a bit. I thought of quitting. Everything that I was experiencing wasn't really pleasant and I was absolutely confused to what I was meant to be feeling.

I knew that all I wanted to do was to prioritize the animals and doing things that would be more focused towards the animals. I guess this voluntary role conflicts my aim as the things I do were more for the people's satisfaction over the welfare of animals. It was wearing me down over time, then a campaign came up and all that was important was the number of petitions we got.

I finally realized that I don't belong in this role. It bothers me a lot when I have to deal with..
- ignorant bastards who come to the zoo thinking they know everything
- brain pooped parents bringing their children to "an animal themed amusement park" to educate.. drain their kid of energy so that they can rest later
- young adults who make a nuisance, shitting all over the property
- VEGANS
- activists against all kinds of different stuff
At the end of the day, I asked myself why do I need to deal with all these bullshit.

Because I was that kid who loves animals so much I would visit every single zoo and feel inspired to be one of the zoo keepers when I grow up. The zoo was the only place to go, when the rest of the world seemed like they didn't understand my love for animals.

I have met one little girl who I saw had the same passion as I did. I gave her a little sticker for her good job answering my question and I gave her a little advice to never give up.

Her mom of course thought it was a silly dream of hers to be a wildlife conservationist, but I am glad she wasn't being all negative about it either. Which was a sigh a relieve.

I guess I was searching deep to find that my childhood dreams wasn't all a lie. That I didn't want to quit because there has got to be something more than this. There is no way I was going to let life crush my lifelong dream.

So why am I still serving the zoo?
I get to tell people to put out their cigarettes.
I get to tell people to stop throwing their balls around.
I get to party poop by telling them that helium balloons are not allowed.
I get to watch idiots think they know it all, laugh on the inside thinking how much I used to be like them.
I get discounts.
I get to see the animals more often than I normally would.
I made friends with my batch mates, we share our problems and support each other.
I really like owning the outfit, especially the jacket and refuse to return it.
I know what is happening with the animals in the zoo, and it is always a little bit exciting when a baby is due.

I want to make sure that kids like the younger me don't ever give up on their dreams and hope they are more successful than I am.

Good enough? Sure, I can do this once a week. Now I get to choose how I feel about zoo stuff - platonic.

I feel like I have lost control of my own life.

Thank goodness I haven't done anything insane or detrimental to my own wellbeing..
Fuck.

I have problems with eating.  Maybe it's eating disorder. But nobody can help me? I mean. I don't think anybody would understand why I am the way I am.

Here's one example.
Jinwei knows I only eat food that I want to eat. He also knows I don't mind starving. He also understands  how this is making me physically weaker than I should be.

But I mean, I don't think there's anything he can do. Other than just making sure I don't die, right?

I can tell you now that I am just absolutely hungry. But I refuse to eat. I think that there's no food for me to eat. In reality, there's plenty of food downstairs for me to eat. They just aren't food I would feel happy eating.

That's a problem.

I would only eat if I know I will be happy eating it.

I absolutely hate eating by myself. Because of that, I would rather skip meals.

You can't tell me to simply 'eat more'. I can't explain how eating is a mental disorder for me.

Fact that my mom is constantly telling me to eat more and nag about how skinny I am doesn't make me feel any better. 

I feel like I have mentioned this before. It really is a problem.