Same but different.
There are times we would glace through our homepage, looking around, wasting our time, searching for something that would interest you. Then we would spot one status with several likes, it makes you stop, to look at what the status says. Soon after that, you would find yourself joining the rest and click the like button as well. That particular status, would probably be one super ridiculous event where someone had made a fool of themselves that triggered the amusement of fatizens. (lol. I decided to use fatizens cause facebook itself seemed like a community on its own already, thus facebook-citizens; fatizens) Either that, or it was something sentimental, something that would trigger fatizens to feel the same way the status was trying to imply, something that would make fatizens agree with what was mentioned.
That example above, tells us that, we tend to have similar if not same thoughts as everyone else, it makes us feel somewhat a part of the world where we live in, where we feel safe and secure, that we have people like us around. "we are not alone", if that was meant for the aliens whom we have never met, it would probably shock the whole nation, or even the world, for we do not know what 'they' are capable of. But if it is for what we understand as us humans, are not alone because we have other humans around us, people would automatically feel relieved. It is a proof that we want to be amongst the 'species' we know. Just like how certain animals live in packs of their own species, they would feel secure. If ever they do wander alone, away from the pack, bumping into all kinds of other species, they would probably freak out, or if unlucky, get eaten too. I guess that is the main reason that we humans learnt that we need each other, and having similar thoughts and characters would definitely strengthen that.
As much as we like to be similar, we still want to be different from everyone else. It is how we identify ourselves amongst the crowd. Somewhat like how animals are distinguished amongst themselves. Wonder how a zebra is recognised as an individual zebra eventhough it is within its herd of zebras? If one notes properly, they can be differentiated by their stripes on its back. In our case, yes, we are all different on the outside, but we would want to further develop the differences we have in ourselves. Little did we realise that we all have this two total opposite ideas that were contradicting each other at the same time.
By now, I realise by being the same like everyone else, was for our inner self, where we want to feel safe and to be different, we want to explore ourselves, personality wise, to find out what is there that we could do.
Personality is more on the adventurous side of us, the differences we have that we want to show to the world. The side of us that is triggered by curiosity. Of us wanting to learn more than what we already knew. To test our theories, whether they are right or otherwise. Of things that interests us, of things that interests others, of things that works best for us and how it would probably turn out.
Yeap. It turns out I have figured out that fine line between similarities and differences. By right, they are totally different. They still are different. But what holds this two together still has a main point, one that keeps us standing and being us, humans. Humans. Humans. Humans.
Now, I may have sound a slight bit frustrated at the human race. Truth is, I am. Because whenever I mingle with people, I never fail to question. And this same yet different question became and issue. And as honest as I am, sometimes, by writing it out, I actually make my mind as things are being sorted out. Least I know, if I start somewhere, maybe questions could indeed be answered. Just like how it happened on this occasion. =)
Here is one question sorted out, now, what's next? ;)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mummy would tell me, 'your living expenses, you would have to earn on your own'.
So, how?
Mummy has no clue what I am about to do. =/
Initially it was about the place. And now, its about the money issue. Damn. What should I do now?
When I with the fact that everybody wants me to be in Melbourne, I told myself, if monash accepted me, I will have a reason to go Melbourne. And now that I have gotten my offer from monash, money has became the main problem. And when I told them about it, they were like, "you, so want to go tasmania, then go lo".
You have no clue how frustrated this has gotten me. After all those arguments and me accepting it, now they tell me tasmania would be better, simply because of the money issue. It was one of the reasons why I picked tasmania also, but I got brainwashed. All I knew then was to get to Melbourne, and study. Eases everybody's mind, and I'll be okay. Now to find out that they could easily change their mind just like that because of money, does get me furious.
From, 'your reasons are not acceptable', to, 'it's your decision'. At this crucial time, after all those worrying of not getting monash and settling in for la trobe, hearing that just throws me all over the place. If I tell anyone, and with the price in play, people would all tell me to go for the cheaper one. Which was actually my first choice to begin with.
Honestly, I'm supposed to be happy after hearing I finally get approval to go for my choice. But after so much of mind churning days, this is definitely not something to be joyful about. What more that my mom will be back and the money is stuck there at either macau or China, it still will be slightly troublesome to deal with.
I realise this was the reason why I could not even decide on which piece of dress to buy few days back. It was between one green dress and one skin colour dress, one was s, and the other was xs. It was a simple decision, but I couldnt decide. And ended up, I decided not to buy, cause somehow, it was too overwhelming, I felt like I was about to breakdown. It was only a dress that I am breaking, but if that makes me want to break down, it seriously is not a laughing matter, at. all.
I have never had to ability to make my own decision. I always settle in for what the others would deem as the better choice, for I believe, they knew better. I also believed that what happens after that decision is based on myself, whether it will be a good one or a had one, that would be up to me. Blaming was never the thing. But blaming others had always been easier than blaming oneself. I, am however forever blaming myself before hand.
In this matter, it would be me, unable to stand up for my own opinion in the first place, and let the world influence my decision.
I am only afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Why the hell would I ask and listen to others if I was that confident with my own decision to begin with?
11.06pm, 4th Dec 2011.
So, how?
Mummy has no clue what I am about to do. =/
Initially it was about the place. And now, its about the money issue. Damn. What should I do now?
When I with the fact that everybody wants me to be in Melbourne, I told myself, if monash accepted me, I will have a reason to go Melbourne. And now that I have gotten my offer from monash, money has became the main problem. And when I told them about it, they were like, "you, so want to go tasmania, then go lo".
You have no clue how frustrated this has gotten me. After all those arguments and me accepting it, now they tell me tasmania would be better, simply because of the money issue. It was one of the reasons why I picked tasmania also, but I got brainwashed. All I knew then was to get to Melbourne, and study. Eases everybody's mind, and I'll be okay. Now to find out that they could easily change their mind just like that because of money, does get me furious.
From, 'your reasons are not acceptable', to, 'it's your decision'. At this crucial time, after all those worrying of not getting monash and settling in for la trobe, hearing that just throws me all over the place. If I tell anyone, and with the price in play, people would all tell me to go for the cheaper one. Which was actually my first choice to begin with.
Honestly, I'm supposed to be happy after hearing I finally get approval to go for my choice. But after so much of mind churning days, this is definitely not something to be joyful about. What more that my mom will be back and the money is stuck there at either macau or China, it still will be slightly troublesome to deal with.
I realise this was the reason why I could not even decide on which piece of dress to buy few days back. It was between one green dress and one skin colour dress, one was s, and the other was xs. It was a simple decision, but I couldnt decide. And ended up, I decided not to buy, cause somehow, it was too overwhelming, I felt like I was about to breakdown. It was only a dress that I am breaking, but if that makes me want to break down, it seriously is not a laughing matter, at. all.
I have never had to ability to make my own decision. I always settle in for what the others would deem as the better choice, for I believe, they knew better. I also believed that what happens after that decision is based on myself, whether it will be a good one or a had one, that would be up to me. Blaming was never the thing. But blaming others had always been easier than blaming oneself. I, am however forever blaming myself before hand.
In this matter, it would be me, unable to stand up for my own opinion in the first place, and let the world influence my decision.
I am only afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Why the hell would I ask and listen to others if I was that confident with my own decision to begin with?
11.06pm, 4th Dec 2011.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
just as i was posting about my uni blues.
i got a call saying i got accepted for monash.
and all of a sudden i feel much better.
HAHAHA! okay. i'm keeping up with my sister's idea.
monash as of now, if i still have that thought of goitn tasmania, then i'll go tasmania. =)
and my blog has indeed help me again, somehow.
=')
i got a call saying i got accepted for monash.
and all of a sudden i feel much better.
HAHAHA! okay. i'm keeping up with my sister's idea.
monash as of now, if i still have that thought of goitn tasmania, then i'll go tasmania. =)
and my blog has indeed help me again, somehow.
=')
i am still being held back by 2011. something is stopping me from moving forward. yes, it is the new year, it is a whole lot of new experiences. but a part of me feels that a small part of last year has yet to be resolved. it literally is killing me, but i am hoping by posting something here, would help me, at least a little, to pull me through. probably i am only as far of waiting to hear something i would want to hear and i will be in peace. but as of now, i am far from feeling blissful. not even to enjoy the perks of being my sister's main bridesmaid this coming sunday.
as a matter of fact, i'm feeling rather anxious and a little upset that i would be the one doing a considerably large amount of things. on normal days, i would be extremely happy to have a list of things to do. but not now, and i feel even worse about it. i told myself i would be really honest with whatever i want to post in the newest blog of mine, and i sincerely would want to keep this as a memory, one where i could look back at laugh at.
i realised blogging had helped me alot. it is not a matter whether i have readers or not, but i feel superbly blessed when i have readers; people are actually reading what i have to say. first of all, blogging had helped me clear several questions i had been questioning myself for a quite some time, some questions were never answered, but as i post about it, i soon realise i actually have the answers to those questions, and then i would lay that question to rest, feeling much more better than when i first started scribbling about the matter in my blog.
my blog is very dear to me, some posts have gotten to personal that i could not even post them online, it did help me a little with the relieves, but it was only a partial one, surprisingly, it isnt as effectiv as publishing it only, with a glimmer of hope that i am being heard. i had way too many drafts in my previous blog. deeming it as unworthy for the public views. i guess then, i was trying to get attention of at least a few loyal readers before getting all loose, and expressing everything. it is rather complicating, the way i think. it doesnt make sense most of the time, even i don't understand what i want. leaving it simple, posting and not posting, whether people are reading or not, the hope still is there. only my actions differ according to my emotions then.
which leads me to my decision to choosing the university to study in. no question asks, i already had my aim in wanting to study in australia when i was 16. it seemed impossible then, but i kept my hopes and dreams up. a little something where i have that tiny pinch of hope to keep me going on to the next day. aimed for an australian matriculation right after i was done with high school. a question came up, a decision between SAM which is in Taylors and AUSMAT which is in Sunway. It took me sometime to make my final decision. for one, i was going to Sunway alone. wasn't expecting anyone from highschool to be taking the same course with me, or even coming to Sunway to study when on the other hand, i was confirmed with buddies there in Taylors. Sunway offered the course to be much cheaper compared to Taylors. that itself was a factor to why i chose AusMat. apart from a whole check list i have made for my own reference, to convince myself that i had made the right decision. then came January, Natasha and Rachel came along. March came with a few other high school friends. but by then, i was already psyched up that i will be on my own.
AusMat was the right decision that was made. thank goodness for that. and now, i have uni to decide. i made myself a open decision, applying for 4 universities, with a wide range of atar requirement. a safe decision to do so. just in case i had a low atar, at least i was still accepted somewhere, my dreams of studying in australia would be fulfilled still. and now after attaining my atar, i was short or a .5 from being accepted to the best uni out of the 4 i had applied for. the other three had already responded, it was only MONASH that i was short of. this was the one matter that was to push me to either Melbourne or Tasmania. initially i was drawn by the fact that Tasmania was more of an isolated area, which leaves me with little entertainment and enjoyment. good thing for a person like me who is constantly distracted easily. and i was convinced that i would be alright there. the factor that it is further away, assures me that friends would only think twice before coming over to pay me a visit, another additional point to the distraction factor.
it requires some mental preparation to be going abroad alone. with no one to depend on, the preparation was indeed necessary. thus raises the concerns of those who cared for me. if i had the option to choose between melbourne and tasmania, they would prefer me to go study in melbourne. a simple reason is that my sister is there based in Melbourne. which would ease everything else for me. when in need, as in when in serious need, at least i have my sister to depend on. and i already have a friend who will be studying in there in melbourne. it leaves the loved ones of mine, a sense of a slight relieved that i will be taken care of. and that means alot to me. why would i want to make these people worry for me when i could prevent that altogether?
studying in Tasmania would be cheaper too. and UTAS is more known for it's environmental . it's an isolated island similar courses and, which provides better chances for us to do more research, no? well, i can only guess for now, not much of the information given would compare to our own experience in that particular course in that particular institute. this, i have learned from ausmat.
all in all, i still can't decide.
my sister came up with this idea, where i could study for my first year in Melbourne and move to Tasmania if i really want to when the first sem ends. provided that i have to do very well for my first year in order to transfer my credits over. otherwise i have to stay put wherever i am until i'm done for the three years.
what i fear is the fact that i may not be able to cope well with my studies. then all those money spent would be wasted. =/
ask the majority, people would say Melbourne over Tasmania.
if only i could push this matter aside for awhile, where i can be fully focused on my sister's wedding and help her make her best day ever, a memorable one. i wish i could. but the sem begins on the end of february, and i have to be in australia by mid february. my visa and everything has yet to be done yet. not even started. which is a worry issue for me. everything is going haywire. i can't keep my head straight on what i am supposed to do. well. this really does suck.
definitely something i would laugh about in a few months time. =)
as a matter of fact, i'm feeling rather anxious and a little upset that i would be the one doing a considerably large amount of things. on normal days, i would be extremely happy to have a list of things to do. but not now, and i feel even worse about it. i told myself i would be really honest with whatever i want to post in the newest blog of mine, and i sincerely would want to keep this as a memory, one where i could look back at laugh at.
i realised blogging had helped me alot. it is not a matter whether i have readers or not, but i feel superbly blessed when i have readers; people are actually reading what i have to say. first of all, blogging had helped me clear several questions i had been questioning myself for a quite some time, some questions were never answered, but as i post about it, i soon realise i actually have the answers to those questions, and then i would lay that question to rest, feeling much more better than when i first started scribbling about the matter in my blog.
my blog is very dear to me, some posts have gotten to personal that i could not even post them online, it did help me a little with the relieves, but it was only a partial one, surprisingly, it isnt as effectiv as publishing it only, with a glimmer of hope that i am being heard. i had way too many drafts in my previous blog. deeming it as unworthy for the public views. i guess then, i was trying to get attention of at least a few loyal readers before getting all loose, and expressing everything. it is rather complicating, the way i think. it doesnt make sense most of the time, even i don't understand what i want. leaving it simple, posting and not posting, whether people are reading or not, the hope still is there. only my actions differ according to my emotions then.
which leads me to my decision to choosing the university to study in. no question asks, i already had my aim in wanting to study in australia when i was 16. it seemed impossible then, but i kept my hopes and dreams up. a little something where i have that tiny pinch of hope to keep me going on to the next day. aimed for an australian matriculation right after i was done with high school. a question came up, a decision between SAM which is in Taylors and AUSMAT which is in Sunway. It took me sometime to make my final decision. for one, i was going to Sunway alone. wasn't expecting anyone from highschool to be taking the same course with me, or even coming to Sunway to study when on the other hand, i was confirmed with buddies there in Taylors. Sunway offered the course to be much cheaper compared to Taylors. that itself was a factor to why i chose AusMat. apart from a whole check list i have made for my own reference, to convince myself that i had made the right decision. then came January, Natasha and Rachel came along. March came with a few other high school friends. but by then, i was already psyched up that i will be on my own.
AusMat was the right decision that was made. thank goodness for that. and now, i have uni to decide. i made myself a open decision, applying for 4 universities, with a wide range of atar requirement. a safe decision to do so. just in case i had a low atar, at least i was still accepted somewhere, my dreams of studying in australia would be fulfilled still. and now after attaining my atar, i was short or a .5 from being accepted to the best uni out of the 4 i had applied for. the other three had already responded, it was only MONASH that i was short of. this was the one matter that was to push me to either Melbourne or Tasmania. initially i was drawn by the fact that Tasmania was more of an isolated area, which leaves me with little entertainment and enjoyment. good thing for a person like me who is constantly distracted easily. and i was convinced that i would be alright there. the factor that it is further away, assures me that friends would only think twice before coming over to pay me a visit, another additional point to the distraction factor.
it requires some mental preparation to be going abroad alone. with no one to depend on, the preparation was indeed necessary. thus raises the concerns of those who cared for me. if i had the option to choose between melbourne and tasmania, they would prefer me to go study in melbourne. a simple reason is that my sister is there based in Melbourne. which would ease everything else for me. when in need, as in when in serious need, at least i have my sister to depend on. and i already have a friend who will be studying in there in melbourne. it leaves the loved ones of mine, a sense of a slight relieved that i will be taken care of. and that means alot to me. why would i want to make these people worry for me when i could prevent that altogether?
studying in Tasmania would be cheaper too. and UTAS is more known for it's environmental . it's an isolated island similar courses and, which provides better chances for us to do more research, no? well, i can only guess for now, not much of the information given would compare to our own experience in that particular course in that particular institute. this, i have learned from ausmat.
all in all, i still can't decide.
my sister came up with this idea, where i could study for my first year in Melbourne and move to Tasmania if i really want to when the first sem ends. provided that i have to do very well for my first year in order to transfer my credits over. otherwise i have to stay put wherever i am until i'm done for the three years.
what i fear is the fact that i may not be able to cope well with my studies. then all those money spent would be wasted. =/
ask the majority, people would say Melbourne over Tasmania.
if only i could push this matter aside for awhile, where i can be fully focused on my sister's wedding and help her make her best day ever, a memorable one. i wish i could. but the sem begins on the end of february, and i have to be in australia by mid february. my visa and everything has yet to be done yet. not even started. which is a worry issue for me. everything is going haywire. i can't keep my head straight on what i am supposed to do. well. this really does suck.
definitely something i would laugh about in a few months time. =)
Monday, January 2, 2012
ha! lookie! i changed it into something more colourful, yet still with a slight touch of sophistication! well. maybe sophistication isn't the exact word, but what i meant to say is that there is some sense of mystery within this blog. yeah. i like to make things even more complicated when things arent complicated at all. i find it much more interesting when you put a extra effort into normal things and voila! something abnormal. heh.
this is so random!
but i guess this would have to do as my opening post for my brand new blog, with colours.
let's begin with a few whys to the whats on this new blog of mine. first up! the blog theme. well, looking at how people would get millions of hits just by posting up random posts, with some substance, i decided i too want some attention on my blog. not because i am being vain, but i would really like it when people do read my blog and give some feedbacks on how to improve myself. and i figured i find it difficult to change my writing style as for all this while, i've been writing based on my feelings. whatever i feel like writing, they would be poured out here, just like that, with ease, no pressure at all. this type of writing does make me get this weird relieved feeling. it does make me feel much better. and i realise at some point, whether i have readers or not, it is still about the feeling that matters most. writing is one way i express myself.
i am still selfish. and i am starving of feedbacks! =O yeah. i would really like to improve my writing styles. =) and so, the first step, would be the colour. i'd chose blue as the main theme as it is said to be calming. unlike my previous blog, it was entirely black. it was on purpose, for i was in the state where, "if you want to read, you read, i'm making it hard for you to read, hoping i will only get loyal readers who would genuinely read because they want to read". that sentence does not make sense at all. hehe. i do apologise. been stoning on bed for the whole day today. such a good way to start of the new year; with a meaningless blogpost.
a new start, a new journey.
question?
i have a silly habit where i would like to separate each year with a different blog, as i believe it would be much better for me to backtrack on how much i have changed or developed. trust me, between two blogs(one year difference), there can be some very drastic changes, and i never fail to stop to ponder upon those moments i used to have. just like my previous blogs, i will continue with my essence of backtracking memories, because this is one reason for me to be where i am today. the past had taught me alot, and i believe it would be an aid for me to learn more in the future. =) crazy as i may be, i decided that i would just have my very own phrase;' if i'm not crazy, i am just not normal'. and my friends would all agree with that phrase. heh! #win
and because i have such a spectacular year last year, i had realise life after high school is somewhat unpredictable. it took me about 6 months to calm myself down to continue blogging. and even that was due to my friends who inspired my start writing again. they were talking about how they like writing, how others would write and what their opinions on people's writing was. i used to have thoughts of writing a book on my own, little had i known, there were people who have that thought of mine as their dreams. and no, they were not joking when they were mentioning how they will publish a book someday in the future where i could have a chance to have a copy of their work too. such inspiring people. what not? i went and started writing to see how far i could go. besides, my english was having some difficulties as my writing has somewhat rusted. and blogging has gotten by brains to function much more smoothly when there came time where i need to write.
and now, i am one month and two weeks away from realising my hopes of studying in australia. and one way that i would be able to keep track of every memory of this memorable ride, is by blogging. honestly saying, for the first six months of last year, it felt like a black hole. and i do not wish for the same thing to happen, especially this time around, when i will be moving over to a whole new different environment, all on my own. and my dear blog will be my one friend who will accompany me through the rides of my life from now on. alongside that, i get to post my journey here and share with everyone back home who feels like knowing what i am up to. it would be as honest as possible, for i believe it would be the closest,coming in second behind facetime communication. =/
personally, i would like to preserve the blog before this as the 'college memories'. yes, i may not have NAMES in that blog of mine, those words would be enough to trigger certain memories, for sure. along with that, a whole lot of other random posts when i just felt like posting something. who knows i would have a whole different opinion from what i had posted before this. haha!
as of now, it's the new year, goodness knows what will be ahead of me, but i'll keep my head up, going through everything with a brave heart and spirit, smiling through everything that is thrown at me. while the countdown continues, i have a series of tasks to do until then.
-sister's wedding
-visa application etc
-last meetups with friends
fingers crossed things will be alright.
=)
happy new year!
this is so random!
but i guess this would have to do as my opening post for my brand new blog, with colours.
let's begin with a few whys to the whats on this new blog of mine. first up! the blog theme. well, looking at how people would get millions of hits just by posting up random posts, with some substance, i decided i too want some attention on my blog. not because i am being vain, but i would really like it when people do read my blog and give some feedbacks on how to improve myself. and i figured i find it difficult to change my writing style as for all this while, i've been writing based on my feelings. whatever i feel like writing, they would be poured out here, just like that, with ease, no pressure at all. this type of writing does make me get this weird relieved feeling. it does make me feel much better. and i realise at some point, whether i have readers or not, it is still about the feeling that matters most. writing is one way i express myself.
i am still selfish. and i am starving of feedbacks! =O yeah. i would really like to improve my writing styles. =) and so, the first step, would be the colour. i'd chose blue as the main theme as it is said to be calming. unlike my previous blog, it was entirely black. it was on purpose, for i was in the state where, "if you want to read, you read, i'm making it hard for you to read, hoping i will only get loyal readers who would genuinely read because they want to read". that sentence does not make sense at all. hehe. i do apologise. been stoning on bed for the whole day today. such a good way to start of the new year; with a meaningless blogpost.
a new start, a new journey.
question?
i have a silly habit where i would like to separate each year with a different blog, as i believe it would be much better for me to backtrack on how much i have changed or developed. trust me, between two blogs(one year difference), there can be some very drastic changes, and i never fail to stop to ponder upon those moments i used to have. just like my previous blogs, i will continue with my essence of backtracking memories, because this is one reason for me to be where i am today. the past had taught me alot, and i believe it would be an aid for me to learn more in the future. =) crazy as i may be, i decided that i would just have my very own phrase;' if i'm not crazy, i am just not normal'. and my friends would all agree with that phrase. heh! #win
and because i have such a spectacular year last year, i had realise life after high school is somewhat unpredictable. it took me about 6 months to calm myself down to continue blogging. and even that was due to my friends who inspired my start writing again. they were talking about how they like writing, how others would write and what their opinions on people's writing was. i used to have thoughts of writing a book on my own, little had i known, there were people who have that thought of mine as their dreams. and no, they were not joking when they were mentioning how they will publish a book someday in the future where i could have a chance to have a copy of their work too. such inspiring people. what not? i went and started writing to see how far i could go. besides, my english was having some difficulties as my writing has somewhat rusted. and blogging has gotten by brains to function much more smoothly when there came time where i need to write.
and now, i am one month and two weeks away from realising my hopes of studying in australia. and one way that i would be able to keep track of every memory of this memorable ride, is by blogging. honestly saying, for the first six months of last year, it felt like a black hole. and i do not wish for the same thing to happen, especially this time around, when i will be moving over to a whole new different environment, all on my own. and my dear blog will be my one friend who will accompany me through the rides of my life from now on. alongside that, i get to post my journey here and share with everyone back home who feels like knowing what i am up to. it would be as honest as possible, for i believe it would be the closest,coming in second behind facetime communication. =/
personally, i would like to preserve the blog before this as the 'college memories'. yes, i may not have NAMES in that blog of mine, those words would be enough to trigger certain memories, for sure. along with that, a whole lot of other random posts when i just felt like posting something. who knows i would have a whole different opinion from what i had posted before this. haha!
as of now, it's the new year, goodness knows what will be ahead of me, but i'll keep my head up, going through everything with a brave heart and spirit, smiling through everything that is thrown at me. while the countdown continues, i have a series of tasks to do until then.
-sister's wedding
-visa application etc
-last meetups with friends
fingers crossed things will be alright.
=)
happy new year!
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