I ask you for your trust, in the things that I do, in the decisions that I make..
BUT the problem is, I don't even trust myself. WHAT ABOUT THAT?! *zombie moan*
Sunday, June 23, 2013
We pick people to hate. Even when it's an innocent person walking by you minding their own business, we can't help but to have a thought or two for ourselves. Often, those thoughts would be negative. Like today, I walking across the road towards my house, and looked at the car, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, with a girl on the driver's seat, and a guy on the passengers seat. It's just another ordinary scene, but my mind went into an instant criticism mode; she must be some rich girl being spoilt by her parents with such luxury. Also a kid giving the cashier a high 5 whilst it is a peak hour at McDonald's, only made me feel like they were both inconsiderate as the line behind that girl was already stagnant with about 5 customers. Even stole a glance at one of the customers rolling their eyes for abit. I saw that bro, I totes saw that.
But what would you have felt if you were to be on the other side; their shoes?
Either you don't give a crap about what others would think, or go paranoid that you'll always be judged regardless.
There isn't a person that I hate so much, that I would curse their existence to be reversed other than myself. Time travel, to stop that existence process perhaps. If only it was possible for people to see what could have possibly happen in the future, that the current decision could be altered in certain ways to prevent chaos? What is the point of that anyways. Don't know. It's more like an instant imaginary thought that bombarded my noggins for abit. But really, I do hate myself.
You decided to click to have a view of what might be going through my mind, so I shall blab with all honesty. *smiley face* There are times where I personally feel like I should apologise to everyone who knows me. Maybe somewhere along the lines of; 'I am sorry for being the way I am, for causing you trouble, for giving unnecessary hassle, for being a pain from time to time. I would have been a completely different individual, probably a better person than what I am today. Maybe I could have been a nicer person, less sensitive, stronger as an individual, as a person. Maybe..' But I already have existed, and it is a struggle finding myself an identity. Sometimes, I secretly believed that I lived my life with several personalities. Sometimes I think that I am living in my own world that I couldn't connect with anyone else around me.
Though the problem is, I am living and I have to incorporate myself with everything else that is happening around me. How much of myself am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? It seems easy for others to just live happily, not giving too much thoughts about anything else. Possible, that I gave myself too much scrutiny where I picture myself to be the perfect person in order to have a place on the surface of this earth. There isn't a rule on how you live life, but there is a stigma.
There was this man, who I believe is special, who has a slightly slower mentality and a different mind of the everyday people that we see. We people would call them down syndrome or any other names that could possibly hit our brains at that particular time. We get scared of these people. Why? This man, he seems like everyone else, he sits on this seat that was available in the train. This girl in front of me, all goth-up with a combination of purple, blue and green in her hair with her face full of hooks and pins, dressed in full black.. She was afraid of this man. Was it because we know it is going to be slightly difficult communicating with them, or is it because we are trying very hard to accept them as normal people when the reality of them being slightly abnormal, overwhelms?
How do you human? How do you normal?
Bleargh. It is as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore, future seems like it's nothing. 20 years alive and every minuscule achievement doesn't seem like it's giving me any boost for wherever I am headed after I am done with my third year.
It's still a plan, though it seems really unconvincing. Fingers crossed.
But what would you have felt if you were to be on the other side; their shoes?
Either you don't give a crap about what others would think, or go paranoid that you'll always be judged regardless.
There isn't a person that I hate so much, that I would curse their existence to be reversed other than myself. Time travel, to stop that existence process perhaps. If only it was possible for people to see what could have possibly happen in the future, that the current decision could be altered in certain ways to prevent chaos? What is the point of that anyways. Don't know. It's more like an instant imaginary thought that bombarded my noggins for abit. But really, I do hate myself.
You decided to click to have a view of what might be going through my mind, so I shall blab with all honesty. *smiley face* There are times where I personally feel like I should apologise to everyone who knows me. Maybe somewhere along the lines of; 'I am sorry for being the way I am, for causing you trouble, for giving unnecessary hassle, for being a pain from time to time. I would have been a completely different individual, probably a better person than what I am today. Maybe I could have been a nicer person, less sensitive, stronger as an individual, as a person. Maybe..' But I already have existed, and it is a struggle finding myself an identity. Sometimes, I secretly believed that I lived my life with several personalities. Sometimes I think that I am living in my own world that I couldn't connect with anyone else around me.
Though the problem is, I am living and I have to incorporate myself with everything else that is happening around me. How much of myself am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? It seems easy for others to just live happily, not giving too much thoughts about anything else. Possible, that I gave myself too much scrutiny where I picture myself to be the perfect person in order to have a place on the surface of this earth. There isn't a rule on how you live life, but there is a stigma.
There was this man, who I believe is special, who has a slightly slower mentality and a different mind of the everyday people that we see. We people would call them down syndrome or any other names that could possibly hit our brains at that particular time. We get scared of these people. Why? This man, he seems like everyone else, he sits on this seat that was available in the train. This girl in front of me, all goth-up with a combination of purple, blue and green in her hair with her face full of hooks and pins, dressed in full black.. She was afraid of this man. Was it because we know it is going to be slightly difficult communicating with them, or is it because we are trying very hard to accept them as normal people when the reality of them being slightly abnormal, overwhelms?
How do you human? How do you normal?
Bleargh. It is as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore, future seems like it's nothing. 20 years alive and every minuscule achievement doesn't seem like it's giving me any boost for wherever I am headed after I am done with my third year.
It's still a plan, though it seems really unconvincing. Fingers crossed.
Friday, May 24, 2013
I forgotten what it feels like to be myself. Technically, 628-43091548yft;madsgvna'ropvjkdsa /leiur[-032ui5trmg/vk a'lvkajhr85t02981095-39jf09wjc-[09aikf['asmv[irhyg[asof would probably summarise what is going through my head at this point of time. Then again, it's plain gibber. It doesn't make any sense, it doesn't mean anything. But in fact, it means so much that it just wraps itself with a bunch of other stuff that makes it completely meaningless. Just like what I feel right at this very moment.
Not to forget me shoving my limbs into random places and causing unnecessary pain to myself. Pretty sure it's not because of the absolute coldness that my body is feeling that brings slight numbness to the edges of my limbs, but it is also the absent mindedness that my mind is floating in. As much as I try to convince myself to snap back into reality, it just feels like there is a distant gap between where I am at and where reality is at. Somewhat like looking at a screen in front of me where everything is moving forward, almost in a very fast pace, while I am still sitting here, looking at how bizarre and frightening the things that I am looking at.
Then of course, this is all in my own mind, I should be able to easily shove it all away if I could just stop and focus on something more important and something that would be worth my time having a focus on. But why can't I just get my body back up, and walk into reality, instead of just living life bluntly?
There isn't anything wrong my life at the moment. It is somewhat of a perfect life that I almost always hoped it would have turned out just before I came over here. I have a life now. I have lovely housemates who will always be there to cheer me up and keep me company, I have ultimate frisbee to have my social life going, I have a commitment where I have something to make me step out of my comfort zone to learn more about the real world and to gain personal experiences. Everything is perfect as of now.
Hrmmm...
Not to forget me shoving my limbs into random places and causing unnecessary pain to myself. Pretty sure it's not because of the absolute coldness that my body is feeling that brings slight numbness to the edges of my limbs, but it is also the absent mindedness that my mind is floating in. As much as I try to convince myself to snap back into reality, it just feels like there is a distant gap between where I am at and where reality is at. Somewhat like looking at a screen in front of me where everything is moving forward, almost in a very fast pace, while I am still sitting here, looking at how bizarre and frightening the things that I am looking at.
Then of course, this is all in my own mind, I should be able to easily shove it all away if I could just stop and focus on something more important and something that would be worth my time having a focus on. But why can't I just get my body back up, and walk into reality, instead of just living life bluntly?
There isn't anything wrong my life at the moment. It is somewhat of a perfect life that I almost always hoped it would have turned out just before I came over here. I have a life now. I have lovely housemates who will always be there to cheer me up and keep me company, I have ultimate frisbee to have my social life going, I have a commitment where I have something to make me step out of my comfort zone to learn more about the real world and to gain personal experiences. Everything is perfect as of now.
Hrmmm...
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Hello me darling blog!
Hasn't it been ages since I last posted something? I missed those days where I would actually have time to sit and stone, pondering about how I would create random mess in my head, and spill them out in words here. Those days may have been the loneliest days I have ever had. Those days where I only had a blog to share my innermost feelings with. Those days where all I wanted to do, was to try to be a part of the society and be accepted for who I am. But does it really mean that I have finally found life just as I always wished I could?
There isn't a doubt that I still question the miserable qualms of life. There are times where I just feel like flinging my shoes across the lecture hall, aiming towards the lectures head. Simply because I was feeling frustrated at the lecturer for having an immensely boring monotonous tone and the absence of interest in presenting his or her knowledge. Maybe it was cause I was struggling trying to fathom each and every tiny bit of knowledge that would be worth all the effort and money spent having my foot on this foreign land. Realisation hits me almost every single waking moment that I have, remembering what happened each and everyday of the previous year, seeing how much of a comparison to what I have in this present day. Determination might have driven me a little too far, causing myself to cave in to my own greed. Thankfully the gastric hadn't been giving me terrible times.
The decision in taking two majors within a single degree, was to help the future me have a broader option. The past me thought it was the wisest decision that could have occurred at that particular moment of time. The past me was happily taking the decision, making the future me have a little extra hope in the real world someday. But the current me, has fallen into pits of darkness where all that is present, is pure darkness; reaching out into nothingness.
Probably it was the wrong decision made by the past me. Probably it was the best decision made by the past me. Only the present me could determine what the future me, is going to get.
Though honestly, I love the side where I get to be a nerd and learn all the ridiculous biological terms that means nothing at the start, but makes complete sense after long duration of crucial scrutiny. NERD. Unfortunately, I could not argue if one would say that I am not nerdy enough to be considered a proper nerd. But I do like that fact that I am being as nerdy as I can. Studies have gotten so much more interesting. BUT all I need is time...
Obviously time never waits. Nor does it ever give you a second glance before moving on. Only moment when time moves extremely slowly is during... probably never. Everything is just moving with a speed of light. One moment I fall asleep, and the next I am awake, rushing to go for my first lecture which starts at 8am.. RIDIC. There are days where I have to prolong my uni hours because of meetings. Truthfully, these meetings are even more RIDIC than my 8am lectures.
On the side note, I made myself a little list of 'things I should refrain from for the whole of 2013';
1. fast food (includes fries)
2. bubbletea
3. shopping
4. skipping lectures
Good progress thus far. Though I did spend money on a new phone earlier this year, and recently dyed my hair to some funky stuff. So I guess that would be considered as shopping? And I have been drinking alot of milktea, only minus the jelly and pearls from those bubbletea stores. Other than that, I have been surviving from fast food and I have not skipped any lectures despite them being horribly early. I deserve a sticker. or two. three maybe? for the effort?
OH HOW I MISS TYPING RANDOM SHIT. <3
I remember the earlier days where I had been extremely excited of what I could possibly do this year. Dear past me, WHY?! YOU LITERALLY GAVE ME HELL. But on the bright side, I definitely learned a bucketful of experience through all those hell that you put me through. Thank you. No sarcasm. But seriously, it would have been better; dang it.
As for ultimate frisbee. Southern Uni Games, maybe? It does feel like a giant leap for me. Especially when all I ever intended was to play casually, to release some tension. I then realised that all of my friends are actually people who plays ultimate frisbee. Tell me how sad and depressing my life is. TELL ME. It's a life. These people are friendly and they are all willing to teach me and correct me when I am wrong. Not to forget the random stuff that I get to talk too. Haa.
I actually don't have any friends from my own course. Other than the occasionally appearing people from the same lab, the hi then walk away kind of friends. But I have lovely housemates. :)
Yes. This post is absolutely random, and grammatically wrong. It's 3am.
Btw, my queen sized bed is awesome.
Hasn't it been ages since I last posted something? I missed those days where I would actually have time to sit and stone, pondering about how I would create random mess in my head, and spill them out in words here. Those days may have been the loneliest days I have ever had. Those days where I only had a blog to share my innermost feelings with. Those days where all I wanted to do, was to try to be a part of the society and be accepted for who I am. But does it really mean that I have finally found life just as I always wished I could?
There isn't a doubt that I still question the miserable qualms of life. There are times where I just feel like flinging my shoes across the lecture hall, aiming towards the lectures head. Simply because I was feeling frustrated at the lecturer for having an immensely boring monotonous tone and the absence of interest in presenting his or her knowledge. Maybe it was cause I was struggling trying to fathom each and every tiny bit of knowledge that would be worth all the effort and money spent having my foot on this foreign land. Realisation hits me almost every single waking moment that I have, remembering what happened each and everyday of the previous year, seeing how much of a comparison to what I have in this present day. Determination might have driven me a little too far, causing myself to cave in to my own greed. Thankfully the gastric hadn't been giving me terrible times.
The decision in taking two majors within a single degree, was to help the future me have a broader option. The past me thought it was the wisest decision that could have occurred at that particular moment of time. The past me was happily taking the decision, making the future me have a little extra hope in the real world someday. But the current me, has fallen into pits of darkness where all that is present, is pure darkness; reaching out into nothingness.
Probably it was the wrong decision made by the past me. Probably it was the best decision made by the past me. Only the present me could determine what the future me, is going to get.
Though honestly, I love the side where I get to be a nerd and learn all the ridiculous biological terms that means nothing at the start, but makes complete sense after long duration of crucial scrutiny. NERD. Unfortunately, I could not argue if one would say that I am not nerdy enough to be considered a proper nerd. But I do like that fact that I am being as nerdy as I can. Studies have gotten so much more interesting. BUT all I need is time...
Obviously time never waits. Nor does it ever give you a second glance before moving on. Only moment when time moves extremely slowly is during... probably never. Everything is just moving with a speed of light. One moment I fall asleep, and the next I am awake, rushing to go for my first lecture which starts at 8am.. RIDIC. There are days where I have to prolong my uni hours because of meetings. Truthfully, these meetings are even more RIDIC than my 8am lectures.
On the side note, I made myself a little list of 'things I should refrain from for the whole of 2013';
1. fast food (includes fries)
2. bubbletea
3. shopping
4. skipping lectures
Good progress thus far. Though I did spend money on a new phone earlier this year, and recently dyed my hair to some funky stuff. So I guess that would be considered as shopping? And I have been drinking alot of milktea, only minus the jelly and pearls from those bubbletea stores. Other than that, I have been surviving from fast food and I have not skipped any lectures despite them being horribly early. I deserve a sticker. or two. three maybe? for the effort?
OH HOW I MISS TYPING RANDOM SHIT. <3
I remember the earlier days where I had been extremely excited of what I could possibly do this year. Dear past me, WHY?! YOU LITERALLY GAVE ME HELL. But on the bright side, I definitely learned a bucketful of experience through all those hell that you put me through. Thank you. No sarcasm. But seriously, it would have been better; dang it.
As for ultimate frisbee. Southern Uni Games, maybe? It does feel like a giant leap for me. Especially when all I ever intended was to play casually, to release some tension. I then realised that all of my friends are actually people who plays ultimate frisbee. Tell me how sad and depressing my life is. TELL ME. It's a life. These people are friendly and they are all willing to teach me and correct me when I am wrong. Not to forget the random stuff that I get to talk too. Haa.
I actually don't have any friends from my own course. Other than the occasionally appearing people from the same lab, the hi then walk away kind of friends. But I have lovely housemates. :)
Yes. This post is absolutely random, and grammatically wrong. It's 3am.
Btw, my queen sized bed is awesome.
Friday, March 22, 2013
I sit and I stare at the wall in front of me, unsure of what was going
through my mind at that exact moment, unsure where it is leading, unsure what
or why it was there loitering in my mind in the first place. Despite all the
confusions, it lingers on. Life is so much different from what is used to be.
Shocking time lapse of change in such a short period of time, life seems to be
moving forward in such a pace that stopping for a breather or two seems almost
impossible.
At least I am staring at a wall that I could decorate with things that I love now, with a comparison on a big window but only to be blocked by a tall ledge of fence before. Looking to my left is a view of the greeneries on the outside, with a much bigger window that is operable with ease. Then a glance on my right, a double closet with mirrors on its exterior, making the room look much bigger than it already is. Waking up to random noises going on around the house, familiar music playing at different times, chirpy clatters going about gleefully, this feels more like a home than what it used to be. We always settle for what was best at the point of time, til we get the chance to have an experience of something better. This, was definitely worth the amount of silly stressful days that I used to have back then.
Define stress.
Maybe a little queasy in the heart and a mind that is always filled with questions on how things could be done as perfect as it could be. Time will always be the biggest enemy and there is no way in turning back time, nor chasing after it even if one desperately needs it. Some would say time is priceless, and some would agree that it is ridiculous to be using unnecessary money on time, simply because time is not something that needs to be paid for.. time moves on with or without us. Time doesn't wait for anyone, or anything.
What about sacrifices..?
What should be the priority, when everything seems to be bundled up in a ball of rubber bands, and the only way to take it apart, is by unravelling them one at a time. Even with a crumpled piece of paper, there is a starting point somewhere. To end something, is to begin somewhere. Looking at how complicated the mess is, one would just give in almost immediately without even giving it a thought or two. Others would stare at it, and plot for ideas and plans on how to solve it in the most systematic and conventional way possible. Some, would immediately dig into it, and figure out how it goes along the way. There is no telling who is wrong, and who is right. Everyone has got their own capabilities, and differences in skills, everyone will succeed at their own given rates.
It's a whole different approach; mind blown.
At least I am staring at a wall that I could decorate with things that I love now, with a comparison on a big window but only to be blocked by a tall ledge of fence before. Looking to my left is a view of the greeneries on the outside, with a much bigger window that is operable with ease. Then a glance on my right, a double closet with mirrors on its exterior, making the room look much bigger than it already is. Waking up to random noises going on around the house, familiar music playing at different times, chirpy clatters going about gleefully, this feels more like a home than what it used to be. We always settle for what was best at the point of time, til we get the chance to have an experience of something better. This, was definitely worth the amount of silly stressful days that I used to have back then.
Define stress.
Maybe a little queasy in the heart and a mind that is always filled with questions on how things could be done as perfect as it could be. Time will always be the biggest enemy and there is no way in turning back time, nor chasing after it even if one desperately needs it. Some would say time is priceless, and some would agree that it is ridiculous to be using unnecessary money on time, simply because time is not something that needs to be paid for.. time moves on with or without us. Time doesn't wait for anyone, or anything.
What about sacrifices..?
What should be the priority, when everything seems to be bundled up in a ball of rubber bands, and the only way to take it apart, is by unravelling them one at a time. Even with a crumpled piece of paper, there is a starting point somewhere. To end something, is to begin somewhere. Looking at how complicated the mess is, one would just give in almost immediately without even giving it a thought or two. Others would stare at it, and plot for ideas and plans on how to solve it in the most systematic and conventional way possible. Some, would immediately dig into it, and figure out how it goes along the way. There is no telling who is wrong, and who is right. Everyone has got their own capabilities, and differences in skills, everyone will succeed at their own given rates.
It's a whole different approach; mind blown.
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