Day 1
Today, the first day where I am officially on the ultimate frisbee field for a proper tournament. Though it obviously isn't a very big deal of a tournament, but it is a tournament and it creeps the shit out of me.
I hate the fact that I am the first person to beat myself out of everything. Even with that excitement I had when I first found out that I got through to the team, I still feel like I really don't belong here. My confidence level is fsr beyond zero. It is all possibly because I am just allowing myself to be defeated. I hate this feeling really bad. I don't even know how to get out of it.
Because I know I have to play my best, and this is the worst where I will beat myself with every little mistake that I could possibly do. OR I would just make mistakes on purpose and be okay with ir because I know I did it on purpose. Omg. I don't make any sense anymore. With little mistakes I do, I then realised I could actually do better. But somehow nerves will always get the best of me and I just fall into failure.
Maybe because I don't have enough experience to be in all these shit? :O
Rookie.
How much of a rookie can you be?
Here I am reflecting of what I had done today in my first proper tournament. There had been a lot of mistakes that I have done. Not sure why my instincts weren't kicking in as it should. It felt like I was playing pretty crappy, as always.
There was that last point where it felt like I was more of a space hogger instead of playing properly. No reason why there, I wasn't making space as I should be. Then I decided to stay away from the end zone when it turned again, giving more space for others to cap the point. Though I got caught and was told to be at the stack just as the point was being captured. Well hey, at least I wasn't clogging space as I knew my slowness might cause some collision while I slowly jog over to the stack, I was already exhausted then. Though I really shouldn't be exhausted, but.. Hrmmm.. I am just that unfit. :/
Though I thought I did well on defense today. Wing, my favorite position. :) that's the only time that I shined today. Hehe
But there was this girl from the Ballarat team where I felt like tackling really bad. Initially I thought it was just her way of playing the game. But as the point went on, it felt as though she was mocking me or something. I didn't like that feeling and instantly felt like slapping her if it was actually possible. I couldn't get myself to play on the point if she was on, or just mention that I can't mark up on her if she was on. Was really afraid that I could lose it and hammer her in place, right there and then. She was much 'fatter' than me, but somehow.. whatever she did, irks the shit out of me!
Rookie.
I wonder how long will I be stuck here with no progress whatsoever.
Hrmmm..
Day 3
Whatever happened yesterday, I can't remember. But there were a couple of throws that I could have caught but just missed by an inch. Ohh, how I wish I have them glue hands like Myriam. But owh well, I did really try my best when I do get on the line. Also the fact that I got used to the flow where I only hop on a max of 6 points out of the whole game. So there really is no reason for me not to perform at my best.
I like how the team pretty much just trust your instincts and capabilities when you are in play. They give out shouts to remind you what you knew, they cheer you on when you are doing the right thing. Even when you knew you could have done better, they would just encourage you more and keep cheering you on. This spirit is insane. I'd dare say that this spirit is much more intense than cheerleading. :P Possibly I only landed on the most spirited team, but I'd like to believe that this sport is more than a 100% spirited game. :)
We had three games yesterday, matches with Swinburne, RMIT and Deakin. Would have to say each game was as intense as it should be, probably performed better if we weren't that shaken up. But a little tension in us makes us want to work harder with how we play, making the best decisions as we play. The toughest match was against RMIT, where we lost by one point.
I really couldn't remember what happened yesterday, cause it was so tiring. I only wanted to sleep after my shower yesterday. Even when the Melbourne team came over, I somehow did feel a little scared cause there were just so many people in one small room. But everyone had fun and some drinking games before heading over to the club. I was already dead.. so I stayed home and have an early sleep. Awesome 8 hours of sleep. Hehehe. Best ever!
Today we had two games, la trobe and utas. Only played about 3 points per game. Which is absolutely fine because we have 7 girls and 3 girls would just hop on when they feel like. Me? I sit out for almost all the points. It pretty much feels like they don't really need me on, and I would feel like they would do a better job than I would anyways. Also I could feel myself dying after every point I play. It is seriously cold. Thank goodness there isn't rain other than the super low temperature. Brrrr..
Today apparently I did good despite the very little amount of points I was on. I did a defense on the first game. Apparently I skied some guys who were chasing the disc and I was at the right area, so I just grabbed it.
During that last game, where I was given the position; open side wing, coach told us wings to watch out for one particular guy cause he will throw it long. So the disc was on my side, and that guy was going for the disc so I blocked that out and left my wing open for abit. Just as this mid guy backed off, another person was running in on the wing. I really thought that I kinda flunked up a little, but I ran where I was supposed to be and I actually got the D! Omg. I even said 'shit' as I was running back to where I was. GG. Everyone on the sidelines were screaming at me for doing that. Like whoa.. I did something right! Yeayy!! :DD
That was a really nice feeling. It really is. :) Though I always feel extremely happy when other people did amazing things on the field and would praise them too. But I guess I was rarely on this side where everybody was celebrating and praising what I did on field. What is this sorcery? It does make me feel greedy in wanting more praises like that though. But mehh, other people deserve it more than I do. I would praise them all day if it doesn't actually annoy them. :P But its just plain weird if I did.
Hehe.
I really have to say I have improved alot though. Making space is like my favorite part. HAHAHAHAHA. Cause I won't feel terrible if I miss the disc if it is being thrown to me. But despite so, I would still run and make cuts whenever possible. AH comeon, I admit I am still terrible at my stamina. Which makes me tired and disappointed if I don't get the disc when I make the cuts. :X Playing wing on defense and offense are my favorites. :D Though it does tire me out with the long fast runs I make in wing offense, I still feel like it is a more definite chance of me doing something right when that happens. :X
I love this experience playing for Monash on some proper tournament. Every one is at their best and silly mistakes and better skills will outshine one another and this is where we learn more and adapt to different play types and skills. This is awesome. Even when I don't get to play much, but it makes me focus and think on what would work out best for the team to score a point.
Let's bleed blue tomorrow, and take that medal home. :)
Day 4
Whack-o game against Melbourne U as the first game at 9am that day. I have to admit I was pretty nervous about this one. I have been hopping on to their trainings when Monash didn't have trainings or if I had missed my own training. Which is pretty unfair but I got the better side of it as I got extra training. I would end up making my own opinions and thoughts on how each teams had their own pros and cons. But of course I had to keep it in, no reason to burst any bubbles in anyway. And I really appreciate this opportunity to have that trust between both of these teams and allowing me to train alongside them happily. Like I really have to admit I would probably be shit ass during this tournament and become a dead weight instead.
Eventhough we lost to Melbourne U, I am pretty sure everyone is satisfied with their effort and spirit in that game. It was almost like a friendly rivalry, which I find absolutely awesome. But I had to admit I was really upset for abit when we lost. LOL One week away from trainings really did have an impact in my system.. MEHHH.
The game against UTAS was the bronze medal placing game. It was a tight match, especially because we played against them the day before as well. We pretty much could tell that they were coming back real strong, wanting to go home with a medal badly. I think I went on for about 6 points in this match. Going on defenses only, because obviously they need Myriam to get those good cuts on offense with them steel hands of hers.
FEELING REALLY LAZY TO BLOG TODAY.
I FEEL SO SORE I DON'T WANT TO THINK and just lie in bed all day today. Though seriously I am feeling PTD.. like I should be up and running right now, but I am in bed just chilling. HRMMM..
GG.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
See the problem with being me, is that I overthink and overlook everything, ensuring that I have every corner of the problem covered. Sometimes I wonder why on Earth would I bother getting myself into such trouble, when this could be easily done by other people, who could even possibly do a better job at it than I would. Sometimes I wonder where this mental moment come from. It just seems ridiculous as heck. Especially when I used to spend my time talking to myself through this blog to express my own thoughts. But now I just can't seem to do that anymore. Sharing my thoughts specifically on that particular something seems somewhat forbidden and it would cause alot of chaos if ever speak a word of it. Then of course, that just adds to my mental bottle.
Even right now, there is just so much stuff going through my head, I am just not sure where I should start. If I do voice out my concerns and weak thoughts, it could possibly portray that I am weak in my own level of organisation and decision making. If I do somehow let that go, and people latch on that instantly, I would most probably die and be stuck for a moment until I get over that fact that my weakness has been exposed. Then of course, if that weakness is seen, it can't be unseen, and people expect an improvement out of that and would be disappointed if you somehow choose to linger around that loser pool.
I am a fool to be alive.
Even right now, there is just so much stuff going through my head, I am just not sure where I should start. If I do voice out my concerns and weak thoughts, it could possibly portray that I am weak in my own level of organisation and decision making. If I do somehow let that go, and people latch on that instantly, I would most probably die and be stuck for a moment until I get over that fact that my weakness has been exposed. Then of course, if that weakness is seen, it can't be unseen, and people expect an improvement out of that and would be disappointed if you somehow choose to linger around that loser pool.
I am a fool to be alive.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
We pick people to hate. Even when it's an innocent person walking by you minding their own business, we can't help but to have a thought or two for ourselves. Often, those thoughts would be negative. Like today, I walking across the road towards my house, and looked at the car, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, with a girl on the driver's seat, and a guy on the passengers seat. It's just another ordinary scene, but my mind went into an instant criticism mode; she must be some rich girl being spoilt by her parents with such luxury. Also a kid giving the cashier a high 5 whilst it is a peak hour at McDonald's, only made me feel like they were both inconsiderate as the line behind that girl was already stagnant with about 5 customers. Even stole a glance at one of the customers rolling their eyes for abit. I saw that bro, I totes saw that.
But what would you have felt if you were to be on the other side; their shoes?
Either you don't give a crap about what others would think, or go paranoid that you'll always be judged regardless.
There isn't a person that I hate so much, that I would curse their existence to be reversed other than myself. Time travel, to stop that existence process perhaps. If only it was possible for people to see what could have possibly happen in the future, that the current decision could be altered in certain ways to prevent chaos? What is the point of that anyways. Don't know. It's more like an instant imaginary thought that bombarded my noggins for abit. But really, I do hate myself.
You decided to click to have a view of what might be going through my mind, so I shall blab with all honesty. *smiley face* There are times where I personally feel like I should apologise to everyone who knows me. Maybe somewhere along the lines of; 'I am sorry for being the way I am, for causing you trouble, for giving unnecessary hassle, for being a pain from time to time. I would have been a completely different individual, probably a better person than what I am today. Maybe I could have been a nicer person, less sensitive, stronger as an individual, as a person. Maybe..' But I already have existed, and it is a struggle finding myself an identity. Sometimes, I secretly believed that I lived my life with several personalities. Sometimes I think that I am living in my own world that I couldn't connect with anyone else around me.
Though the problem is, I am living and I have to incorporate myself with everything else that is happening around me. How much of myself am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? It seems easy for others to just live happily, not giving too much thoughts about anything else. Possible, that I gave myself too much scrutiny where I picture myself to be the perfect person in order to have a place on the surface of this earth. There isn't a rule on how you live life, but there is a stigma.
There was this man, who I believe is special, who has a slightly slower mentality and a different mind of the everyday people that we see. We people would call them down syndrome or any other names that could possibly hit our brains at that particular time. We get scared of these people. Why? This man, he seems like everyone else, he sits on this seat that was available in the train. This girl in front of me, all goth-up with a combination of purple, blue and green in her hair with her face full of hooks and pins, dressed in full black.. She was afraid of this man. Was it because we know it is going to be slightly difficult communicating with them, or is it because we are trying very hard to accept them as normal people when the reality of them being slightly abnormal, overwhelms?
How do you human? How do you normal?
Bleargh. It is as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore, future seems like it's nothing. 20 years alive and every minuscule achievement doesn't seem like it's giving me any boost for wherever I am headed after I am done with my third year.
It's still a plan, though it seems really unconvincing. Fingers crossed.
But what would you have felt if you were to be on the other side; their shoes?
Either you don't give a crap about what others would think, or go paranoid that you'll always be judged regardless.
There isn't a person that I hate so much, that I would curse their existence to be reversed other than myself. Time travel, to stop that existence process perhaps. If only it was possible for people to see what could have possibly happen in the future, that the current decision could be altered in certain ways to prevent chaos? What is the point of that anyways. Don't know. It's more like an instant imaginary thought that bombarded my noggins for abit. But really, I do hate myself.
You decided to click to have a view of what might be going through my mind, so I shall blab with all honesty. *smiley face* There are times where I personally feel like I should apologise to everyone who knows me. Maybe somewhere along the lines of; 'I am sorry for being the way I am, for causing you trouble, for giving unnecessary hassle, for being a pain from time to time. I would have been a completely different individual, probably a better person than what I am today. Maybe I could have been a nicer person, less sensitive, stronger as an individual, as a person. Maybe..' But I already have existed, and it is a struggle finding myself an identity. Sometimes, I secretly believed that I lived my life with several personalities. Sometimes I think that I am living in my own world that I couldn't connect with anyone else around me.
Though the problem is, I am living and I have to incorporate myself with everything else that is happening around me. How much of myself am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? It seems easy for others to just live happily, not giving too much thoughts about anything else. Possible, that I gave myself too much scrutiny where I picture myself to be the perfect person in order to have a place on the surface of this earth. There isn't a rule on how you live life, but there is a stigma.
There was this man, who I believe is special, who has a slightly slower mentality and a different mind of the everyday people that we see. We people would call them down syndrome or any other names that could possibly hit our brains at that particular time. We get scared of these people. Why? This man, he seems like everyone else, he sits on this seat that was available in the train. This girl in front of me, all goth-up with a combination of purple, blue and green in her hair with her face full of hooks and pins, dressed in full black.. She was afraid of this man. Was it because we know it is going to be slightly difficult communicating with them, or is it because we are trying very hard to accept them as normal people when the reality of them being slightly abnormal, overwhelms?
How do you human? How do you normal?
Bleargh. It is as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore, future seems like it's nothing. 20 years alive and every minuscule achievement doesn't seem like it's giving me any boost for wherever I am headed after I am done with my third year.
It's still a plan, though it seems really unconvincing. Fingers crossed.
Friday, May 24, 2013
I forgotten what it feels like to be myself. Technically, 628-43091548yft;madsgvna'ropvjkdsa /leiur[-032ui5trmg/vk a'lvkajhr85t02981095-39jf09wjc-[09aikf['asmv[irhyg[asof would probably summarise what is going through my head at this point of time. Then again, it's plain gibber. It doesn't make any sense, it doesn't mean anything. But in fact, it means so much that it just wraps itself with a bunch of other stuff that makes it completely meaningless. Just like what I feel right at this very moment.
Not to forget me shoving my limbs into random places and causing unnecessary pain to myself. Pretty sure it's not because of the absolute coldness that my body is feeling that brings slight numbness to the edges of my limbs, but it is also the absent mindedness that my mind is floating in. As much as I try to convince myself to snap back into reality, it just feels like there is a distant gap between where I am at and where reality is at. Somewhat like looking at a screen in front of me where everything is moving forward, almost in a very fast pace, while I am still sitting here, looking at how bizarre and frightening the things that I am looking at.
Then of course, this is all in my own mind, I should be able to easily shove it all away if I could just stop and focus on something more important and something that would be worth my time having a focus on. But why can't I just get my body back up, and walk into reality, instead of just living life bluntly?
There isn't anything wrong my life at the moment. It is somewhat of a perfect life that I almost always hoped it would have turned out just before I came over here. I have a life now. I have lovely housemates who will always be there to cheer me up and keep me company, I have ultimate frisbee to have my social life going, I have a commitment where I have something to make me step out of my comfort zone to learn more about the real world and to gain personal experiences. Everything is perfect as of now.
Hrmmm...
Not to forget me shoving my limbs into random places and causing unnecessary pain to myself. Pretty sure it's not because of the absolute coldness that my body is feeling that brings slight numbness to the edges of my limbs, but it is also the absent mindedness that my mind is floating in. As much as I try to convince myself to snap back into reality, it just feels like there is a distant gap between where I am at and where reality is at. Somewhat like looking at a screen in front of me where everything is moving forward, almost in a very fast pace, while I am still sitting here, looking at how bizarre and frightening the things that I am looking at.
Then of course, this is all in my own mind, I should be able to easily shove it all away if I could just stop and focus on something more important and something that would be worth my time having a focus on. But why can't I just get my body back up, and walk into reality, instead of just living life bluntly?
There isn't anything wrong my life at the moment. It is somewhat of a perfect life that I almost always hoped it would have turned out just before I came over here. I have a life now. I have lovely housemates who will always be there to cheer me up and keep me company, I have ultimate frisbee to have my social life going, I have a commitment where I have something to make me step out of my comfort zone to learn more about the real world and to gain personal experiences. Everything is perfect as of now.
Hrmmm...
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