33 July 2013

LOL. Did you see that? 33. Can you imagine how it would be like if we had more time than we have today? I'd say we would spend them doing unnecessary things and they will all be wasted.

Sitting in the train facing this family of 4, one girl about six to seven-ish, the other might be between one to two? LOL I am bad at estimating things. :X But anyway, I saw the mother who seems overweight while the father sits there attending the younger one. I can't help but to immediately discriminate them and assume they have had some rough times and aren't real model parents. The mother even used the words 'shut up' to her elder girl because she wanted some attention. Heh. I hate that, really. That's just not the right words to use on a child. Apparently the baby got scratched and the mother was framing the father for scratching the baby. Why..?

The other day when I was at Gold Coast, I saw a parent hit his son and the kid started screaming and crying. The mother just went 'shut up' on the kid and caught me looking at them. Mother said 'what are you looking at?!' with that disapproving face but said it in a manner where she is embarrassed by what I saw but still insist that she is doing the right thing. Not sure if I explained it well, but that got me pretty angry for a bit.

I had a pretty awesome dream last night. Where I was in this little world and if I flip a coin and it lands properly on the other side, I would be awarded with double the value of the coin I flipped. 

Omg. The baby is crying. I actually feel sad for the baby and not annoyed.. for the first time. It actually does break my heart hearing this baby's cry.. :(  I dare say that the elder child is reflecting what her parents like at home. 'Has she finished yet?' and when the baby went on crying, 'ah, really?'.

Sad. I actually don't feel like continuing with my dream now. :/

But it was pretty cool that dream, got me stuck in it for quite a long time. Mainly just failing and chasing after the coins. If there were mis-catches, the value splits rather oddly; .25 as well as .75 splits. Hehehe. Then there were two special "wizards" who could flip flawlessly. Every single time they flip, they'd catch it perfectly and they would get double the value. Everyone else saw, and finally got the grasp of it and would get coins forming into coins double the value flipped. LOL.

21 July 2013

Maybe I should start blogging everyday. Just to release myself from the unnecessary tension that I put myself into. I sometimes do believe that I am in desperate need of help too. In a way where I won't be judged for whatever I say, like a psychiatrist, or a personal counselor per say.. HRMMM.. Let's see if day-by-day blogging helps for the time being. With an addition catch, and extra burn to myself : total transparency. THAT, is going to be a big big challenge for me. meepp..

Looking at how Monday Night League is starting again tomorrow, I am feeling rather fortunate that I wouldn't have to worry too much on several problems that revolves around it..
1. Problems with getting there
2. Problems with having enough girls on the line to play
3. Problems with coming home in time for a massively early lecture the next day
4. Problems with having very random dinner times
5. Problems with getting home
Pretty much problems that are just popping out of my head, when all I should be doing, is enjoying them extra game hours I get as well as a little mingle with other ultimate frisbee players. Hrmm.. But in all seriousness, it really is far from where I live and it takes about an hour to get there, and what more, an hour to reach back home. Earliest game would begin at 7, which means I have to leave Clayton before 6, just to be there on time. I remember there were so many games where I would just turn up, wondering if we would have enough players to put a line on the field or not. Only resulting with subs from other divs and other groups filling in for us, just so we have a game to play. Hrmm..

What I like about Monday League however, were the training sessions that MUF organises in between games. It kinda gives me an extra minute or two on a little proper throws and cut timings before running on the field for my game. Also, watching everybody play ultimate frisbee is just fun. It gives me time away from other nonsense that I have to think of and just watch everyone play, while I try to mentally plan how it could be played better.

Can't imagine how bad my ulti skills will drop by me missing out on this season..
I have Sunday Uni League though. At least this is in the afternoon and I still can be home early at night for an 8am lecture on Monday (oh how I am going to dread this real badly). WELL.. we shall see how things will go.

*total transparency failed here. maybe i'll try again tomorrow. LOL*
I RESIGNED.
This isn't something I would normally do, I'd fight til my eyeballs fall out of my skull if I had to. But I had made my decision and I don't think it is wise to mention the reasons why I decided to do so. I guess as of now; YOLO.

I really should send out these souvenirs that I bought from Gold Coast.. it's hogging up space on my -already-narrow study table. Knowing myself, if I don't do it sooner or later, it's going to sit here til the end of time, untouched.. BLEARGH

Okayyy. Let's see how long I can keep up with this daily blogging shit.. :D
I AM PRETTY DETERMINED.

This could all be an imagination. This can't be real.

There are things that you just can't mention at all, even when you know it's the only thing that you want to talk about. You know that you shouldn't mention it at all, because you know that it doesn't matter that much to the other person, or that they would perceive it differently from what you have in mind. You would think that you are insane for having such thoughts that if anyone know of it, they would think that you are insane, which then makes you believe that you are indeed insane. But how do you talk about it, if you know it means that much to you, and the person just doesn't get it and you go mental thinking that you are the only one thinking in that sense? How do you stay sane, without going insane?

That paragraph probably doesn't mean anything at all. Trying to explain in the most layman language possible hoping the listener would get it, but you lose yourself getting to the point, that you end up yabbering nonsense away. Maybe I just don't know how to communicate normally anymore. Maybe I don't know what it is to be normal. My mind is simply full of everything that when a problem occurs, I literally had to shut down for a moment and weigh out my options before having a final say with my decision. The whole hassle of how I reach a conclusion is never to be mentioned and never to be brought upon in anyway. I stopped trusting myself with words, for I know there could be chances of words slipping out of my mouth and could possibly cause a disaster. But why am I so afraid of falling into pits of problems now?

It is as though I refuse to let my flaws make an appearance, refuse to let the world have a negative remark on the things I do. But like people say, in order to succeed,  we need to fail again and again. When will I reach the point where I stop failing and actually have triumphant moments where I can happily boast about? When will I smile and be proud of what I have achieved out of those uncountable miseries of misfortune encounters?

I am sure I am slowly losing myself as this wall builds. I have no more space to hide from the world and am only left with building myself upwards where I could possibly emerge on top of the world before falling to me death. But who knows, maybe my subconscious didn't manage to build a very tall wall and I'd still be able to leap off safely when I feel safe to. But even if I'm free from this wall, am I really free from myself?

If there is a way of eliminating this full on negativity within me, I'd gladly hop into it. It feels terrible being in this state and I know I am the only one who can save myself from falling deeper into this black hole.

But it feels safe in here, knowing that it's much easier to go down than to climb up and out of it with the chances of falling into it again. A little slip and every effort just slips back to nothing. It feels as though I am comfortable and I know what it could possibly feel like if I take another step down. My consciousness is keeping me in place, preventing me from taking this leap into darkness. My consciousness is telling me to fight on and take that fight to reach the top and not look down into darkness. But I can feel my body falling.. and draining my soul..

You tried proving to yourself that there is so much more than what you had done, who you had been. You tried proving to yourself that you can be much better than who you are today. You tried, you failed, you stopped to track back to where you have gone wrong. You have no answer to that. Reason maybe is simply because you knew you tried your best, but things just didn't go the way that you planned and thought it would be. Just like everything else, it is impossible for you to have a one time victory. There has to be that one moment of luck and a little bit of the good and bad in everything that you do. But which one outweighs the other, which one will emerge victorious after the strenuous mental struggle you have to go through just to have a result by the end of the day?

Well obviously I pretty much failed to meet my goal that I had set at the very beginning of this semester. Even by attending every single lectures and what not, my results still showed no difference. Which I find absolutely disappointing in myself. I immediately stopped and have a scan through of what it was that I had lacked, what it was that I could have possibly done wrong. Maybe it's because I was too invested into my extracurricular activities. YOLO, you can say. But look at what is lacking in me. Somehow I just wish that I have someone to yell at me for doing so badly again. It just doesn't feel like my results isn't doing me justice. Then again, who am I kidding?

Physiology was difficult for me, spent the entire semester complaining about how terrible the lectures are. Also, the three hours of lectures and three hours of lab per physio unit probably took a toll on me. I really did doubt myself on whether I could actually complete a major in Physiology. Music was just me messing my shit up. Getting a pass in that already makes me fly over the moon. No doubt I learned alot here, but I still think it's just me messing around with myself. LMAO. As for my biology unit.. one mark away from a distinction. I'd blame the cockiness as this was my last paper and I was absolutely relaxed about it. GOOD JOB.

If it was the extracurricular activities taking a massive chunk of my time, I'd probably have to agree. Many of you have probably seen or heard me complaining shit loads of what I have to do instead of ACTUALLY doing something about it. This is where I hate myself for being a girl, for being highly emotional about things that didn't need me stressing about. bullshit. If it was Ultimate Frisbee, I actually took a break from it for quite some time. THIS TOTES HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY STUDIES. Also, trying out for SUGs was on weekends, for like 2-3 hours. Being a pig that I am, I barely gave myself time to do extra trainings other than those scheduled ones with the team.

Speaking of Ulti, I still feel very blessed to have an opportunity to experience SUG with MUF this year. I only remember that I was really terrible at Defense as I couldn't be bothered to chase after my mark after a turnover simply because I was tired. I am pretty sure nobody actually expected me to do much at SUGs either. All I knew that I was the 7th girl on the team, where I am just filling in spaces and subbing when the girls are tired. Then again, they had more than enough girls on the team for subs anyways, so I had all the rest that I could possibly have. NO EXCUSES TO NOT RUN MY ARS OFF. Getting a couple of massive Ds were my proudest. I even had a couple of good cuts, but that's not important because we had better people who are better at cutting and catching the disc than me. HEHEHE. HEHEHEHEHEHE. Bronze. Another medal to add to my wall. :)

But in all seriousness, I don't really know what or where I can improve from where I 'achieved' from last semester. I actually NEVER gamed at all last semester. Come to think of it, I think I can survive.. Still doesn't do justice to what happened in comparison to the other two semesters. Like WHUT?

first sem : Loner. Gaming as companion. Studied like a complete nerd. 3D 1C.
sec sem: Got introduced to ultimate. Joined every single outing possible, slack on studying. Still gaming. 2P 2C
third sem: YOLO hardcore in almost everything I do.. NO GAMING. Less ulti.. 2P 2C..
I COULD HAVE GOTTEN 1D 2C and 1P!

Like in all honesty, if that one Distinction showed up in my results this sem, I'd probably be really happy. AT LEAST IT'S A SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT FROM THE SEM BEFORE.. damnitttttt..

What now?

Obviously I have got to finish what I started off with. With only three semesters left, two on my final year.. this is gonna be shit..

Mehhhhhhhh..

okay. :)

SUG 2013

Day 1

Today, the first day where I am officially on the ultimate frisbee field for a proper tournament. Though it obviously isn't a very big deal of a tournament, but it is a tournament and it creeps the shit out of me.

I hate the fact that I am the first person to beat myself out of everything. Even with that excitement I had when I first found out that I got through to the team, I still feel like I really don't belong here. My confidence level is fsr beyond zero. It is all possibly because I am just allowing myself to be defeated. I hate this feeling really bad. I don't even know how to get out of it.

Because I know I have to play my best, and this is the worst where I will beat myself with every little mistake that I could possibly do. OR I would just make mistakes on purpose and be okay with ir because I know I did it on purpose. Omg. I don't make any sense anymore. With little mistakes I do, I then realised I could actually do better. But somehow nerves will always get the best of me and I just fall into failure.
Maybe because I don't have enough experience to be in all these shit? :O

Rookie.

How much of a rookie can you be?

Here I am reflecting of what I had done today in my first proper tournament. There had been  a lot of mistakes that I have done. Not sure why my instincts weren't kicking in as it should. It felt like I was playing pretty crappy, as always.

There was that last point where it felt like I was more of a space hogger instead of playing properly. No reason why there, I wasn't making space as I should be. Then I decided to stay away from the end zone when it turned again, giving  more space for others to cap the point. Though I got caught and was told to be at the stack just as the point  was being captured. Well hey, at least I wasn't clogging space as I knew my slowness might cause some collision while I slowly jog over to the stack, I was already exhausted then. Though I really shouldn't be exhausted, but.. Hrmmm.. I am just that unfit. :/

Though I thought I did well on defense today. Wing, my favorite position. :) that's the only time that I shined today. Hehe

But there was this girl from the Ballarat team where I felt like tackling really bad. Initially I thought it was just her way of playing the game. But as the point went on, it felt as though she was mocking me or something. I didn't like that feeling and instantly felt like slapping her if it was actually possible. I couldn't get myself to play on the point if she was on, or just mention that I can't mark up on her if she was on. Was really afraid that I could lose it and hammer her in place, right there and then. She was much 'fatter' than me, but somehow.. whatever she did, irks the shit out of me!

Rookie.
I wonder how long will I be stuck here with no progress whatsoever.

Hrmmm..

Day 3

Whatever happened yesterday, I can't remember. But there were a couple of throws that I could have caught but just missed by an inch. Ohh, how I wish I have them glue hands like Myriam. But owh well, I did really try my best when I do get on the line. Also the fact that I got used to the flow where I only hop on a max of 6 points out of the whole game. So there really is no reason for me not to perform at my best.

I like how the team pretty much just trust your instincts and capabilities when you are in play. They give out shouts to remind you what you knew, they cheer you on when you are doing the right thing. Even when you knew you could have done better, they would just encourage you more and keep cheering you on. This spirit is insane. I'd dare say that this spirit is much more intense than cheerleading. :P Possibly I only landed on the most spirited team, but I'd like to believe that this sport is more than a 100% spirited game. :)

We had three games yesterday, matches with Swinburne, RMIT and Deakin. Would have to say each game was as intense as it should be, probably performed better if we weren't that shaken up. But a little tension in us makes us want to work harder with how we play, making the best decisions as we play. The toughest match was against RMIT, where we lost by one point.

I really couldn't remember what happened yesterday, cause it was so tiring. I only wanted to sleep after my shower yesterday. Even when the Melbourne team came over, I somehow did feel a little scared cause there were just so many people in one small room. But everyone had fun and some drinking games before heading over to the club. I was already dead.. so I stayed home and have an early sleep. Awesome 8 hours of sleep. Hehehe. Best ever!

Today we had two games, la trobe and utas. Only played about 3 points per game. Which is absolutely fine because we have 7 girls and 3 girls would just hop on when they feel like. Me? I sit out for almost all the points. It pretty much feels like they don't really need me on, and I would feel like they would do a better job than I would anyways. Also I could feel myself dying after every point I play. It is seriously cold. Thank goodness there isn't rain other than the super low temperature. Brrrr..

Today apparently I did good despite the very little amount of points I was on. I did a defense on the first game. Apparently I skied some guys who were chasing the disc and I was at the right area, so I just grabbed it.

During that last game, where I was given the position; open side wing, coach told us wings to watch out for one particular guy cause he will throw it long. So the disc was on my side, and that guy was going for the disc so I blocked that out and left my wing open for abit. Just as this mid guy backed off, another person was running in on the wing. I really thought that I kinda flunked up a little, but I ran where I was supposed to be and I actually got the D! Omg. I even said 'shit' as I was running back to where I was. GG. Everyone on the sidelines were screaming at me for doing that. Like whoa.. I did something right! Yeayy!! :DD

That was a really nice feeling. It really is. :) Though I always feel extremely happy when other people did amazing things on the field and would praise them too. But I guess I was rarely on this side where everybody was celebrating and praising what I did on field. What is this sorcery? It does make me feel greedy in wanting more praises like that though. But mehh, other people deserve it more than I do. I would praise them all day if it doesn't actually annoy them. :P But its just plain weird if I did.

Hehe.

I really have to say I have improved alot though. Making space is like my favorite part. HAHAHAHAHA. Cause I won't feel terrible if I miss the disc if it is being thrown to me. But despite so, I would still run and make cuts whenever possible. AH comeon, I admit I am still terrible at my stamina. Which makes me tired and disappointed if I don't get the disc when I make the cuts. :X Playing wing on defense and offense are my favorites. :D Though it does tire me out with the long fast runs I make in wing offense, I still feel like it is a more definite chance of me doing something right when that happens. :X

I love this experience playing for Monash on some proper tournament. Every one is at their best and silly mistakes and better skills will outshine one another and this is where we learn more and adapt to different play types and skills. This is awesome. Even when I don't get to play much, but it makes me focus and think on what would work out best for the team to score a point.

Let's bleed blue tomorrow, and take that medal home. :)

Day 4

Whack-o game against Melbourne U as the first game at 9am that day. I have to admit I was pretty nervous about this one. I have been hopping on to their trainings when Monash didn't have trainings or if I had missed my own training. Which is pretty unfair but I got the better side of it as I got extra training. I would end up making my own opinions and thoughts on how each teams had their own pros and cons. But of course I had to keep it in, no reason to burst any bubbles in anyway. And I really appreciate this opportunity to have that trust between both of these teams and allowing me to train alongside them happily. Like I really have to admit I would probably be shit ass during this tournament and become a dead weight instead.

Eventhough we lost to Melbourne U, I am pretty sure everyone is satisfied with their effort and spirit in that game. It was almost like a friendly rivalry, which I find absolutely awesome. But I had to admit I was really upset for abit when we lost. LOL One week away from trainings really did have an impact in my system.. MEHHH.

The game against UTAS was the bronze medal placing game. It was a tight match, especially because we played against them the day before as well. We pretty much could tell that they were coming back real strong, wanting to go home with a medal badly. I think I went on for about 6 points in this match. Going on defenses only, because obviously they need Myriam to get those good cuts on offense with them steel hands of hers.

FEELING REALLY LAZY TO BLOG TODAY.
I FEEL SO SORE I DON'T WANT TO THINK and just lie in bed all day today. Though seriously I am feeling PTD.. like I should be up and running right now, but I am in bed just chilling. HRMMM..

GG.