Meeting new people allows me to learn more about people and ponder monte about what I would want and what I would not want in my near future.

This time, I have spent a week with a dear friend of my mom's in Auckland. To be honest, I just came along not having any expectations about anything at all. Whether if I had to stay in for the entire time or if it was a full blown trip, I'd be fine either way. What struck me was the fact that my mom's friend seem like she wanted to bring us about yet at the same time she seemed abit burdened by it. Maybe it's my mom that secretly expects to be treated well or maybe there's something that I don't know that is happening between the two.

Relationships between people can be very messy and complicated. Sometimes I wonder why it is necessary for us to mingle with people when truthfully, it is all just 'you benefit me in some way and I can tolerate your requests' feeling in most of the relationships. For my mom and I, it really is difficult dealing with each other sometimes, especially since we haven't been spending quality times together.

I mean it's ridiculous that my mother and I bicker about me eating and what not when the family that we live with has a daughter of 12 years old have no problems with anything. I felt embarrassed at myself for being however my life has brought me. That ten years gap felt really strange and I wanted the best for her, hoping she doesn't end up with the bad things that I still had in me. Yet at the same time it's so hard to balance between being interesting and fun to a kid instead of boring the crap and scaring them with the reality of life. One thing though, I could not remember that I was that carefree when I was at that age. Possibly quiet as heck due to my fear for everything around me. At least happier for not knowing that seeking happiness is a thing now. Back then, happiness was all that we had.

Mom's friend's sister is 51 and is currently looking for a mate. Her daughter is getting married next year with a french guy. And her cat with her ex boyfriend of 7 years died today. Apparently she didn't cry as bad when her mother died. Huh. Look how much information I got out of being here only for 4 days. :/ sometimes I wish I didn't have to know all these family dramas. I mean I'd feel embarrassed letting people know how my mother and I interact with each other. She still sees me as a child and I refuse to grow up; the perfect combination for embarrassment.

I dislike that my mom sees me as a kid but I know I can't help it sometimes. We bicker over ridiculous things like 'give it to her, she'll eat it' when I just don't want to eat it anymore. And it would be a bad thing for me to say NO because I'm living in somebody else's home, saying NO is just rude. But even when I say no, mom will still shove it into my plate and I have to eat it. It's a pretty horrible feeling, to feel embarrassed and be embarrassed by your own people. I don't know why we do that. I just want to be away from my mother where I can just be me and not have my mother constantly judging and talking shit about me in front of me. :/

Then again, I see her very rarely, I suppose I can take a couple of hits before I black out. But part pf me wishes that she would just let me grow up already.

Nope. Human life is just complicated as fuck. I just want to return to my own sanctuary and figure myself out on my own. Building self confidence is gonna take a whole lot of me strength. That's hard.

Yeay! I have graduated!

It is a very strange feeling to feel. Lots of questions in my head that I will never have answers to.

This feels really strange typing a blog post on this "new" Samsung  note 4 of mine. Still very satisfied with my s3 really. But I'll have this phone running without a Sim card for the time being, just exploring and possibly playing a couple of games here just to brush it in. The fact that everything syncs back from my previous phone is a little bit scary. Then again, it sort of allows for smoother transition since my previous phone is about the same base and system. Not liking the massive size of note 4 though. No idea how it would fit into my purse. It really is massive! But the photo quality would be something I look forward to.

Mom's here for my graduation! Then my sister decided that it was my active decision in needing to invite her to my graduation. It's a thing with human behaviour isn't it? That need to be invited before you can clear your schedule for that someone. Then again, even when I planned way beforehand some people still manage to duck it up. Thanks autocorrect, you just made me look less vulgar. Kudos to you!

Sometimes I wish I could be somebody important worth people spending some time on. Face to face contact is what I need. It is the only way that I know that people care for me. Well, this reality has gotten me broken for quite a lot but it's  alright. I can feel like I am letting go of this quite thoroughly soon. :)

I got rejected for my first job application  with Melbourne Zoo. Was hopeful but I also knew that this would happen. I applied for an intership with them and got rejected too. Haha. Starting to feel like I probably don't  deserve to be in Melbourne Zoo. But I'll keep trying. Probably by the time I get into Melbourne  zoo, I'd be in a better position to reject them instead. :X

Moving out of my house and into my love's place. Things have been going well for the both of us. Being able to move in with him will give me a chance in getting a PR. We've gone as far as - which are we going to get first when we have our place together; a cat or a dog? He has been amazing and I'm sure he will continue being amazing. I sure do feel lucky having him by my side. :)♡

I realize I can't swype with this phone. The screen is way too massive for swypping. This actually needs to thumbs in order for swift typing. Hrmmm.

To dress up or not to dress up?

Yes?
What kind of dress would I like to wear?

Having scoliosis had made me aware that my crooked back is very visible. Not to forget my bony figure, it would be a bit of a sore to the eyes of people who looks at me. I guess I am guilty of being self bullied by the looks given by people when they have a glance on me. My mind would run wild, imagining all the possible negative things that can be thought of with just the sight of me. Then again, recently I've developed a love for super baggy clothes, most often see-through material where it just dangles off my body frame. That feeling of freedom as though I'm not really wearing anything at all! In a way, it does accentuate the fact that I am skinny but I have been skinny for the past 20 years of my life, I am comfortable with that reality now.

Body hugging material would work on my tall and slender figure, as it would show my sexiness. I've been told off that it reveals my crooked spine and how my bones were pretty much protruding out of my dress. Which made me a little bit aware of when I put on a dress, for these will be the expensive ones and ones that I will wear for several times and it has to bring out the feminine side of me when needed. Maxi dresses works perfectly well on me! It covers up my legs that resembles chicken legs. haha! Maxi dresses makes me feel grand, prim and proper. Recently I'd prefer knee length dresses over short dresses. I realise the short dresses don't really fit me and I am convinced that they are dresses made for petite people.

It's not everyday I would feel the need to feel pretty. In fact, it's never a priority for me to feel pretty almost at all! I'd wear the most horrible colour combination on me as I walk into lectures, or a walk on the street. My main goals on my everyday clothes were comfort and happiness. Clothes that make me feel happy. My skinny frame will mean that I generally feel cold much quicker than anyone else. I tend to invest alot of my money on hoodies and jumpers. They make me feel the happiest! Especially when it's brightly coloured or if its made of comfortable material. hehe

One day, I'd like to wear a bare back dress and flaunt it like it's meant to be worn by me. :)

I hate jeans. They suffocate me.
But really, if I was given the choice, I'd wear my sleeping clothes and walk around freely! :D

#procrastiblogging

I love you.

Finding the perfect one.. it's like waiting to see God in person.

I don't know how people would react to that sentence, but I've already written that. So let that sink in just a bit. :)

When you're single and mingling, looking around for the perfect one to spend the rest of your life with, compared to the time when you're happily in a steady relationship, you will tend to look back at how silly you were. At least in my case, that happened. But it's hard to look back and wondered what possibly went into my mind that lead me where I am today. It could be good and it could be bad. What I knew for sure what that circumstances weren't entirely right and this one happened to be right.

I admit, I used to hope that one day my significant other would treat me like a princess or a queen, be all pampered and happy. That's what I saw growing up, my brother was spending all of his time giving everything to his girlfriend as he possibly could. It made me wonder, why would a guy do that for a girl? Surely the girl is capable of doing things for herself and he is just going out of his way just to please her. Was this a thing that guys must do to get the girl? Show her that he can do everything, despite the trouble and what not? Then when I started college, friends around me were having relationships and were disappearing from the friendship circles. I thought that was just really silly. Why would the girl make him spend so much time with her and not allow him to do whatever he pleases instead of constantly pleasing her?

Girls around me had ideal boyfriend type and were constantly turning down boys who came up to them. Me being boy-ish felt like it was such a waste of time for the boys to fall so deeply in love with a girl who obviously had no fucks about his feelings at all. This was when boys would do almost anything he could possibly do to woo her and she was just not bothered at all. It always felt as though the boys were the unfortunate lost sheep in the relationship while the girls were in total domination most of the time. Then I just got so confused, what is up with girls? Wasn't this what girls wanted all along? Attention, attention and attention?

These things around me then made me realise that I don't want to have a perfect significant other. I 'wanted' someone who I find genuinely nice. As much as I tried staying away from stereotyping, I am still a girl after all.. which means it's still contradicting. LOL

Physiology thought me that people will not bond naturally due to stuff that we can't tell. At least it's one reason that I know seems rather legit that answers these mind boggling girl brains. Pheromones played a cue for the two genders to know whether they would be a good match or not. BUT modern days have added so much external stuff such as money, appearance and material possessions, they mess with the female minds even more. Zoology units have also thought me that it's completely fine for women to be picky with their partners simply because females were the ones producing eggs and going through menstruation and what not. Physiologically, producing egg and the parenting part weighs heavily on females, not so much on males. All the males needed to do was to prove that they have the genetics for her future babies to survive and continue passing the genes down.

I swear studying animals are so much more fun than figuring out humans. I laugh at the things that were being taught in Zoology which I felt related to humans. Like how girls would swoon over good looking men for no real reason. But I guess it just made things easier for me to understand that animals are complicated too! .. just not as complicated as humans. :D

Back to these dating junk.

I never actually saw myself in this relationship until it actually revealed itself. I knew I was attracted to his attributes, I knew I would like to share my life with somebody like him if I had the chance to, but it never once occurred to me that we would actually get together by the end of this courtship. It's funny to think about it. I thought I wasn't up to his standards (that age gap yo). But as months churned by, it became clear to me what relationships should be like and how courtship should have been different. Being in this relationship made me realise things I could not have possibly understood if I did not get to experience it first hand. I understood why my aunt told me to go for it, as long as he seems decent and is nice enough to care for me instead of taking advantage of me. I understood why sometimes parents would not allow certain relationships to happen. I understood why some people find the joy in sharing everything about their love lives - monthsary celebrations and why some people like me despise celebrating monthsaries. I understand why my brother went out of his way to please his now-wife.

I didn't force him to do anything that I wanted, but he knew the things that he do will make me happy. What I learnt, is that he really likes seeing me happy and would do whatever to make me happy. Yeap, I am that grumpy bitch sometimes. Especially when I am about to have my menstruation. I feel guilty that he has to face my random emotions from time to time, but he understands it's not something I can control sometimes. We get frustrated and angry at each other quite frequently but with some food and cuddles by the end of the day, everything will be fine again.

Being in a relationship is about giving and taking, wholeheartedly. Both parties understanding each others limits and giving encouragement or time when necessary. There were couple of times I thought that he shouldn't deserve so much pain from me as I could no longer control my emotions. But he held on tight. We don't agree most of the time; food, time, ideas, thoughts - but we accept them and we compromise. I feel so comfortable that I don't have to dress to impress. Even if I walk out of my house with sleeping clothes on, he'll still find me hot. I still don't agree with him finding me hot, but I accept it. Without knowing it, I found confidence in myself, something I had been struggling to find for a very long time.

Truthfully saying, I don't think there will ever be the perfect one. It's more of finding someone who is willing to go through the good and the ugly of both lives, together. There's still a long way to go, and a whole lot of arguments to resolve. But we'll work our way there and live with what we have at the  moment.

Life has also told me that if a boy really likes you, he really likes you. So ladies, don't take for granted of that. That's just selfish. If you really don't feel like you can gel with him, let him know, let him go BUT make sure you'll never regret this decision by letting him go.

Though truthfully, I can't say which is the best way in finding your way through life. Take a leap of faith, if you must. If things don't go right, try again. The path that you choose, the walk that you take is all depending on you.

Just make sure you don't regret the decision you make.

Getting a 'permit' to stay in Australia is necessary. I knew there were several things that could be done and one of them was potentially a de fecto visa.

But of course, if I could, I should avoid that. There's other visas I could potentially apply for as well.. one, really: work visa. Then again, employers wouldn't want to employ me if I don't have a pr because they will be responsible of applying for my stay in Australia. I, don't have an asset that they need that they have to buy my stay with them. They can easily employ locals.

Turmoil.

But thank you for finally looking into it. At least now I know it's not only me who wants to stay in Australia. At least now I know I have a better chance in staying here too.

Ps. Australia doesn't need an asian zoology graduate. My main reason why applying for a PR alone is not going to work.