It is difficult searching for a place that you truly belong to. That's simply because I have been searching for like minded people without realising that there's a vast variation of people like me. Just like individuals, finding someone who is exactly like me is probably 1 in a million. Close to never, perhaps.

My thoughts about the zoo has drastically changed within the first few months being a volunteer there. It is absolutely mind boggling as I initially assumed every other volunteer would have the same idea and thoughts as I would regarding animals in the zoo. But of course, we may share the same passion for animals but the way that we express it would differ a whole lot.

There were a couple of things I didn't understand:
1. How the volunteers were mentioning the animals in the zoo as though they were their own pet or children.
2. Feel absolutely proud of what they do, when all we really do is talk to people, direct people to where they want to go, help find lost children.
3. Why different days functions differently; one day it will all be "go go go" and the other is more "don't bother, just go be you".
4. They aren't there for the animals.

Me?
It got me worked up quite a bit. I thought of quitting. Everything that I was experiencing wasn't really pleasant and I was absolutely confused to what I was meant to be feeling.

I knew that all I wanted to do was to prioritize the animals and doing things that would be more focused towards the animals. I guess this voluntary role conflicts my aim as the things I do were more for the people's satisfaction over the welfare of animals. It was wearing me down over time, then a campaign came up and all that was important was the number of petitions we got.

I finally realized that I don't belong in this role. It bothers me a lot when I have to deal with..
- ignorant bastards who come to the zoo thinking they know everything
- brain pooped parents bringing their children to "an animal themed amusement park" to educate.. drain their kid of energy so that they can rest later
- young adults who make a nuisance, shitting all over the property
- VEGANS
- activists against all kinds of different stuff
At the end of the day, I asked myself why do I need to deal with all these bullshit.

Because I was that kid who loves animals so much I would visit every single zoo and feel inspired to be one of the zoo keepers when I grow up. The zoo was the only place to go, when the rest of the world seemed like they didn't understand my love for animals.

I have met one little girl who I saw had the same passion as I did. I gave her a little sticker for her good job answering my question and I gave her a little advice to never give up.

Her mom of course thought it was a silly dream of hers to be a wildlife conservationist, but I am glad she wasn't being all negative about it either. Which was a sigh a relieve.

I guess I was searching deep to find that my childhood dreams wasn't all a lie. That I didn't want to quit because there has got to be something more than this. There is no way I was going to let life crush my lifelong dream.

So why am I still serving the zoo?
I get to tell people to put out their cigarettes.
I get to tell people to stop throwing their balls around.
I get to party poop by telling them that helium balloons are not allowed.
I get to watch idiots think they know it all, laugh on the inside thinking how much I used to be like them.
I get discounts.
I get to see the animals more often than I normally would.
I made friends with my batch mates, we share our problems and support each other.
I really like owning the outfit, especially the jacket and refuse to return it.
I know what is happening with the animals in the zoo, and it is always a little bit exciting when a baby is due.

I want to make sure that kids like the younger me don't ever give up on their dreams and hope they are more successful than I am.

Good enough? Sure, I can do this once a week. Now I get to choose how I feel about zoo stuff - platonic.

I feel like I have lost control of my own life.

Thank goodness I haven't done anything insane or detrimental to my own wellbeing..
Fuck.

I have problems with eating.  Maybe it's eating disorder. But nobody can help me? I mean. I don't think anybody would understand why I am the way I am.

Here's one example.
Jinwei knows I only eat food that I want to eat. He also knows I don't mind starving. He also understands  how this is making me physically weaker than I should be.

But I mean, I don't think there's anything he can do. Other than just making sure I don't die, right?

I can tell you now that I am just absolutely hungry. But I refuse to eat. I think that there's no food for me to eat. In reality, there's plenty of food downstairs for me to eat. They just aren't food I would feel happy eating.

That's a problem.

I would only eat if I know I will be happy eating it.

I absolutely hate eating by myself. Because of that, I would rather skip meals.

You can't tell me to simply 'eat more'. I can't explain how eating is a mental disorder for me.

Fact that my mom is constantly telling me to eat more and nag about how skinny I am doesn't make me feel any better. 

I feel like I have mentioned this before. It really is a problem.

When I was younger, my friend's parents would pity me and my aunt would get angry at me when they give me nice things and buy me nice dinner. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand why she would get angry, I didn't understand what I did wrong.

Tonight I thought about it.

Parents of my friends would feel bad that I don't have a normal family. That I am brought up by my aunt and her family, almost like a Cinderella kind of story. They feel bad for me when they find out that I don't see my mother often. My friends wouldn't know any different whether I had parents or not, they just saw me as who I was.

Maybe me aunt got angry because she feels embarrassed. Maybe inadequate to people's eyes that they have to buy nice things for me. Afraid that she was being judged for being the 'evil mother' who was forced to raise me up.

But I'd like to think that my aunt was just teaching me that I should be an independent woman. I didn't have to take peoples pity to get perks in life. I didn't need people to pity me to have friendships. I didn't need the approval of other people to be "normal".

Yet at the same time, it was pretty good to be getting all the love and attention from friend's family. I remember that I was constantly jealous of my friends' families and was secretly hoping they'll adopt me or something.

2.46am 26th March 2016

I am starting to think that I am crazy. In a place where I finally found people who are similar to me, I still feel isolated and lost.

Yes, they have the same enthusiasm about animals. But why do I feel like theirs aren't as genuine as mine?

Yes, they undeniably love animal as much as I do. But why do I feel like they are loving animals for the wrong reasons?

Yes, we may be working towards the same goal. But why do I feel like their purpose of reaching that goal is different from mine?

Am I reading a wrong book or is this something I have to go through before I actually find the real meaning to all of this?

I don't understand how this is even possible. Nothing makes any sense.

Is this not the place that I've always wanted to be in? Why is it unpleasant, why is it so difficult, why does everything feel so wrong? Have I been living a lie all this while?