I don't think I should ever apologize for being myself.

I may feel bad for the things that I do or say sometimes, but it doesn't mean it's indefinite or I will never learn from that.

I have come a long way from learning about who I really am and what I want to become.

I am getting there. I have taken my first couple of steps into the door. I think I am liking it here.

So if you think I should live my life otherwise, you can shove that up your own ass. Cause I don't have the time to think about your petty negative thoughts about me.

I have a cat who gives me cuddles during the day even when she doesn't really feel comfortable. She would still stay with me even when she knows she won't be getting a proper nap. If that isn't love, I don't know what else is.

Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to me.
Goodbye to the past.

Hello Harriet ❤

Hello bloggie,

Bue-lo-jji. I'd like to call you that. Haha. Poor you, an inanimate object and I am butchering you. Oops.

I'm sitting outside of Cotton On in DFO South Wharf right now. I just had a moment of realization where I have been shopping to make myself feel better. It seems like I couldn't do other stuff to make me feel better and it's just shopping that I can do now. That's not even it. I shouldn't even be spending my money that I am not earning. Sigh. But what else can I do?

I realise I have been going around hunting for cheap things or good bargains and I would feel the need to purchase them. I create a reason to buy them, even though in reality I don't need them.

I couldn't eat good food like how I used to. I couldn't travel out to places I like to relieve myself. I could feel like there is an urge in me that I needed to break out and just do something I really love.

Shopping therapy is only temporary, but almost instant. I got bored of the food around cbd and the thought of spending all the money on eating them by myself just makes me feel depressed. There's nowhere to go on my own now, no time for me to escape from routine and try something new. I can't cook good homemade food either. What more, I can't quite find comfort from Jinwei when I need. I'd come home feeling absolutely drained and during the weekends, he has got his own plans. What am I to do when I am home alone during the weekends?

This is, though just one month worth of work placement. Especially after yesterday I am just drained and I still can't get anything I need that would satisfy me.

So right now, I am sitting outside of Cotton On. They've got a sale going on in there now, all ladies wear $10 and under. I only found one dress for $5 that I can't wear until middle of September. I can't quite explain why I am feeling like this. But I am feeling really bummed.

Now I gotta walk back to the tram stop, take two trams, and walk home. That's gonna a take about an hour to do.

:/

Casual conversation with someone, I start sharing my deepest concern about my life, they respond as if they have a solution to my life problems. Why is it that their interpretation seems so far off from what I am trying to share with them?

Are they even paying attention to what I am saying?

Are they just busy trying giving me solutions based on how they are living their life?

I admit I do that too. So is this how people have conversations? Just blab and not listening?

But I love listening to people and get excited when we happen to share a similarity somewhere. But of course I am not always right about my guesses.

It always feels as if they are judging my every word. Or that I am just wrong or not as well to do than they are.

Why can't I just be happy about who I am and what I am doing?

:(

Nope. It's not always about me, it is always about them.

List of things I would spend money on:
Bubble tea
Food
Good games
Lego minifigure
Concert
Musical
Comfortable clothing that I can see myself wearing for at least 2 years

It is difficult searching for a place that you truly belong to. That's simply because I have been searching for like minded people without realising that there's a vast variation of people like me. Just like individuals, finding someone who is exactly like me is probably 1 in a million. Close to never, perhaps.

My thoughts about the zoo has drastically changed within the first few months being a volunteer there. It is absolutely mind boggling as I initially assumed every other volunteer would have the same idea and thoughts as I would regarding animals in the zoo. But of course, we may share the same passion for animals but the way that we express it would differ a whole lot.

There were a couple of things I didn't understand:
1. How the volunteers were mentioning the animals in the zoo as though they were their own pet or children.
2. Feel absolutely proud of what they do, when all we really do is talk to people, direct people to where they want to go, help find lost children.
3. Why different days functions differently; one day it will all be "go go go" and the other is more "don't bother, just go be you".
4. They aren't there for the animals.

Me?
It got me worked up quite a bit. I thought of quitting. Everything that I was experiencing wasn't really pleasant and I was absolutely confused to what I was meant to be feeling.

I knew that all I wanted to do was to prioritize the animals and doing things that would be more focused towards the animals. I guess this voluntary role conflicts my aim as the things I do were more for the people's satisfaction over the welfare of animals. It was wearing me down over time, then a campaign came up and all that was important was the number of petitions we got.

I finally realized that I don't belong in this role. It bothers me a lot when I have to deal with..
- ignorant bastards who come to the zoo thinking they know everything
- brain pooped parents bringing their children to "an animal themed amusement park" to educate.. drain their kid of energy so that they can rest later
- young adults who make a nuisance, shitting all over the property
- VEGANS
- activists against all kinds of different stuff
At the end of the day, I asked myself why do I need to deal with all these bullshit.

Because I was that kid who loves animals so much I would visit every single zoo and feel inspired to be one of the zoo keepers when I grow up. The zoo was the only place to go, when the rest of the world seemed like they didn't understand my love for animals.

I have met one little girl who I saw had the same passion as I did. I gave her a little sticker for her good job answering my question and I gave her a little advice to never give up.

Her mom of course thought it was a silly dream of hers to be a wildlife conservationist, but I am glad she wasn't being all negative about it either. Which was a sigh a relieve.

I guess I was searching deep to find that my childhood dreams wasn't all a lie. That I didn't want to quit because there has got to be something more than this. There is no way I was going to let life crush my lifelong dream.

So why am I still serving the zoo?
I get to tell people to put out their cigarettes.
I get to tell people to stop throwing their balls around.
I get to party poop by telling them that helium balloons are not allowed.
I get to watch idiots think they know it all, laugh on the inside thinking how much I used to be like them.
I get discounts.
I get to see the animals more often than I normally would.
I made friends with my batch mates, we share our problems and support each other.
I really like owning the outfit, especially the jacket and refuse to return it.
I know what is happening with the animals in the zoo, and it is always a little bit exciting when a baby is due.

I want to make sure that kids like the younger me don't ever give up on their dreams and hope they are more successful than I am.

Good enough? Sure, I can do this once a week. Now I get to choose how I feel about zoo stuff - platonic.