Had a casual meet up with fellow zoo volunteers yesterday and it was rather eye opening. It did bring up a major thought in my head: people are doing things that they don't like to do but they don't have a choice but to do it. Is life really that way? They also bring up the fact that they are trying to find happiness in their own little ways despite how they don't like having their current job/life with that job. There I was sitting in the corner feeling dumbfounded as I do not feel one bit like them at all.

As a matter of fact, I felt completely opposite of what they were trying to share. I felt as though I am happy with whatever I have in my life so far. Even though I may not have everything I want, or I have certain complaints here and there. But in general, this is what I rather have and would be happy doing for a couple of years down the road. No future thoughts about me leaving this field and searching for something else that I would rather do instead. THIS is what I want to do. I got there.. haven't I?

I say that, but of course there are other things that I need to think about that bothers me a lot. If only money wasn't the issue in everybody's life. Would that not make things a tad bit easier? I feel like I am only bothered when people bring up their problems to surface and make me go; "OH? Why do I not share their feelings? Why are they agreeing/complaining about those things? Should I be living my life like them?"

I need to take a step back.

They went: I am happy where I am now, but I don't want to continue doing this for a long time. I want to find something else, something for myself. But this job pays for what I am good at, so I am going to hang around for awhile.

That sounds just about like everybody, doesn't it?

I am very confused.

Is it because I am lucky?
I would not think so because I had to work my way to get to where I am. Sure this job is not secure in a long term. But I can live with what I currently have.

.. right?

Recurring dreams:

Chewing gum stuck in my teeth. Literally needs endless digging to remove them..

Failing at math test or unable to solve a math problem in a class environment.

Oh dear lord.
I have also started to write in a diary again.

I don't think I should ever apologize for being myself.

I may feel bad for the things that I do or say sometimes, but it doesn't mean it's indefinite or I will never learn from that.

I have come a long way from learning about who I really am and what I want to become.

I am getting there. I have taken my first couple of steps into the door. I think I am liking it here.

So if you think I should live my life otherwise, you can shove that up your own ass. Cause I don't have the time to think about your petty negative thoughts about me.

I have a cat who gives me cuddles during the day even when she doesn't really feel comfortable. She would still stay with me even when she knows she won't be getting a proper nap. If that isn't love, I don't know what else is.

Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to me.
Goodbye to the past.

Hello Harriet ❤

Hello bloggie,

Bue-lo-jji. I'd like to call you that. Haha. Poor you, an inanimate object and I am butchering you. Oops.

I'm sitting outside of Cotton On in DFO South Wharf right now. I just had a moment of realization where I have been shopping to make myself feel better. It seems like I couldn't do other stuff to make me feel better and it's just shopping that I can do now. That's not even it. I shouldn't even be spending my money that I am not earning. Sigh. But what else can I do?

I realise I have been going around hunting for cheap things or good bargains and I would feel the need to purchase them. I create a reason to buy them, even though in reality I don't need them.

I couldn't eat good food like how I used to. I couldn't travel out to places I like to relieve myself. I could feel like there is an urge in me that I needed to break out and just do something I really love.

Shopping therapy is only temporary, but almost instant. I got bored of the food around cbd and the thought of spending all the money on eating them by myself just makes me feel depressed. There's nowhere to go on my own now, no time for me to escape from routine and try something new. I can't cook good homemade food either. What more, I can't quite find comfort from Jinwei when I need. I'd come home feeling absolutely drained and during the weekends, he has got his own plans. What am I to do when I am home alone during the weekends?

This is, though just one month worth of work placement. Especially after yesterday I am just drained and I still can't get anything I need that would satisfy me.

So right now, I am sitting outside of Cotton On. They've got a sale going on in there now, all ladies wear $10 and under. I only found one dress for $5 that I can't wear until middle of September. I can't quite explain why I am feeling like this. But I am feeling really bummed.

Now I gotta walk back to the tram stop, take two trams, and walk home. That's gonna a take about an hour to do.

:/

Casual conversation with someone, I start sharing my deepest concern about my life, they respond as if they have a solution to my life problems. Why is it that their interpretation seems so far off from what I am trying to share with them?

Are they even paying attention to what I am saying?

Are they just busy trying giving me solutions based on how they are living their life?

I admit I do that too. So is this how people have conversations? Just blab and not listening?

But I love listening to people and get excited when we happen to share a similarity somewhere. But of course I am not always right about my guesses.

It always feels as if they are judging my every word. Or that I am just wrong or not as well to do than they are.

Why can't I just be happy about who I am and what I am doing?

:(

Nope. It's not always about me, it is always about them.