No matter how angry you get, no matter how sad you are, no matter how suicidal a person is, it still depends on what that person is thinking at that particular time. If God allows, something else would happen and distract that thought for abit. All is required was an external source, somebody who shows that it doesnt matter whether they know you personally or not, that fact that somebody cares, mean the world to that someone who needs it.

I consider myself suicidal. One would say that I am doing so is because I am being an attention seeking whore. Maybe. My aunt did tell me off when I was younger, saying that I always find something about myself that makes people pity me. I, am not disagreeing with her. Besides, there should be a reason why she said that. Yet, there should also be a reason why I behave likewise too.

I never figure out the true purpose of me being alive in the first place. Somehow, it felt like it was an accident that I exist, and that my existence has caused nothing but trouble. No, I am not putting the blame on anyway, it's just a truthful thought I have at the moment.

Just like everyone else, there are things that I fear deeply. Some that are just too obvious, while others just slips through my random speech of all sorts. Today, it's just another mundane expression that I am literally killing myself with. Why can't I just be happy?

Why can't I accept things the way it is and stop with all those unnecessary negativity?

Why?

...

As I was waiting at the bus stop, I had thought that the next bus would only come in another 45 minutes. Luck was on my side, a bus appeared just a few minutes after I arrived at the bus stop. Stepping into the bus, just like how every other day, I searched for a place where I felt like sitting today. As I sat, a granny beside me seemed to be in distress and said, 'where are you taking me?' in a soft and weak voice of hers.

Figured that the bus driver couldn't hear her, I helped her by telling the bus driver to stop at the next bus stop. The granny seemed like she had problems getting up from her seat. Nobody else in the bus seemed like they wanted to help her. I even caught a glance of an asian girl giving that somewhat disgusted look on her face when I helped the granny get up. I wish I knew why, but I was busy helping granny to get off the bus.

My plan to camp in the library was halted. This granny gave me that worrying sense, where it made me feel like I should accompany her until she gets to the place she intended to go to. She had difficulties walking, she was shivering, her movements were all weak. It was a worrying sight for me. As we got off the bus, the first thing that came to my mind, 'is there anyone I could call to pick her up or something?'. I asked granny, her answer was, 'i have nobody'.

Thinking that it would probably make her cry, I decided not to ask further but to accompany her home. As we were walking, she constantly stopped to look around, admiring the buildings and the pretty houses along the way. How long has she not been out here? I was carrying her bag of meat and her handbag on one hand while holding her hand on the other. She was weak, and she needed support. Her every move was so fragile, it scared me that if she fell, I would probably crush her with my weight. Granny said she was from Germany. Granny was also adorable, telling me that it would be easier to walk if we were to walk with the same foot out first. She kept asking me to leave her, but I couldn't.

Half an hour into walking, her knee was aching, she could no longer walk any further. I didn't knoe what to do, thank goodness there was a short stumpy fence that was suitable for her to sit. As I asked her to sit, she seemed to have difficulties sitting down too. She even said that she is afraid that she might not be able to get up afterwards. Once she was nicely seated, I stood by the roadside, trying to flag down a passersby car, hoping some kind person would stop by to help drive this granny home. Thank goodness this lady turned around. I immediately told her about the situation, and she agreed to help. The fact that she turned around, it already told me that she was willing to help.

Her house was quite a distance from the bus stop. I have no idea how she got herself there in the first place. Seemingly somebody has dropped her off or something. Granny could hardly speak too. Granny is 86. Granny reminded me of my own granny who passed away end of last year. Anyhow, thank goodness for that kind lady, granny should be able to reach home safely. :)

...

Yeap. They are both unrelated. But what happened after the granny incident was the cause of the initial essay of texts. Not feeling like I should mention it here, but hopefully this is sufficient enough to remind me of it.

Whatever it is, if there was any given chance, one should always take an opportunity to do whatever that is necessary at that point of time. You will never know how much it really means to that someone, whom you have no clue, needing it badly.

What about me?

I have this bad habit of observing people and judging them at that instant after I was done observing. I am pretty sure I am not the only one doing this, but to some people, it is rather hypocritic.

In a way, I somehow find myself learning more about myself by doing the above. I would always compare whatever I am seeing, with who I am. At one point of time where I started to think: if people use, 'don't judge a book by its cover', then why does first impression matters the most? I am very sure I have written about this a few months ago, but that thought eventually came back and question me.

Is it a bad thing that I am judging people so much?

Maybe. But it's not like I am trying to bring down the observed's reputation or anything. It was more for my own benefit. Probably the reason to why I complain like there is no tomorrow. Yes, I may be talking about their negative sides, simply because this was what attracted me most; I didnt want to be seen like that. But I can't help it that I get jealous about them. Fact that they can do anything they want, without bothering so much about what people think of them, makes me really envious. I wanted that freedom too.

Complaints. Seems clearer to me in a way.

I know where I fall back when amongst society. But I never dared voicing out what my thoughts truly were. That fear where I would actually lose every single thing I had, or that people would think of me otherwise, it scares me. But why do I have to be so scared? Why? I don't know.

I may complain, but it is definitely not me doing the talking, it was the jealous me talking. I am never confident with what I say. I can never do a proper presentation, eventhough I knew my substance well. Stage fright? Probably more of: what are these people thinking about me? I am literally their centre of attention then, judgement is bound to happen.

I always ask people, what do you think of me? I never knew if they were telling the truth or otherwise. Only true friends could tell if it was right or wrong.

Then comes the thought: everybody is different in their own way, people will learn to accept who you are as you are.

Okay...

Am I doing too much unnecessary thinking?

One feels empowered when amongst familiar people, people who knew us.

Is that true?

:/

Sorry.

Was watching a gameplay of TF2, while the video person went on and on about his life, being a procrastinator, a massive procrastinator.

It wasn't until the video ended that I found it bizarre. LMAO.
Funny thing was that I actually heard every single thing he had to say, while I was watching the gameplay, when it is totally irrelevant at all.

We normally listen to the commentator, telling us a brief story about the particular episode or movie, it matches. It normally gives a mental thought about how the story would turn out.

But THIS?!

HAHAHAHA. I find it weird.

I do watch other gameplay about how they video person comments about the game, bring us on a tour about the map and all.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I don't know how to react to what just happened. omg.

It's the last week of Uni!
No doubt, I am actually excited with the fact that uni is ending. 3 horrific months of strenous studying, cleaning and everything else. I only remember that I was having super problematic troubles with my assignments. Those were my only troubled times with uni. Everything else, was pleasant.

Almost.

This semester, I had 2 times of 3 hours lab sessions. Three hours worth of play and no homework or studies. Oh, such joy. Though I have complained to myself silently through the whole 6 hours of the week, I would stil have to say that I enjoyed it. HEHE. Hypocritic bitch, I know. I AM SORRY! :(

Love the fact that my mondays and fridays have got only 2 hours of lectures. I am allowed to wake up late on mondays, and I had made a terrible habit for skipping fridays' lectures just so I could spend the rest of the day studyin in the library. Skipping lectures is probably one of the dumbest decision to do this sem. Though I could easily catch up using the online recoded lectures, but when I stop to calculate how much each session cost me, I think I would rather suicide. Still finding the cost of my course ridiculously expensive. :/

So what do I do now?
With the fact that my cost is still ridiculously expensive, should I just continue studying here in Monash, where I have learned to adapt myself to? Or should I transfer over to somewhere cheaper then I wouldn't feel as guilty as I am now?

Arguement 1:
I have pretty much settled the courses for my three years to graduate under a major in Zoology and Genetics here in Monash. Side note: it would cost me about 100 thousand (no clue what is it called in words... one mil? shyitttttttt). Once I graduate, then I could find a proper paying job, to earn back that money, to relieve that guilt I have built up for 3 years long.

Would learning to adapt into a new place, distract me even further? WAIT! Is my results even good enough to be transferred to elsewhere cheaper? Hrmmmm. Questions Questions.

Arguement 2:
If I were to transfer, I am still having UTas in my mind. Probably because I have yet to see for my own eyes what is it like living in Tassie, it questions me. Plus the fact that it is HALF the price of Monash, it really is tempting. Side effect to that would be that I have to readapt to the new environment, plan my subjects and courses all over again (they would most probably have different courses and directions in the road to graduation). Also, it is much much much colder there too.

So, what do I do?

My head is definitely leaning towards the first option; staying here in Monash and study until I graduate, then earn the money to pay back that guilt.

Sometimes I wish I was much smarter, so that I could get scholarship and not worry about money at all. Imagine if I had scholarship, I wouldn't have to worry about spending too much on food or anything, simply because my education is taken care of. But nope, I don't have the brains. And so I have to be the slave to my own guilt.

Anyhow. I do enjoy myself here in Monash. I managed to have a few people whom I can call friends now. Took me so much tears to get to where I am today (silly with the tears, I know, but DUDE! my scumbag brain did it to me :/ ). Though I may spend most of the time alone, I got used to it, and I actually do enjoy being alone now. HEHE. The coldness is still not my friend though, probably one of my biggest enemy, EVER. pfffffffftttttttttttt.

Heading home in a month's time. EXTREME EXCITEMENT!
Even if people won't come to me, I swear I will waste some petrol, go knock on their door, and say : HI! I AM BACK. I AM HERE IN YOUR FACE TO TELL YOU, I STILL REMEMBER YOU. THANK YOU FOR NOT FINDING TIME TO SEE ME. BYEBYE! Then I would proceed in driving off with my little bright yellow car named SUNNY, beaming into your face, making you remember that moment forever.

I am a bitch like that.
Problem?

Well. If you get it, you pretty much deserve it.
Yeap, I don't care anymore. Makes me much happier now that I can tell the difference.

;)

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