Unemployed
But content.

I feel like I have everything I could possibly want.

Anything more would feel greedy.

My SNSD list

I feel like I need to keep one of these somewhere. Since my blog has been surviving so much of my days, I strongly believe this will be a good place to keep it :D

SO!

It has been very long since I last rambled about SNSD in my life as a whole. I remember I was in Sydney managing a team of 20 for Melbourne Uni Ultimate Frisbee AUGs. I was there sitting in front of the van with Jinwei by my side and I could not contain how upset I was when I found out there was a controversy with Jessica leaving SNSD. Being the girl who has loved SNSD from the very beginning, it was very hard to accept that SNSD was no longer a 9 girl group.

Fast forward 10 months, I still could not accept the fact that SNSD is now a 8 girl group. Their single 'Catch Me If You Can' made me want to cry a heaps load, especially when I discovered one with Jessica in it. 'Party' was a brand new start for SNSD as a 8 girl group. I wasn't quite pulled by the idea of 8 still. But I know a whole part of me still loves SNSD for whoever they are. I will always love Jessica, feel sad with thoughts like 'ah, if Jessica was here'. There's still 8 other members who I have love..

I remember my favourites from when I first started with SNSD
SooYoung
Yuri
Yoona
Sunny
^one by one through the year. I fell in love with Sunny when she was a member of chon chun bul pae (Invicible Youth - I had to wiki this because I couldn't remember the english name LOL)
Then TTS came out, I moved from SeoHyun to Tiffany to now, TaeYeon.

Kid Leadar! <3

AND THEN..

the purpose of this blogpost for myself
What albums of SNSD do I actually have?

k- Into The New World
k- Girls' Generation
k- Gee (I LOST THIS ONE)
k- Tell Me Your Wish
k- Run Devil Run
k- Hoot
k- The First Asia Tour: Into The New World
k- The Boys
j- Girls' Generation
k- Twinkle (TTS)
k- I Got a Boy
k- Mr. Mr.

Need to buy:
j- Girls' & Peace
j- Love & Peace
k- Holler (TTS)
k- LION HEART

Lion Heart reminded me why I loved SNSD in the first place. :)

It is difficult to live a life not knowing HOW.

Right or wrong, nobody knows.

The only thing to know is the feeling that you get after doing that particular thing. Say if you feel good about it, then I suppose it should be right. But if it feels bad, does it really mean is wrong though?

Winter really is a horrible season. Everything about it makes me feel negative. My body functions differently and I could not push myself as hard as I'd like to. Then I get confused on whether I am making excuses to not push any harder, or if I really am finding it difficult to perform at my peak.

I don't think it's a question I have an answer to.

Life is rather confusing. I think I need a therapist.

As much as I have lost, I have gained so much more than what I have actually lost.

I gained companion.

I gained deserving love.

I gained honesty.

I gained respect.

I gained self respect and confidence.

I gained knowledge about myself.

Life changed so much in such a short amount of time. It's amazing how every spectrum shifted; familiar became unknown, undiscovered becomes reality.

I am not the same person as I am just within a year. But if you stood by and watched me grow, you would have loved me even more. I know I am capable of so much more, I just needed that time, space and love (support) to grow.

But you're 20 now, that's what adulthood does to you; no acknowledgement, torture and pain. You just need to dig inside of you hard enough to find that piece of inner peace and blossom from there. Love grows if you allow it to. Love, is peace.

Every now and then I question what I eat and what I have become out of my diet. Not much, other than I am losing weight by the day. Is it possible to lose more now? The day when I hit 50kg was a glorious day, it made me really happy and everyone around me who noticed the change was happy too..? No. They told me I needed to eat more, gain a little bit more weight and I would be perfect! But why perfect?

I lost appetite almost immediately. I knew I didn't intend to gain weight, it was the culture difference and the excitement of new food that got me eating almost anything that was placed in front of me. First year in a different country, that was the change and everything was exciting.  Whether the food was bad, I wouldn't have known because I just wanted to try EVERYTHING!

But what happened?
I think university and life happened. Everything was going into a autopilot now. I knew what was good and what wasn't good for my palate. I also discovered that good food costs double of what mundane food would cost. Alternative was cooking and that was time consuming. So, I started eating less food, more 'junk' food if you must say. But food in general doesn't interest me as much as it used to.

You know what's worst? Nobody could ever stop talking about how skinny I am! Imagine meeting somebody and the first thing they mention is your body figure. Flattering, but you know it doesn't end well; 'you need to eat more', 'why are you eating', 'no money to buy food?'.

*why is it that I am so bothered by what people have to say about me? I don't know, maybe you can tell me why would you actually ask that kind of question, ey?*

Though present day, I do cook more often. But my interest in food is sort of the reason why I am refusing to eat most of the time. I really want to eat something good, but the money I have to pay for it doesn't quite justify the value. Current mentality is that: if its not worth the money, don't spend it, don't eat it. I try to remind myself that I need to eat, but I just don't know how!

In case you're wondering if I am worried about my weight at all, I am. I am worried that I am way below the recommended BMI that somewhere in my body, its weakening some functions. If you think that I am losing weight because I think I am fat, I am not. I just don't know how to make myself eat food normally.

It really is a struggle.

I am not proud being skinny, but I have definitely accepted that I have this body. Some people make remarks of jealousy saying, 'unlike you, you don't ever have to worry about getting fat! The moment I eat this and I'd explode into a pumpkin'.

Sigh. You don't know my pains. But I'll let you have your moment of self pity.