I wish the Happy things affect me as well as Sad things do. It's ridiculous how the sad things affect me so much that I could just stop functioning immediately, this feeling then swallows me whole and stay with me for as long as it likes.

and Happiness only stays for awhile.

Happiness is more like a friend of mine, she doesn't stay, she only comes around and say hello and then disappears again.

Sadness is like my life, she stays by me like my shadow, she stares down into my soul and remind me of how much of a failure I am, she tells me that I don't deserve to be happy.

Happiness will come by once in awhile to give me a glimmer of hope and light, that not all my hours will be filled with Sadness. Happiness tells me that Sadness may stay by my side all the time, but it doesn't mean I have to feed it.

I think that if Happiness doesn't come by as often, I might think the world is a horrible place.

Sometimes I feel sad that Sadness is always with me instead of Happiness.
I question why Happiness doesn't stay..

If I was 5, I might say that Happiness is busy sharing her beautiful soul with everyone else in the world for they too need a glimmer of hope in light in their life too.

But I am 22, I'd like to believe that my Happy spirit is going around sprinkling her happy glow onto others while she's away while Sadness just grew on her own to be a miserable shadow.. huh

I feel very attracted to Sadness, I feel compassionate for Sadness.. I wish I could have Happiness around to cheer her up, to elevate her from all the gloom that she has swelled upon.

Unemployed
But content.

I feel like I have everything I could possibly want.

Anything more would feel greedy.

My SNSD list

I feel like I need to keep one of these somewhere. Since my blog has been surviving so much of my days, I strongly believe this will be a good place to keep it :D

SO!

It has been very long since I last rambled about SNSD in my life as a whole. I remember I was in Sydney managing a team of 20 for Melbourne Uni Ultimate Frisbee AUGs. I was there sitting in front of the van with Jinwei by my side and I could not contain how upset I was when I found out there was a controversy with Jessica leaving SNSD. Being the girl who has loved SNSD from the very beginning, it was very hard to accept that SNSD was no longer a 9 girl group.

Fast forward 10 months, I still could not accept the fact that SNSD is now a 8 girl group. Their single 'Catch Me If You Can' made me want to cry a heaps load, especially when I discovered one with Jessica in it. 'Party' was a brand new start for SNSD as a 8 girl group. I wasn't quite pulled by the idea of 8 still. But I know a whole part of me still loves SNSD for whoever they are. I will always love Jessica, feel sad with thoughts like 'ah, if Jessica was here'. There's still 8 other members who I have love..

I remember my favourites from when I first started with SNSD
SooYoung
Yuri
Yoona
Sunny
^one by one through the year. I fell in love with Sunny when she was a member of chon chun bul pae (Invicible Youth - I had to wiki this because I couldn't remember the english name LOL)
Then TTS came out, I moved from SeoHyun to Tiffany to now, TaeYeon.

Kid Leadar! <3

AND THEN..

the purpose of this blogpost for myself
What albums of SNSD do I actually have?

k- Into The New World
k- Girls' Generation
k- Gee (I LOST THIS ONE)
k- Tell Me Your Wish
k- Run Devil Run
k- Hoot
k- The First Asia Tour: Into The New World
k- The Boys
j- Girls' Generation
k- Twinkle (TTS)
k- I Got a Boy
k- Mr. Mr.

Need to buy:
j- Girls' & Peace
j- Love & Peace
k- Holler (TTS)
k- LION HEART

Lion Heart reminded me why I loved SNSD in the first place. :)

It is difficult to live a life not knowing HOW.

Right or wrong, nobody knows.

The only thing to know is the feeling that you get after doing that particular thing. Say if you feel good about it, then I suppose it should be right. But if it feels bad, does it really mean is wrong though?

Winter really is a horrible season. Everything about it makes me feel negative. My body functions differently and I could not push myself as hard as I'd like to. Then I get confused on whether I am making excuses to not push any harder, or if I really am finding it difficult to perform at my peak.

I don't think it's a question I have an answer to.

Life is rather confusing. I think I need a therapist.

As much as I have lost, I have gained so much more than what I have actually lost.

I gained companion.

I gained deserving love.

I gained honesty.

I gained respect.

I gained self respect and confidence.

I gained knowledge about myself.

Life changed so much in such a short amount of time. It's amazing how every spectrum shifted; familiar became unknown, undiscovered becomes reality.

I am not the same person as I am just within a year. But if you stood by and watched me grow, you would have loved me even more. I know I am capable of so much more, I just needed that time, space and love (support) to grow.

But you're 20 now, that's what adulthood does to you; no acknowledgement, torture and pain. You just need to dig inside of you hard enough to find that piece of inner peace and blossom from there. Love grows if you allow it to. Love, is peace.