I feel like I have lost control of my own life.

Thank goodness I haven't done anything insane or detrimental to my own wellbeing..
Fuck.

I have problems with eating.  Maybe it's eating disorder. But nobody can help me? I mean. I don't think anybody would understand why I am the way I am.

Here's one example.
Jinwei knows I only eat food that I want to eat. He also knows I don't mind starving. He also understands  how this is making me physically weaker than I should be.

But I mean, I don't think there's anything he can do. Other than just making sure I don't die, right?

I can tell you now that I am just absolutely hungry. But I refuse to eat. I think that there's no food for me to eat. In reality, there's plenty of food downstairs for me to eat. They just aren't food I would feel happy eating.

That's a problem.

I would only eat if I know I will be happy eating it.

I absolutely hate eating by myself. Because of that, I would rather skip meals.

You can't tell me to simply 'eat more'. I can't explain how eating is a mental disorder for me.

Fact that my mom is constantly telling me to eat more and nag about how skinny I am doesn't make me feel any better. 

I feel like I have mentioned this before. It really is a problem.

When I was younger, my friend's parents would pity me and my aunt would get angry at me when they give me nice things and buy me nice dinner. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand why she would get angry, I didn't understand what I did wrong.

Tonight I thought about it.

Parents of my friends would feel bad that I don't have a normal family. That I am brought up by my aunt and her family, almost like a Cinderella kind of story. They feel bad for me when they find out that I don't see my mother often. My friends wouldn't know any different whether I had parents or not, they just saw me as who I was.

Maybe me aunt got angry because she feels embarrassed. Maybe inadequate to people's eyes that they have to buy nice things for me. Afraid that she was being judged for being the 'evil mother' who was forced to raise me up.

But I'd like to think that my aunt was just teaching me that I should be an independent woman. I didn't have to take peoples pity to get perks in life. I didn't need people to pity me to have friendships. I didn't need the approval of other people to be "normal".

Yet at the same time, it was pretty good to be getting all the love and attention from friend's family. I remember that I was constantly jealous of my friends' families and was secretly hoping they'll adopt me or something.

2.46am 26th March 2016

I am starting to think that I am crazy. In a place where I finally found people who are similar to me, I still feel isolated and lost.

Yes, they have the same enthusiasm about animals. But why do I feel like theirs aren't as genuine as mine?

Yes, they undeniably love animal as much as I do. But why do I feel like they are loving animals for the wrong reasons?

Yes, we may be working towards the same goal. But why do I feel like their purpose of reaching that goal is different from mine?

Am I reading a wrong book or is this something I have to go through before I actually find the real meaning to all of this?

I don't understand how this is even possible. Nothing makes any sense.

Is this not the place that I've always wanted to be in? Why is it unpleasant, why is it so difficult, why does everything feel so wrong? Have I been living a lie all this while?

Dreaming of hope and love.

He had CaptainSparkleZ' face sort of a mash with PewDiePie and had a name of Toby (Tobuscus). He also had motor neuron disease.

I was in her mind, but I had no control over what she was doing in my dream. She was stuck in this desert and she had a routine to do day in and out. People were disappearing day after day but she didn't realize it. But when she had her free time, she somehow found this boy and watched all his videos and fell in love. She managed to contact him and she was just so happy to be able to talk to him. Somehow he felt a stir in his heart that he wants to be there for her too. Through the days, they contacted each other through video and when she's off through her day, she could not keep her mind free of him.

My dream didn't show me how exactly they fell in love, but I could feel that sincerity and how deep the love they have for each other despite circumstances.

One day, she was all by herself at the facility.
(There were no signs about how these people disappeared, because they don't talk to one another)
She continues doing whatever she feels like doing as she used to.
(The facility on the desert is somewhat like being thrown into a space shuttle and people are meant to do research and experiments, she didn't know how she got there, she just woke up one day and she was there, she as one of the test subjects - unknowingly)
(Other test subjects were not allowed to speak to each other, but there were interactive things around - so the test subjects are running the experiments on those interactive things)
(She comes out from a building with a door that allows her to come out
_|×|_|=|_|∆|_ looks to her side and other doors didn't open)
(The facility is just one building on its own and there's just vast desert/empty land, but because there were interactive things available, it was understood that there wasn't a need to leave the facility, or somehow they were brainwashed to just stay at that area)

(This was how her day went)
She sat on the sand (under the scorching sun) for a couple of hours, looked at a distance where she could see a mountain, lush with trees. She thought about him and wondered about what she was feeling and if it was real. She believed that whatever she felt was real but there was nothing she could do but to keep up the (video)calls at night to have that feeling and it was growing.

(He knew what had happened to her, but he couldn't help her other than to keep her company. He couldn't understand what exactly it was that was trapping her there, hence he couldn't go out and seek help.. Or maybe he did? His physical disability made him feel depressed about life. But his calls and conversations with her made him feel different, an appreciation despite the physical block. Those conversations made each other feel alive.)

After that, she walked over to the interactive pen/area to only find about 5 blue frogs left. (There were initially other coloured frogs, and the subjects were supposed to carry out experiments with them) (there were also other stuff that were initially in that interactive area, but as time passed, the equipments either failed or died out, just like the test subjects) She was deciding if she was going to catch this frog and try something (she couldn't decide if it was worth the effort catching it because she already knew what the outcome was going to be). Then she sees a chicken-like animal (looks kinda like a dodo, but with very little hair - very little hair attached, looked like its ready for cooking, everything about this chicken is affected by the desert-like environment, there were about 3 of these around) that laid a egg with no shell that looked like hard boiled egg. She went to look at because she remembered it felt exciting (and it will probably always excite her) to see what happens with the egg. She watches the egg, she poked the egg and it revealed to be a soft boiled egg in the middle with a baby chicken-like animal was in there. She waited to see if the baby would move to show it's alive and she was also waiting for the mother to return to retrieve the baby.

But that took awhile, the mother never came back and was seen scuttling away and trying to look for a hiding place behind all the broken equipment. Then a shadow appeared, it was a woman that seemed very manly, someone she has never seen before. She looked up and this woman began speaking to her while handing her a small yellow colored pill: 'if its freedom you want, take this. Don't ever give up.'

She thought about how it would be like to be on the other side of this place, she thought about how there was no more hope left in this place. She wasn't feeling too sure about the pill, but she thought that it was worth a shot. She took the pill.

From then on, she could feel very woozy (about to pass out, but she's fighting to not let it take her out). Her body was very weak but she could still see things and sense things. (Assuming this was the same drug that knocked her out to bring her to this place, she probably remembered it deep down but not enough to make her feel terrified about it, but enough to remind her how to fight being knocked out by the pill - unconsciously). (Everything from here on is just woozy, imagine her trying to not sleep/knocked out by the drug, but still trying very hard to do whatevers coming up) She was lifted by that woman who gave her the pill, and was placed in a helicopter-like pod. And she flew.. (The pod was automated, like an ejaculated pod with no controls, she was flying into wherever and the pod could only go in one direction)

She flew towards the mountains and saw that she was about to crash, she remembered she had "a phone" in her pocket. She took it out and called him. It was probably a video, as she could see a glimpse of him and she smiled. She tried explaining what just happened to her (still very woozy, so her talking is really slow and her eyes are pretty much closed or only with a slit of window left). As she crashed, she saw there were people in that mountain chopping down trees and as the pod spun, the other side of the forest was charred (after fire). She muttered "I love you" as her landing ceased and she passed out right after.

The scene switch to a hospital area, where I floated out of her body and was looking around. I couldn't find her, but I was at the door when he came in with his mother holding on to him. I knew this was him. He has come to see her.

(Those people at the forest saw her pod and rushed to her aid)
(He and his family tried reaching out to every hospital they know before finding out that she was in this hospital, confirming before making their way there)

Because of his disability, his mother arranged where by he could be in a bed next to hers while she recovers.

I had to wake up, the beds were set up and I knew that she was in the safe hands of the doctors and he was going to be there for her when she wakes up.

I don't know. But my heart had little aches when I woke up thinking about this dream, and it also had little aches as I was typing this out. My only wish is that they live happily ever after, because they are together now and that's all that matters.

I still don't know what her name is. Or if she even has a name, or maybe Toby figured out who she really is and would tell her all about it after she wakes up. :)

It's a great love stort, I am glad I wrote it down. :) ❤

xxxxxxxxxxxxx edit xxxxxxxxxxxxx

So I shared my dream with Jinwei and he went silent. Apparently he was trying to decipher my dream for me and he couldn't quite put it all together. Good thing I got him telling me that he was thinking of that, because otherwise I wouldn't have figured it out on my own!

SO!

I figured out that Toby was in fact Jinwei and his mother was helping him through his life at the moment, because he is unemployed and his mom has been trying to help through encouragement and support in getting a job.

The frogs probably represents the cats at RSPCA, that they would be fine if I didn't do anything to them because I know other volunteers and staff were doing a good job and no matter what happens, the cats will be okay.

The chicken represents my zoo life. It is probably a bit discreet to share. But if you're free enough to think carefully about it, you might understand. 

That muscly woman is someone who I hope would offer me a job - the pill, and that would elevate my life. 

It does seem like by the end of the day, if Jinwei is by my side it would just make me feel better.