I witnessed my first euthanasia today.

I was supposed to be the one holding the cat for its euth, but it was reacting badly to the shaver, my senior stepped in. It wasn't a smooth one, but at least now I know what could have gone wrong and not feel terrible when it does go wrong.

That euthanising liquid is essentially a high concentration of anaesthesia. It is easily accessible, that's why you get so many vets committing suicide.

I don't know if I would do it again. I didn't have the time to process the thought. I just went straight back to work.

I figured today would have been the best time to learn this because everything seemed pretty aligned for me today: me exhausted, me having no emotions whatsoever because of exhaustion, me needing to push on for one more day, vet student seemed interested in learning too (I wasn't learning this by myself, it was relieving), vet seems very nice and patient to teach today, senior was around to teach me. It was now or never, so I jumped at it.

Now I am still too exhausted to think about how it made me feel. I only knew I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything.

It happened quickly.

Quick enough for me to not build any emotions, more of intrigued and part shocked at the same time.

It's for the best.

Fast forward a couple of months:

BauHaus Reserves 1
Seasonal Part Time Animal Attendant

I pretty much worked and played frisbee all summer. Now it's all gone. I don't think I actually had a good memorable summer this time. Which is kind of sad since summer is that one season I look forward to all the time. I used to get season depression where I tend to be a bit reserved as the months grow colder. BUT look at me now, I did not enjoy or have fun this summer at all. :(

I am also growing up as an adult now, and I absolutely hate every single bit about it. Every single thing. I now hate life in general and people even more than I used to.

Work tires me physically, mentally and emotionally. Frisbee is mentally frustrating.

WELL, I am just ranting about how my Summer went by without any good memories. Yes. This sucks. Adulthood sucks.

Haven't been working for about three months now, feeling all sorts of feeling at the moment.

I do feel like there is nothing left for me to do as I have already achieved whatever I really want to achieve. Maybe because I don't aim for a lot or that I want to be the best at what I do. I am okay being average. I just need to find something that I truly connect and find my self worth doing.

I do feel like there is more out there about myself to be discovered. So much interest, but which one do I want to make a reality that would help pay to feed my own mouth.

Painting my own nails have been very entertaining. It keeps me occupied for about 4 to 5 hours in a day, which is quite a large chunk of time. I get very satisfied with my effort too! The sparkles and the glitter that would last me a couple of days, a week if I am lucky. The excitement of trying something new after the current one falls off, keeps me excited, keeps me going, keeps me exploring.

That's not a job that would feed my mouth though. I still need to practice a lot too. Hrmm..

What to do, what to do.

Standing at the entrance of Topshop, $30 $20 50% 70% signs all over, I can't help but to feel absolutely poor.

What is this sorcery that is happening before my eyes?

Clothes that are not of any purpose but purely fashion. I then caught myself googling "Fashion thoughts" and found "Fashion as a form of art". That got me thinking even more.

Deep deep thoughts.

Sure I am attracted to this form of art, but I can not justify how this form of art is worth my money. Fashionable clothes that doesn't serve it's purpose for the cold weather or even comfort, just things you put on your body.

brb.

Harriet is currently sitting on my lap and my laptop is sitting on my shin as my legs are outstretched in front of me. I am trying to finish watching 'Going Clear: Scientology and The Prison of Belief' but it keeps buffering from time to time, which makes it annoying as I can't really concentrate on what is actually going on. Bae's brother is configuring his newly bought tv in front of me while Bae just switched from playing Overwatch to Rocket League. I hate using the word Bae, but I guess that's an easier word to tell you that it is him. I am of course hunched back, leaning forward to type this.

I really am just wasting time waiting for that documentary to load. It's a good documentary. For the life of me, I feel like I am always getting the short end of the internet in this house somehow. It doesn't work for my phone and now it's slow on my laptop too. I do not know what is up. I only know I am annoyed.

The zoo is hiring a new set of volunteers for the coming summer. Looking back, I was absolutely thrilled to get this 'highly coveted' position. Well I mean, it was after all a step into a potential industry I would be interested in working. Not now of course. Too much ugly truth that didn't allow any light moments to overcome them. I really shouldn't be saying this, but I am not exactly writing to condemn the zoo or anything. It's just me and my opinions do not matter.

Okay.