What am I supposed to do?

When the heart says go, and the mind says no. It's silly how tiny trivial matters that requires decisions, make me go literally insane from time to time. I personally find that it really is unnecessary to overthink things. But at the same time, I couldn't help myself from thinking each matter thoroughly. I would have to admit that most of the time, those hours and pain taken to think them through, would almost never match up with the effect of how perfect that decision would turn out. Which is absolutely dumb. Because that much of an effort has been placed into these, I end up losing focus on other things that requires much more attention than the one I had given priority to.

It came to a point where it felt that those effort I put in, doesn't feel worth anything at all. It inhibited me from thinking normally, feeling absolutely frustrated about it, and find it completely difficult to accept what others had to say regarding the issue. Maybe this is what one would consider, 'blinded'. Knowing that I should be open minded, where it would allow me to accept the view and opinion of others that could most definitely lessen my burden on those unnecessary thoughts, it just makes me feel at a worse state than I already was.

This cloud that I have gathered around me, made me stubborn and selfish at times. A mind that is literally clogged up, where I couldn't just find an escape or where I was headed to. When a problem comes to me, I would have a look at it, then picture what would happen if that one decision was made just exactly then. People would say that I am jumping into conclusions a little too quickly. There is nothing within me, that is disagreeing with that statement, either. Most of the time, I would create an image in my mind, that things would turn out in the most negative way possible. In my defense, it would be a complete miracle if things had turn out in the most delightful and fruitful manner.

Disappointments, they break my heart into a million pieces. Sometimes, they could break ME into something that would just curl in bed, as though my body had lost all it's support system. When that happens, my mind just stops functioning altogether, rejecting everything that would come across my mind. I have to admit, that this side of me, could literally kill me someday. Adding salt to that, I recently realised that I have built a completely different world for myself to live in, Rainbowton. It is when I stop to think about this little world I have, I begin to feel calm again, before returning back to reality to face one problem at a time.

Sometimes, I would blame myself for causing myself so much problems that would seem nonexistent to others. Mentioning them, or sharing these problems with others felt as though I am complaining about my own problems that I have brought upon myself. No clue why I feel so, but it got me trying my hardest to stop complaining whenever I can. Even when I have no pure evil intentions when all I wanted was to vent my anger and frustrations, it felt like the other person deserves some peace for their own because they have their own problems to handle on their own too. Other times, it felt like they probably wouldnt understand how I truly feel as I vent my emotions at them. Then again, I wouldn't want to push it.

There is nothing about this that I like having in myself. There are times where I feel like my mind is speaking louder than my own voice, or that I am speaking without even realising it.

LOL.
Sorry, it got a little too deep. Hehe.

Meeting new people, is always good. You are exposed to more life stories and you learn from what tell you. Somewhat of an eye opening experience, an addition to an amazing life ahead. Best times, would be when you find things and topics that you both could agree on, you get fascinated to the unknown side of this newly acquainted person. Something new, something fresh from what you already have.

Along the way, you lose out on known people too. We normally make a big fuss when our 'good friends' are being distanced from us. Who do we blame for this misery that we both go through? Adding salt to open wounds when they used to be the one patching it up for you. What happened? Neither one of you could give a solid answer. Egos skyrocket, neither is willing to put their guards down. Where will this lead to?

Distance can pull relationships tighter. But when you have a pulling force, you will also have the pushing force; loosened ties. Time, plays an important culprit in this matter too.

Today, I don't know where exactly I stand on that tier of friendship. Things I have refused to acknowledge; tearing friendships due to distance and lack of time spent together. It was almost impossible to keep everything the way it is, just as it is before I left. Every trip coming back home, feels like I have skipped a whole lot of together-times with friends. The times when I am home, made it felt like there is no way I could replace those lost times. People are still around, but it just felt different. Sometimes, it feels like I am living a completely different life altogether.

Best friends, are friends whom I know for sure who will be there by me, through the thick and thins, knows about my life in the foreign land, while keeping me updated about their lives back in the homeland. It is them, who I feel like I owe my life to (literally), that feeling of being somewhere, secure with. Not alone, like I am some complete stranger. Friends who would find me out of the blue, randomly asking me how I was, and would end up chatting away with whatever that came to our minds. Frustrations, happiness, anxiousness could be felt by the delay of time.

Everybody has got their own lives to live. More often of times, where things that meant miniscule scales would just disappear into nothing. Maybe I am the silly one who is just sitting there, browsing through my Facebook friends list and ponder upon how I used to know them, and how we just don't talk anymore. It also brought up the thought of how many of them are still friends or just a matter of the past. Where is this line between friendship and acquaintance, what draws that line between acquaintances and strangers. What is the differences between friends and best friends?

Til I figure it out, browsing through my Facebook friends list and homepage, day in and day out, questioning myself.. Til I fall out of reality..