What am I supposed to do?

When the heart says go, and the mind says no. It's silly how tiny trivial matters that requires decisions, make me go literally insane from time to time. I personally find that it really is unnecessary to overthink things. But at the same time, I couldn't help myself from thinking each matter thoroughly. I would have to admit that most of the time, those hours and pain taken to think them through, would almost never match up with the effect of how perfect that decision would turn out. Which is absolutely dumb. Because that much of an effort has been placed into these, I end up losing focus on other things that requires much more attention than the one I had given priority to.

It came to a point where it felt that those effort I put in, doesn't feel worth anything at all. It inhibited me from thinking normally, feeling absolutely frustrated about it, and find it completely difficult to accept what others had to say regarding the issue. Maybe this is what one would consider, 'blinded'. Knowing that I should be open minded, where it would allow me to accept the view and opinion of others that could most definitely lessen my burden on those unnecessary thoughts, it just makes me feel at a worse state than I already was.

This cloud that I have gathered around me, made me stubborn and selfish at times. A mind that is literally clogged up, where I couldn't just find an escape or where I was headed to. When a problem comes to me, I would have a look at it, then picture what would happen if that one decision was made just exactly then. People would say that I am jumping into conclusions a little too quickly. There is nothing within me, that is disagreeing with that statement, either. Most of the time, I would create an image in my mind, that things would turn out in the most negative way possible. In my defense, it would be a complete miracle if things had turn out in the most delightful and fruitful manner.

Disappointments, they break my heart into a million pieces. Sometimes, they could break ME into something that would just curl in bed, as though my body had lost all it's support system. When that happens, my mind just stops functioning altogether, rejecting everything that would come across my mind. I have to admit, that this side of me, could literally kill me someday. Adding salt to that, I recently realised that I have built a completely different world for myself to live in, Rainbowton. It is when I stop to think about this little world I have, I begin to feel calm again, before returning back to reality to face one problem at a time.

Sometimes, I would blame myself for causing myself so much problems that would seem nonexistent to others. Mentioning them, or sharing these problems with others felt as though I am complaining about my own problems that I have brought upon myself. No clue why I feel so, but it got me trying my hardest to stop complaining whenever I can. Even when I have no pure evil intentions when all I wanted was to vent my anger and frustrations, it felt like the other person deserves some peace for their own because they have their own problems to handle on their own too. Other times, it felt like they probably wouldnt understand how I truly feel as I vent my emotions at them. Then again, I wouldn't want to push it.

There is nothing about this that I like having in myself. There are times where I feel like my mind is speaking louder than my own voice, or that I am speaking without even realising it.

LOL.
Sorry, it got a little too deep. Hehe.