See the problem with being me, is that I overthink and overlook everything, ensuring that I have every corner of the problem covered. Sometimes I wonder why on Earth would I bother getting myself into such trouble, when this could be easily done by other people, who could even possibly do a better job at it than I would. Sometimes I wonder where this mental moment come from. It just seems ridiculous as heck. Especially when I used to spend my time talking to myself through this blog to express my own thoughts. But now I just can't seem to do that anymore. Sharing my thoughts specifically on that particular something seems somewhat forbidden and it would cause alot of chaos if ever speak a word of it. Then of course, that just adds to my mental bottle.
Even right now, there is just so much stuff going through my head, I am just not sure where I should start. If I do voice out my concerns and weak thoughts, it could possibly portray that I am weak in my own level of organisation and decision making. If I do somehow let that go, and people latch on that instantly, I would most probably die and be stuck for a moment until I get over that fact that my weakness has been exposed. Then of course, if that weakness is seen, it can't be unseen, and people expect an improvement out of that and would be disappointed if you somehow choose to linger around that loser pool.
I am a fool to be alive.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
We pick people to hate. Even when it's an innocent person walking by you minding their own business, we can't help but to have a thought or two for ourselves. Often, those thoughts would be negative. Like today, I walking across the road towards my house, and looked at the car, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, with a girl on the driver's seat, and a guy on the passengers seat. It's just another ordinary scene, but my mind went into an instant criticism mode; she must be some rich girl being spoilt by her parents with such luxury. Also a kid giving the cashier a high 5 whilst it is a peak hour at McDonald's, only made me feel like they were both inconsiderate as the line behind that girl was already stagnant with about 5 customers. Even stole a glance at one of the customers rolling their eyes for abit. I saw that bro, I totes saw that.
But what would you have felt if you were to be on the other side; their shoes?
Either you don't give a crap about what others would think, or go paranoid that you'll always be judged regardless.
There isn't a person that I hate so much, that I would curse their existence to be reversed other than myself. Time travel, to stop that existence process perhaps. If only it was possible for people to see what could have possibly happen in the future, that the current decision could be altered in certain ways to prevent chaos? What is the point of that anyways. Don't know. It's more like an instant imaginary thought that bombarded my noggins for abit. But really, I do hate myself.
You decided to click to have a view of what might be going through my mind, so I shall blab with all honesty. *smiley face* There are times where I personally feel like I should apologise to everyone who knows me. Maybe somewhere along the lines of; 'I am sorry for being the way I am, for causing you trouble, for giving unnecessary hassle, for being a pain from time to time. I would have been a completely different individual, probably a better person than what I am today. Maybe I could have been a nicer person, less sensitive, stronger as an individual, as a person. Maybe..' But I already have existed, and it is a struggle finding myself an identity. Sometimes, I secretly believed that I lived my life with several personalities. Sometimes I think that I am living in my own world that I couldn't connect with anyone else around me.
Though the problem is, I am living and I have to incorporate myself with everything else that is happening around me. How much of myself am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? It seems easy for others to just live happily, not giving too much thoughts about anything else. Possible, that I gave myself too much scrutiny where I picture myself to be the perfect person in order to have a place on the surface of this earth. There isn't a rule on how you live life, but there is a stigma.
There was this man, who I believe is special, who has a slightly slower mentality and a different mind of the everyday people that we see. We people would call them down syndrome or any other names that could possibly hit our brains at that particular time. We get scared of these people. Why? This man, he seems like everyone else, he sits on this seat that was available in the train. This girl in front of me, all goth-up with a combination of purple, blue and green in her hair with her face full of hooks and pins, dressed in full black.. She was afraid of this man. Was it because we know it is going to be slightly difficult communicating with them, or is it because we are trying very hard to accept them as normal people when the reality of them being slightly abnormal, overwhelms?
How do you human? How do you normal?
Bleargh. It is as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore, future seems like it's nothing. 20 years alive and every minuscule achievement doesn't seem like it's giving me any boost for wherever I am headed after I am done with my third year.
It's still a plan, though it seems really unconvincing. Fingers crossed.
But what would you have felt if you were to be on the other side; their shoes?
Either you don't give a crap about what others would think, or go paranoid that you'll always be judged regardless.
There isn't a person that I hate so much, that I would curse their existence to be reversed other than myself. Time travel, to stop that existence process perhaps. If only it was possible for people to see what could have possibly happen in the future, that the current decision could be altered in certain ways to prevent chaos? What is the point of that anyways. Don't know. It's more like an instant imaginary thought that bombarded my noggins for abit. But really, I do hate myself.
You decided to click to have a view of what might be going through my mind, so I shall blab with all honesty. *smiley face* There are times where I personally feel like I should apologise to everyone who knows me. Maybe somewhere along the lines of; 'I am sorry for being the way I am, for causing you trouble, for giving unnecessary hassle, for being a pain from time to time. I would have been a completely different individual, probably a better person than what I am today. Maybe I could have been a nicer person, less sensitive, stronger as an individual, as a person. Maybe..' But I already have existed, and it is a struggle finding myself an identity. Sometimes, I secretly believed that I lived my life with several personalities. Sometimes I think that I am living in my own world that I couldn't connect with anyone else around me.
Though the problem is, I am living and I have to incorporate myself with everything else that is happening around me. How much of myself am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? It seems easy for others to just live happily, not giving too much thoughts about anything else. Possible, that I gave myself too much scrutiny where I picture myself to be the perfect person in order to have a place on the surface of this earth. There isn't a rule on how you live life, but there is a stigma.
There was this man, who I believe is special, who has a slightly slower mentality and a different mind of the everyday people that we see. We people would call them down syndrome or any other names that could possibly hit our brains at that particular time. We get scared of these people. Why? This man, he seems like everyone else, he sits on this seat that was available in the train. This girl in front of me, all goth-up with a combination of purple, blue and green in her hair with her face full of hooks and pins, dressed in full black.. She was afraid of this man. Was it because we know it is going to be slightly difficult communicating with them, or is it because we are trying very hard to accept them as normal people when the reality of them being slightly abnormal, overwhelms?
How do you human? How do you normal?
Bleargh. It is as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore, future seems like it's nothing. 20 years alive and every minuscule achievement doesn't seem like it's giving me any boost for wherever I am headed after I am done with my third year.
It's still a plan, though it seems really unconvincing. Fingers crossed.
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