I'm always trying to run away.

But I have nowhere else to run away to.

There couldn't be possibly much different from a new place than where I am right now.

Why am I still having that feeling?

Good morning

Things had been good so far. I don't feel like I absolutely hate my life at the moment. This feeling is pretty amazing.

Today, I read a post by a friend on Facebook mentioning how he regretted studying what he studied and could not figure out how to tell his parents about it. It made me feel like talking about a whole lot of things and I didn't know where I could talk about it without looking like someone whom the people will hate. Yeah. The struggle is real. I have so much to say but nowhere to channel my thoughts to. :/

I feel like the asian mindset is trapped in a particular way that anything that strays, jutting out of this trap will only get burned badly. Everything has to be in order, everything has to be perfect, MONEY is the most important bit about life! Not to mention the biasness and the sneaky things that people do to certain group of people of their liking. I just feel like everything is unfair back at home. People would work their hardest and get the lowest pay, people who works the least gets bulks of money into their pockets. People who are "poor" gets dissed, people who are slighty well to do spending time with average people gets dissed. What on earth?

no.

I shouldn't go on.

But it's frustrating. :(

I'm just going to have my lunch and go study. This shall be a remnant of the past that I do not wish to talk about.

I am so in love, it's intoxicating.

Friendships are so unpredictable.
You wouldn't think you would lose them. But they are still ships and they would drift away when you don't look or if they've loaded up their anchors without you knowing.

It's been lonely.
Friends back home were peeling off like an onion and friends here aren't those who I have faith in long term friendships.

I'd say there's something wrong with me, because I can't convince myself otherwise. I've learned to appreciate great people whom I will bump into and expect to never see them in my life ever again. That way, whenever I remember them, I remember that inspired great feeling I have from that encounter. I still grieve on drifted friendships though. It feels like it's such a waste that I could not accept the sadness that came along with the parting. Just like how momma always leaves me by the end of her visit, it took me years to accept that momma will never be by my side for a long time.

I fear he will leave me, just like how everyone else did. His company has made me grow into something more than I would have been. I got too scared about making new friends but he encouraged me to go do things despite the fear. Along with those attempts, I've made some great memories with other people and some not so great. But usually, it's the better that happens.

Sometimes I'd blame myself for setting myself up to this estranged situation with my friends from home. We eventually lived different lives and they weren't interested with my foreign endeavors and it was all I had to share. They'd think it would be glitzy and glamorous to be studying abroad, not giving two thoughts with the fact that I literally had no one by my side. I'd yearn for their attention so badly but obviously it only drove them further away.

I left home to follow my dream. In a way, I'm already partially living my dream and I believe I will get where I want to be without letting it go.

I shouldn't regret anything since I am having a dream that is becoming a reality. Right?

I've gotten hostile in terms of friendship too. I'd leave sarcastic comments just because I would feel like they'd deserve to know the kind of pain they could be inflicting onto others, technically.. it's pretty much me projecting my emotions of hate and dislike rather freely. I'd burn "friends" just because I feel like it. I'd gloat at people's petty lives and laugh, thinking that 'thank god I don't hang out with these ignorant people!'.

It's bad. But it makes me feel better after all the pain that I had mentally inflict myself due to friendship issues. It just didn't make any sense why people would have to feel pain because of ignorance. So much pretentiousness. Things just didn't feel as pure as it should anymore. Friendships should be pure and kind, straight from a heart that is genuine.

Living life as I please.

It's joyful in a way, but I have a constant fear where all my happiness will give me a hard bite eventually, just so I regret being this happy.

You can't always be happy, can you?