I just realised that I will have to eventually break myself into three parts;

My mom
My aunt
Future in laws

Why can't I ever get anything right?
People are scoring their tests and assignments left and right, while I am only good with marks between 50-70. Never anything above 70. Why can't I just be smarter or something?

It's not like I don't want to get god marks, it's a feeling where I am not sure if I am doing the right thing.

I sit and I worry about the things that I am not getting right and I can't actually figure out what exactly I am missing or what I am not doing right. People keep saying that there's no right or wrong to things, but my results have been returning and proving me that I am pretty much wrong at everything. It's like I don't have a sense of direction on where I am supposed to head to. I'm just sitting here, trying to figure my way out.

I don't do things last minute either. I would work on it as soon as I can because I know I am normally unsure of what I am doing. At least when I start my work earlier, I can give myself more time to think about what I am doing instead of just bluntly handing in a report that was not thought of and probably has no content.

Yet, still I am not getting it.

I would work hard for my assignments and test and I still get the same results as I would if I went in without any prior preparation. It really does feel like I am wasting all my time putting in so much effort into something that wasn't fruitful. It's frustrating. It really is frustrating.

I think the worst part is that I didn't really know how to ask questions as well. I would feel extremely afraid of asking questions, thinking they may be obvious questions or answers to and that I would appear dumb and would have wasted their time and effort on me.

I just feel like I can't get anything right.

Week 8 starts tomorrow.

I am tired already. :(

I have to feel thankful that I didn't take any subjects that are too time demanding this time around though. Really feeling that it's a good thing cause my tiredness is not because of the fact that I am drowning with assignments so far, which is really good. At least now, it's just me feeling tired and I know I can bounce back up when I get enough rest.. or enough life stuff, whatever the sims literally needs to actually be happy.

I thought Sims was more of a game and not much of a life. But it does make sense in a way. You need to make your Sims work, you need to come home, eat, shower, empty your bladder while squeezing in entertainment as well as social life all within a short span of days. IF you neglect one aspect of the Sim; leaving it to turn red, your Sim pretty much flips on you. One thing though, it seems really funny that they are flipping AT YOU because you are making them feel like that. But in reality, when you're really tired of shit, who do you flip at? 

I honestly am still struggling with my physiology. I am just flipping at myself for making myself do something that I don't understand or am feeling slightly against. The use of animals in terms of discovering the different human bodily functions are just a little heart breaking sometimes. The medicine, the lesions and addition of other stuff into the body of mice, rats and sheeps.. all just for humans to learn more about the effects of different things can do to the body. It's unethical to do it on humans, apparently. But I guess that's why doctors were mostly given the green light in actually bringing the 'cure' to life by having placebo trials on humans - who think that they could potentially live if they have a go at this new 'cure'. Then again, these methods were tested shit loads of times on animals before making sure that it was OKAY to be used in humans. Like seriously, if people die in terms of medical trials, it's okay but mass murder or war is seemingly fine. 

I probably don't make any sense. But I couldn't be bothered, really. I just wanted to speak my mind.

This is what happens when I don't have friends to hang out with.

Also, I freak out at the fact that I have to make new friends who I know has a higher likelihood of not lasting long. 

So.. no, I don't have a channel to talk about weird shit and stuff that are pretty much bothering my mind.

Renaissance Europe is pretty fun.

Nutrition is okay, it's just so dry 90% of the time..

Animal Behaviour is abit crappy for me because it clashes with my physiology lecture times -.-

Australian Vertebrates is pretty fun so far, but labs were boring... 

I have been having much enthusiasm about turning up to almost all the lectures this semester. Which is a real turn around from last two semesters. HAHAHA But as a consequence to that, it made me feel like it's such a waste of time to travel home and to sit down and have a meal on my own. Which also means, my timetable everyday would be me spending 12 hours in uni from 9am to 9pm (when the library closes). You can imagine how much money I use and how much weight I have lost because of this. Also not to forget the amount of 'NO SOCIAL TIME' I have these days.. 

You may see it as me complaining and not taking initiative to look for company and relieve some social lonesome in me, but I really don't know how to do it. 

Can you imagine if I really need to meet up with someone, just to speak my heart out but I get rejected because that person is apparently busy with assignments and life as well. I mean.. I get it that they are busy and all, but I only look for people when I really need it and I don't want to appear as a burden to people - 'oh my god, I have to spare some time for this woman because she needs me URGHHHHH'. That's just.. heartbreaking.

Also, I would not agree with you if you say that I have a problem in me that is just making people hate hanging out or spending time with me. 

Should I be apologizing to you for being whoever I feel true to myself or even you? 

I believe I will be graduating end of this year as well. I am not too excited about it.

Because I cannot imagine what I should be feeling - happy and wanting to share my happy moments with people who cares for me, or sad because people who I wish to share my happy moment with wouldn't even want to be there..? 

Or would you say - graduation only what, everyone also graduate nowadays, it's not a big deal 

ok. 

I'm still going to graduate, because to hell with it. 

I want to see what's gonna happen. 

Hello bloggie

I found out a good friend of mine still reads my blog just so she knows what is up with my life. It'd be great if I get to keep her as a friend for a long time. It's a very nice feeling to have, knowing that someone still cares for you despite not having constant contact over a long period of time.

Life has been pretty good to me so far. It was more of me trying to enjoy every final moment I have as an undergraduate in Monash. No regrets, no regrets at all. Even with me being away from ultimate frisbee, it showed me who really cares and what really matters. My angsty feeling was overboard last semester, but it was me trying to figure things out. At least I have some bits sorted.

I love how the Sun is making its appearance again! :)

Guess what? I'm one week away from 'graduating' from MUMSU! I've spent two whole years with MUMSU and am glad that I made that decision to be a committee with MUMSU. This year was much better as we somehow managed to communicate more and understood the concept of which we were trying to achieve. I also got a easier role. Haha! I like that.

I guess this is another phase about letting go and taking a step forward to another 'life'. It's good to know that this was a transition stage with the fun bits being the fun bits and the painful bits being the learning pieces.

Australia is a great place for me to learn. There isn't any pressure, everything is peaceful and there are all kinds of people around. One will generally feel the need to be a better person, simply because everybody is just so nice here.

It seems abit silly that I have finally gotten used to my life here just at the brink of another drastic change. Everything seems to be changing. Year 1 was exciting with everything new to try and explore. Year 2 was the stagnant year where most of the things had been explored and you're trying to find more things to explore yet at the same time knowing you still have another year to go. Year 3 is the acceptance phase as well as the 'freak out,  you need to grow up!' phase.

I have faith that I'll graduate this year. Things seems fine so far. Yeap.

See you at my graduation?