Finding the perfect one.. it's like waiting to see God in person.
I don't know how people would react to that sentence, but I've already written that. So let that sink in just a bit. :)
When you're single and mingling, looking around for the perfect one to spend the rest of your life with, compared to the time when you're happily in a steady relationship, you will tend to look back at how silly you were. At least in my case, that happened. But it's hard to look back and wondered what possibly went into my mind that lead me where I am today. It could be good and it could be bad. What I knew for sure what that circumstances weren't entirely right and this one happened to be right.
I admit, I used to hope that one day my significant other would treat me like a princess or a queen, be all pampered and happy. That's what I saw growing up, my brother was spending all of his time giving everything to his girlfriend as he possibly could. It made me wonder, why would a guy do that for a girl? Surely the girl is capable of doing things for herself and he is just going out of his way just to please her. Was this a thing that guys must do to get the girl? Show her that he can do everything, despite the trouble and what not? Then when I started college, friends around me were having relationships and were disappearing from the friendship circles. I thought that was just really silly. Why would the girl make him spend so much time with her and not allow him to do whatever he pleases instead of constantly pleasing her?
Girls around me had ideal boyfriend type and were constantly turning down boys who came up to them. Me being boy-ish felt like it was such a waste of time for the boys to fall so deeply in love with a girl who obviously had no fucks about his feelings at all. This was when boys would do almost anything he could possibly do to woo her and she was just not bothered at all. It always felt as though the boys were the unfortunate lost sheep in the relationship while the girls were in total domination most of the time. Then I just got so confused, what is up with girls? Wasn't this what girls wanted all along? Attention, attention and attention?
These things around me then made me realise that I don't want to have a perfect significant other. I 'wanted' someone who I find genuinely nice. As much as I tried staying away from stereotyping, I am still a girl after all.. which means it's still contradicting. LOL
Physiology thought me that people will not bond naturally due to stuff that we can't tell. At least it's one reason that I know seems rather legit that answers these mind boggling girl brains. Pheromones played a cue for the two genders to know whether they would be a good match or not. BUT modern days have added so much external stuff such as money, appearance and material possessions, they mess with the female minds even more. Zoology units have also thought me that it's completely fine for women to be picky with their partners simply because females were the ones producing eggs and going through menstruation and what not. Physiologically, producing egg and the parenting part weighs heavily on females, not so much on males. All the males needed to do was to prove that they have the genetics for her future babies to survive and continue passing the genes down.
I swear studying animals are so much more fun than figuring out humans. I laugh at the things that were being taught in Zoology which I felt related to humans. Like how girls would swoon over good looking men for no real reason. But I guess it just made things easier for me to understand that animals are complicated too! .. just not as complicated as humans. :D
Back to these dating junk.
I never actually saw myself in this relationship until it actually revealed itself. I knew I was attracted to his attributes, I knew I would like to share my life with somebody like him if I had the chance to, but it never once occurred to me that we would actually get together by the end of this courtship. It's funny to think about it. I thought I wasn't up to his standards (that age gap yo). But as months churned by, it became clear to me what relationships should be like and how courtship should have been different. Being in this relationship made me realise things I could not have possibly understood if I did not get to experience it first hand. I understood why my aunt told me to go for it, as long as he seems decent and is nice enough to care for me instead of taking advantage of me. I understood why sometimes parents would not allow certain relationships to happen. I understood why some people find the joy in sharing everything about their love lives - monthsary celebrations and why some people like me despise celebrating monthsaries. I understand why my brother went out of his way to please his now-wife.
I didn't force him to do anything that I wanted, but he knew the things that he do will make me happy. What I learnt, is that he really likes seeing me happy and would do whatever to make me happy. Yeap, I am that grumpy bitch sometimes. Especially when I am about to have my menstruation. I feel guilty that he has to face my random emotions from time to time, but he understands it's not something I can control sometimes. We get frustrated and angry at each other quite frequently but with some food and cuddles by the end of the day, everything will be fine again.
Being in a relationship is about giving and taking, wholeheartedly. Both parties understanding each others limits and giving encouragement or time when necessary. There were couple of times I thought that he shouldn't deserve so much pain from me as I could no longer control my emotions. But he held on tight. We don't agree most of the time; food, time, ideas, thoughts - but we accept them and we compromise. I feel so comfortable that I don't have to dress to impress. Even if I walk out of my house with sleeping clothes on, he'll still find me hot. I still don't agree with him finding me hot, but I accept it. Without knowing it, I found confidence in myself, something I had been struggling to find for a very long time.
Truthfully saying, I don't think there will ever be the perfect one. It's more of finding someone who is willing to go through the good and the ugly of both lives, together. There's still a long way to go, and a whole lot of arguments to resolve. But we'll work our way there and live with what we have at the moment.
Life has also told me that if a boy really likes you, he really likes you. So ladies, don't take for granted of that. That's just selfish. If you really don't feel like you can gel with him, let him know, let him go BUT make sure you'll never regret this decision by letting him go.
Though truthfully, I can't say which is the best way in finding your way through life. Take a leap of faith, if you must. If things don't go right, try again. The path that you choose, the walk that you take is all depending on you.
Just make sure you don't regret the decision you make.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Getting a 'permit' to stay in Australia is necessary. I knew there were several things that could be done and one of them was potentially a de fecto visa.
But of course, if I could, I should avoid that. There's other visas I could potentially apply for as well.. one, really: work visa. Then again, employers wouldn't want to employ me if I don't have a pr because they will be responsible of applying for my stay in Australia. I, don't have an asset that they need that they have to buy my stay with them. They can easily employ locals.
Turmoil.
But thank you for finally looking into it. At least now I know it's not only me who wants to stay in Australia. At least now I know I have a better chance in staying here too.
Ps. Australia doesn't need an asian zoology graduate. My main reason why applying for a PR alone is not going to work.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Why don't people like me?
Why do I feel so lonely?
What's wrong with me?
I realize that there is nothing wrong with me. It's just that I grew up and I learned about what I like and what I don't like about people. I feel uncomfortable pretending that I don't like certain behavior of certain people. I get mildly excited when I feel like the person has a selfless personality.
People will find it difficult talking to me, they don't seem to keen about what I have to say. It would then make me feel like it's best if I wasn't there. Then at least they wouldn't feel like it's a burden to be interested in what I have to say. It's almost like a cascading effect, where I wouldn't feel confident that people like my presence or company, followed by me not wanting to hang out with people to then me not having any social life. I wish I was exaggerating this, but I really am not.
My sister would probably say that I'm just a stuck up bitch not wanting to make friends, with the mentality whereby I am wayyyyyy better than everybody else.
Sometimes I wish that was the case. At least that could be a known fact instead of an unknown reason.
Part of me knows that I am just too tired about this friendship problem that I don't want to ve fussed about it anymore. But at the same time, the adult me knows that friendship and networking is really important.
:(
At the moment, I'm pretty convince that I can live life normally without friends. But I'm sure somewhere down the road, something is gonna hit me in the face to prove that I'm wrong.
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