Let's just be clear that I like spending my time typing or writing. Not so much of actual reading, but more of just having the chance to actually vomit my thoughts out into words. However though, I just need substances to type with. Instead of just mindless babbles that nobody would read. To be honest, it's not even for anyone to read. It's just a way for me to have an excuse to type/write something. I do not expect anyone to be reading what I have to say. I don't even read what I write sometimes. I do remember however, when I was younger, I wanted approval from people to say that it was worth for me to write or type something down. I guess I am just looking for a reason to write.

I used to be good at writing stories. That was great when writing was actually compulsory and I almost never had enough time to finish my stories. I remember going through my pile of high school essays and honestly get blown away by my own stories that I have written. I also remember how I used to plant my essays/stories in a "dream" scenario, just so I could put an end to the story in time for submission. Sadly though, I don't think I can be anywhere as good as I used to be. All those free time spent daydreaming and trying to figure out 'what is more to life' than just plain high school, seeing the same faces day in and day out.

Life was much simpler back then, everything had already been pre-planned ahead of time for me. Wearing the same type of clothes everyday, leaving my textbooks under my desk in school saved me heaps from being unnecessarily punished, extra curricular activities after school, night tuition classes so I don't fall back on studies, food did not have to be made and laundry was not a thing. Time spent daydreaming and dreaming of a different world was the best. I made friends there and it made me happy and kept me company.

I've lost all my dream friends when I left high school. I think I was 18 when I started living in the world, trying to be surrounded by real people and real friends. "Friends". Maybe that's why I never really had lasting friends, they just never seem to match up with my dream friends. Of course, things are just too difficult now. I can't even remember my dream friends anymore. Which is sad, considering I feel lonelier than ever. I am currently struggling to find my presence in this world. I just feel absolutely isolated, it feels as though I am not living. Rather, I am living in an empty shell, completely disconnected with every part of my body.

Okay. I have probably gotten in too deep there.

I really am just letting my mind control what I am writing right now. This is absolutely true and I am not writing anything to sway things one way or another.

I do not feel too great about myself now.

Maybe that's why I try not to write, because I know what my mind is capable of doing. It is almost like a toxic little thing, trying to break my sanity into pieces.

Anybody willing to pay for a psychiatrist session for me?
I think I really need one.