I forgotten what it feels like to be myself. Technically, 628-43091548yft;madsgvna'ropvjkdsa /leiur[-032ui5trmg/vk a'lvkajhr85t02981095-39jf09wjc-[09aikf['asmv[irhyg[asof would probably summarise what is going through my head at this point of time. Then again, it's plain gibber. It doesn't make any sense, it doesn't mean anything. But in fact, it means so much that it just wraps itself with a bunch of other stuff that makes it completely meaningless. Just like what I feel right at this very moment.
Not to forget me shoving my limbs into random places and causing unnecessary pain to myself. Pretty sure it's not because of the absolute coldness that my body is feeling that brings slight numbness to the edges of my limbs, but it is also the absent mindedness that my mind is floating in. As much as I try to convince myself to snap back into reality, it just feels like there is a distant gap between where I am at and where reality is at. Somewhat like looking at a screen in front of me where everything is moving forward, almost in a very fast pace, while I am still sitting here, looking at how bizarre and frightening the things that I am looking at.
Then of course, this is all in my own mind, I should be able to easily shove it all away if I could just stop and focus on something more important and something that would be worth my time having a focus on. But why can't I just get my body back up, and walk into reality, instead of just living life bluntly?
There isn't anything wrong my life at the moment. It is somewhat of a perfect life that I almost always hoped it would have turned out just before I came over here. I have a life now. I have lovely housemates who will always be there to cheer me up and keep me company, I have ultimate frisbee to have my social life going, I have a commitment where I have something to make me step out of my comfort zone to learn more about the real world and to gain personal experiences. Everything is perfect as of now.
Hrmmm...
Friday, May 24, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Hello me darling blog!
Hasn't it been ages since I last posted something? I missed those days where I would actually have time to sit and stone, pondering about how I would create random mess in my head, and spill them out in words here. Those days may have been the loneliest days I have ever had. Those days where I only had a blog to share my innermost feelings with. Those days where all I wanted to do, was to try to be a part of the society and be accepted for who I am. But does it really mean that I have finally found life just as I always wished I could?
There isn't a doubt that I still question the miserable qualms of life. There are times where I just feel like flinging my shoes across the lecture hall, aiming towards the lectures head. Simply because I was feeling frustrated at the lecturer for having an immensely boring monotonous tone and the absence of interest in presenting his or her knowledge. Maybe it was cause I was struggling trying to fathom each and every tiny bit of knowledge that would be worth all the effort and money spent having my foot on this foreign land. Realisation hits me almost every single waking moment that I have, remembering what happened each and everyday of the previous year, seeing how much of a comparison to what I have in this present day. Determination might have driven me a little too far, causing myself to cave in to my own greed. Thankfully the gastric hadn't been giving me terrible times.
The decision in taking two majors within a single degree, was to help the future me have a broader option. The past me thought it was the wisest decision that could have occurred at that particular moment of time. The past me was happily taking the decision, making the future me have a little extra hope in the real world someday. But the current me, has fallen into pits of darkness where all that is present, is pure darkness; reaching out into nothingness.
Probably it was the wrong decision made by the past me. Probably it was the best decision made by the past me. Only the present me could determine what the future me, is going to get.
Though honestly, I love the side where I get to be a nerd and learn all the ridiculous biological terms that means nothing at the start, but makes complete sense after long duration of crucial scrutiny. NERD. Unfortunately, I could not argue if one would say that I am not nerdy enough to be considered a proper nerd. But I do like that fact that I am being as nerdy as I can. Studies have gotten so much more interesting. BUT all I need is time...
Obviously time never waits. Nor does it ever give you a second glance before moving on. Only moment when time moves extremely slowly is during... probably never. Everything is just moving with a speed of light. One moment I fall asleep, and the next I am awake, rushing to go for my first lecture which starts at 8am.. RIDIC. There are days where I have to prolong my uni hours because of meetings. Truthfully, these meetings are even more RIDIC than my 8am lectures.
On the side note, I made myself a little list of 'things I should refrain from for the whole of 2013';
1. fast food (includes fries)
2. bubbletea
3. shopping
4. skipping lectures
Good progress thus far. Though I did spend money on a new phone earlier this year, and recently dyed my hair to some funky stuff. So I guess that would be considered as shopping? And I have been drinking alot of milktea, only minus the jelly and pearls from those bubbletea stores. Other than that, I have been surviving from fast food and I have not skipped any lectures despite them being horribly early. I deserve a sticker. or two. three maybe? for the effort?
OH HOW I MISS TYPING RANDOM SHIT. <3
I remember the earlier days where I had been extremely excited of what I could possibly do this year. Dear past me, WHY?! YOU LITERALLY GAVE ME HELL. But on the bright side, I definitely learned a bucketful of experience through all those hell that you put me through. Thank you. No sarcasm. But seriously, it would have been better; dang it.
As for ultimate frisbee. Southern Uni Games, maybe? It does feel like a giant leap for me. Especially when all I ever intended was to play casually, to release some tension. I then realised that all of my friends are actually people who plays ultimate frisbee. Tell me how sad and depressing my life is. TELL ME. It's a life. These people are friendly and they are all willing to teach me and correct me when I am wrong. Not to forget the random stuff that I get to talk too. Haa.
I actually don't have any friends from my own course. Other than the occasionally appearing people from the same lab, the hi then walk away kind of friends. But I have lovely housemates. :)
Yes. This post is absolutely random, and grammatically wrong. It's 3am.
Btw, my queen sized bed is awesome.
Hasn't it been ages since I last posted something? I missed those days where I would actually have time to sit and stone, pondering about how I would create random mess in my head, and spill them out in words here. Those days may have been the loneliest days I have ever had. Those days where I only had a blog to share my innermost feelings with. Those days where all I wanted to do, was to try to be a part of the society and be accepted for who I am. But does it really mean that I have finally found life just as I always wished I could?
There isn't a doubt that I still question the miserable qualms of life. There are times where I just feel like flinging my shoes across the lecture hall, aiming towards the lectures head. Simply because I was feeling frustrated at the lecturer for having an immensely boring monotonous tone and the absence of interest in presenting his or her knowledge. Maybe it was cause I was struggling trying to fathom each and every tiny bit of knowledge that would be worth all the effort and money spent having my foot on this foreign land. Realisation hits me almost every single waking moment that I have, remembering what happened each and everyday of the previous year, seeing how much of a comparison to what I have in this present day. Determination might have driven me a little too far, causing myself to cave in to my own greed. Thankfully the gastric hadn't been giving me terrible times.
The decision in taking two majors within a single degree, was to help the future me have a broader option. The past me thought it was the wisest decision that could have occurred at that particular moment of time. The past me was happily taking the decision, making the future me have a little extra hope in the real world someday. But the current me, has fallen into pits of darkness where all that is present, is pure darkness; reaching out into nothingness.
Probably it was the wrong decision made by the past me. Probably it was the best decision made by the past me. Only the present me could determine what the future me, is going to get.
Though honestly, I love the side where I get to be a nerd and learn all the ridiculous biological terms that means nothing at the start, but makes complete sense after long duration of crucial scrutiny. NERD. Unfortunately, I could not argue if one would say that I am not nerdy enough to be considered a proper nerd. But I do like that fact that I am being as nerdy as I can. Studies have gotten so much more interesting. BUT all I need is time...
Obviously time never waits. Nor does it ever give you a second glance before moving on. Only moment when time moves extremely slowly is during... probably never. Everything is just moving with a speed of light. One moment I fall asleep, and the next I am awake, rushing to go for my first lecture which starts at 8am.. RIDIC. There are days where I have to prolong my uni hours because of meetings. Truthfully, these meetings are even more RIDIC than my 8am lectures.
On the side note, I made myself a little list of 'things I should refrain from for the whole of 2013';
1. fast food (includes fries)
2. bubbletea
3. shopping
4. skipping lectures
Good progress thus far. Though I did spend money on a new phone earlier this year, and recently dyed my hair to some funky stuff. So I guess that would be considered as shopping? And I have been drinking alot of milktea, only minus the jelly and pearls from those bubbletea stores. Other than that, I have been surviving from fast food and I have not skipped any lectures despite them being horribly early. I deserve a sticker. or two. three maybe? for the effort?
OH HOW I MISS TYPING RANDOM SHIT. <3
I remember the earlier days where I had been extremely excited of what I could possibly do this year. Dear past me, WHY?! YOU LITERALLY GAVE ME HELL. But on the bright side, I definitely learned a bucketful of experience through all those hell that you put me through. Thank you. No sarcasm. But seriously, it would have been better; dang it.
As for ultimate frisbee. Southern Uni Games, maybe? It does feel like a giant leap for me. Especially when all I ever intended was to play casually, to release some tension. I then realised that all of my friends are actually people who plays ultimate frisbee. Tell me how sad and depressing my life is. TELL ME. It's a life. These people are friendly and they are all willing to teach me and correct me when I am wrong. Not to forget the random stuff that I get to talk too. Haa.
I actually don't have any friends from my own course. Other than the occasionally appearing people from the same lab, the hi then walk away kind of friends. But I have lovely housemates. :)
Yes. This post is absolutely random, and grammatically wrong. It's 3am.
Btw, my queen sized bed is awesome.
Friday, March 22, 2013
I sit and I stare at the wall in front of me, unsure of what was going
through my mind at that exact moment, unsure where it is leading, unsure what
or why it was there loitering in my mind in the first place. Despite all the
confusions, it lingers on. Life is so much different from what is used to be.
Shocking time lapse of change in such a short period of time, life seems to be
moving forward in such a pace that stopping for a breather or two seems almost
impossible.
At least I am staring at a wall that I could decorate with things that I love now, with a comparison on a big window but only to be blocked by a tall ledge of fence before. Looking to my left is a view of the greeneries on the outside, with a much bigger window that is operable with ease. Then a glance on my right, a double closet with mirrors on its exterior, making the room look much bigger than it already is. Waking up to random noises going on around the house, familiar music playing at different times, chirpy clatters going about gleefully, this feels more like a home than what it used to be. We always settle for what was best at the point of time, til we get the chance to have an experience of something better. This, was definitely worth the amount of silly stressful days that I used to have back then.
Define stress.
Maybe a little queasy in the heart and a mind that is always filled with questions on how things could be done as perfect as it could be. Time will always be the biggest enemy and there is no way in turning back time, nor chasing after it even if one desperately needs it. Some would say time is priceless, and some would agree that it is ridiculous to be using unnecessary money on time, simply because time is not something that needs to be paid for.. time moves on with or without us. Time doesn't wait for anyone, or anything.
What about sacrifices..?
What should be the priority, when everything seems to be bundled up in a ball of rubber bands, and the only way to take it apart, is by unravelling them one at a time. Even with a crumpled piece of paper, there is a starting point somewhere. To end something, is to begin somewhere. Looking at how complicated the mess is, one would just give in almost immediately without even giving it a thought or two. Others would stare at it, and plot for ideas and plans on how to solve it in the most systematic and conventional way possible. Some, would immediately dig into it, and figure out how it goes along the way. There is no telling who is wrong, and who is right. Everyone has got their own capabilities, and differences in skills, everyone will succeed at their own given rates.
It's a whole different approach; mind blown.
At least I am staring at a wall that I could decorate with things that I love now, with a comparison on a big window but only to be blocked by a tall ledge of fence before. Looking to my left is a view of the greeneries on the outside, with a much bigger window that is operable with ease. Then a glance on my right, a double closet with mirrors on its exterior, making the room look much bigger than it already is. Waking up to random noises going on around the house, familiar music playing at different times, chirpy clatters going about gleefully, this feels more like a home than what it used to be. We always settle for what was best at the point of time, til we get the chance to have an experience of something better. This, was definitely worth the amount of silly stressful days that I used to have back then.
Define stress.
Maybe a little queasy in the heart and a mind that is always filled with questions on how things could be done as perfect as it could be. Time will always be the biggest enemy and there is no way in turning back time, nor chasing after it even if one desperately needs it. Some would say time is priceless, and some would agree that it is ridiculous to be using unnecessary money on time, simply because time is not something that needs to be paid for.. time moves on with or without us. Time doesn't wait for anyone, or anything.
What about sacrifices..?
What should be the priority, when everything seems to be bundled up in a ball of rubber bands, and the only way to take it apart, is by unravelling them one at a time. Even with a crumpled piece of paper, there is a starting point somewhere. To end something, is to begin somewhere. Looking at how complicated the mess is, one would just give in almost immediately without even giving it a thought or two. Others would stare at it, and plot for ideas and plans on how to solve it in the most systematic and conventional way possible. Some, would immediately dig into it, and figure out how it goes along the way. There is no telling who is wrong, and who is right. Everyone has got their own capabilities, and differences in skills, everyone will succeed at their own given rates.
It's a whole different approach; mind blown.
Monday, February 18, 2013
What am I supposed to do?
When the heart says go, and the mind says no. It's silly how tiny trivial matters that requires decisions, make me go literally insane from time to time. I personally find that it really is unnecessary to overthink things. But at the same time, I couldn't help myself from thinking each matter thoroughly. I would have to admit that most of the time, those hours and pain taken to think them through, would almost never match up with the effect of how perfect that decision would turn out. Which is absolutely dumb. Because that much of an effort has been placed into these, I end up losing focus on other things that requires much more attention than the one I had given priority to.
It came to a point where it felt that those effort I put in, doesn't feel worth anything at all. It inhibited me from thinking normally, feeling absolutely frustrated about it, and find it completely difficult to accept what others had to say regarding the issue. Maybe this is what one would consider, 'blinded'. Knowing that I should be open minded, where it would allow me to accept the view and opinion of others that could most definitely lessen my burden on those unnecessary thoughts, it just makes me feel at a worse state than I already was.
This cloud that I have gathered around me, made me stubborn and selfish at times. A mind that is literally clogged up, where I couldn't just find an escape or where I was headed to. When a problem comes to me, I would have a look at it, then picture what would happen if that one decision was made just exactly then. People would say that I am jumping into conclusions a little too quickly. There is nothing within me, that is disagreeing with that statement, either. Most of the time, I would create an image in my mind, that things would turn out in the most negative way possible. In my defense, it would be a complete miracle if things had turn out in the most delightful and fruitful manner.
Disappointments, they break my heart into a million pieces. Sometimes, they could break ME into something that would just curl in bed, as though my body had lost all it's support system. When that happens, my mind just stops functioning altogether, rejecting everything that would come across my mind. I have to admit, that this side of me, could literally kill me someday. Adding salt to that, I recently realised that I have built a completely different world for myself to live in, Rainbowton. It is when I stop to think about this little world I have, I begin to feel calm again, before returning back to reality to face one problem at a time.
Sometimes, I would blame myself for causing myself so much problems that would seem nonexistent to others. Mentioning them, or sharing these problems with others felt as though I am complaining about my own problems that I have brought upon myself. No clue why I feel so, but it got me trying my hardest to stop complaining whenever I can. Even when I have no pure evil intentions when all I wanted was to vent my anger and frustrations, it felt like the other person deserves some peace for their own because they have their own problems to handle on their own too. Other times, it felt like they probably wouldnt understand how I truly feel as I vent my emotions at them. Then again, I wouldn't want to push it.
There is nothing about this that I like having in myself. There are times where I feel like my mind is speaking louder than my own voice, or that I am speaking without even realising it.
LOL.
Sorry, it got a little too deep. Hehe.
When the heart says go, and the mind says no. It's silly how tiny trivial matters that requires decisions, make me go literally insane from time to time. I personally find that it really is unnecessary to overthink things. But at the same time, I couldn't help myself from thinking each matter thoroughly. I would have to admit that most of the time, those hours and pain taken to think them through, would almost never match up with the effect of how perfect that decision would turn out. Which is absolutely dumb. Because that much of an effort has been placed into these, I end up losing focus on other things that requires much more attention than the one I had given priority to.
It came to a point where it felt that those effort I put in, doesn't feel worth anything at all. It inhibited me from thinking normally, feeling absolutely frustrated about it, and find it completely difficult to accept what others had to say regarding the issue. Maybe this is what one would consider, 'blinded'. Knowing that I should be open minded, where it would allow me to accept the view and opinion of others that could most definitely lessen my burden on those unnecessary thoughts, it just makes me feel at a worse state than I already was.
This cloud that I have gathered around me, made me stubborn and selfish at times. A mind that is literally clogged up, where I couldn't just find an escape or where I was headed to. When a problem comes to me, I would have a look at it, then picture what would happen if that one decision was made just exactly then. People would say that I am jumping into conclusions a little too quickly. There is nothing within me, that is disagreeing with that statement, either. Most of the time, I would create an image in my mind, that things would turn out in the most negative way possible. In my defense, it would be a complete miracle if things had turn out in the most delightful and fruitful manner.
Disappointments, they break my heart into a million pieces. Sometimes, they could break ME into something that would just curl in bed, as though my body had lost all it's support system. When that happens, my mind just stops functioning altogether, rejecting everything that would come across my mind. I have to admit, that this side of me, could literally kill me someday. Adding salt to that, I recently realised that I have built a completely different world for myself to live in, Rainbowton. It is when I stop to think about this little world I have, I begin to feel calm again, before returning back to reality to face one problem at a time.
Sometimes, I would blame myself for causing myself so much problems that would seem nonexistent to others. Mentioning them, or sharing these problems with others felt as though I am complaining about my own problems that I have brought upon myself. No clue why I feel so, but it got me trying my hardest to stop complaining whenever I can. Even when I have no pure evil intentions when all I wanted was to vent my anger and frustrations, it felt like the other person deserves some peace for their own because they have their own problems to handle on their own too. Other times, it felt like they probably wouldnt understand how I truly feel as I vent my emotions at them. Then again, I wouldn't want to push it.
There is nothing about this that I like having in myself. There are times where I feel like my mind is speaking louder than my own voice, or that I am speaking without even realising it.
LOL.
Sorry, it got a little too deep. Hehe.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Meeting new people, is always good. You are exposed to more life stories and you learn from what tell you. Somewhat of an eye opening experience, an addition to an amazing life ahead. Best times, would be when you find things and topics that you both could agree on, you get fascinated to the unknown side of this newly acquainted person. Something new, something fresh from what you already have.
Along the way, you lose out on known people too. We normally make a big fuss when our 'good friends' are being distanced from us. Who do we blame for this misery that we both go through? Adding salt to open wounds when they used to be the one patching it up for you. What happened? Neither one of you could give a solid answer. Egos skyrocket, neither is willing to put their guards down. Where will this lead to?
Distance can pull relationships tighter. But when you have a pulling force, you will also have the pushing force; loosened ties. Time, plays an important culprit in this matter too.
Today, I don't know where exactly I stand on that tier of friendship. Things I have refused to acknowledge; tearing friendships due to distance and lack of time spent together. It was almost impossible to keep everything the way it is, just as it is before I left. Every trip coming back home, feels like I have skipped a whole lot of together-times with friends. The times when I am home, made it felt like there is no way I could replace those lost times. People are still around, but it just felt different. Sometimes, it feels like I am living a completely different life altogether.
Best friends, are friends whom I know for sure who will be there by me, through the thick and thins, knows about my life in the foreign land, while keeping me updated about their lives back in the homeland. It is them, who I feel like I owe my life to (literally), that feeling of being somewhere, secure with. Not alone, like I am some complete stranger. Friends who would find me out of the blue, randomly asking me how I was, and would end up chatting away with whatever that came to our minds. Frustrations, happiness, anxiousness could be felt by the delay of time.
Everybody has got their own lives to live. More often of times, where things that meant miniscule scales would just disappear into nothing. Maybe I am the silly one who is just sitting there, browsing through my Facebook friends list and ponder upon how I used to know them, and how we just don't talk anymore. It also brought up the thought of how many of them are still friends or just a matter of the past. Where is this line between friendship and acquaintance, what draws that line between acquaintances and strangers. What is the differences between friends and best friends?
Til I figure it out, browsing through my Facebook friends list and homepage, day in and day out, questioning myself.. Til I fall out of reality..
Along the way, you lose out on known people too. We normally make a big fuss when our 'good friends' are being distanced from us. Who do we blame for this misery that we both go through? Adding salt to open wounds when they used to be the one patching it up for you. What happened? Neither one of you could give a solid answer. Egos skyrocket, neither is willing to put their guards down. Where will this lead to?
Distance can pull relationships tighter. But when you have a pulling force, you will also have the pushing force; loosened ties. Time, plays an important culprit in this matter too.
Today, I don't know where exactly I stand on that tier of friendship. Things I have refused to acknowledge; tearing friendships due to distance and lack of time spent together. It was almost impossible to keep everything the way it is, just as it is before I left. Every trip coming back home, feels like I have skipped a whole lot of together-times with friends. The times when I am home, made it felt like there is no way I could replace those lost times. People are still around, but it just felt different. Sometimes, it feels like I am living a completely different life altogether.
Best friends, are friends whom I know for sure who will be there by me, through the thick and thins, knows about my life in the foreign land, while keeping me updated about their lives back in the homeland. It is them, who I feel like I owe my life to (literally), that feeling of being somewhere, secure with. Not alone, like I am some complete stranger. Friends who would find me out of the blue, randomly asking me how I was, and would end up chatting away with whatever that came to our minds. Frustrations, happiness, anxiousness could be felt by the delay of time.
Everybody has got their own lives to live. More often of times, where things that meant miniscule scales would just disappear into nothing. Maybe I am the silly one who is just sitting there, browsing through my Facebook friends list and ponder upon how I used to know them, and how we just don't talk anymore. It also brought up the thought of how many of them are still friends or just a matter of the past. Where is this line between friendship and acquaintance, what draws that line between acquaintances and strangers. What is the differences between friends and best friends?
Til I figure it out, browsing through my Facebook friends list and homepage, day in and day out, questioning myself.. Til I fall out of reality..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)