30th Oct 2013

Those who matter, don't care.
Those who care, don't matter.

I had a seizure.

It lasted for 3 seconds. Thank god I managed to gain consciousness after that. I can only suspect that it happened cause I got up too fast after having to be in bed for about 12 hours. Possibly low blood pressure..? Or in other words, blood was flushed from my brain as an act of gravity, but there wasn't enough circulating blood to replenish that loss of blood from my brain quick enough which then resulted my brain to go into a spasm for abit. I remember knowing that I will have a blackout vision and before I knew it, I elapsed into a small seizure moment. At that moment, I thought it was just an imagination, a bad dream where it felt like it was a real thing.. until I actually gained my conscious. When I got my conscious, I then knew it actually happened and I had to accept reality that I had a momentary seizure.

All I know was that, I was absolutely afraid. I mean, I had neved had a history of it and it's the first time ever that it has happened to me. Seeing how others had seizures, it seemed like a huge deal and it was something that needs to be worried about. I had never passed out before either. Losing consciousness was one of my biggest fear.. what if I could never be sane again? Well, that's a little too extreme.. but I really did think somewhere along that line. My head went: if it happened once, it's gonna happen again sometime in the future. What if I won't be able to wake up then? What if this is the beginning of something that is unknown?

Truth be told, I think I am just paranoid. It is probably because I didn't have much positive exposures to these kind of things. Somewhat like a taboo that everybody tries to stay away from. Me trying to be like everyone else, knows that this isn't normal and would get afraid, running away refusing to know what is beneath it all. Just like how the public deals with mental illnesses or any other personality disorders. Makes me despise people, really. It makes me hate myself even more at times too. But mehh.. if one ant dies, the colony probably wouldn't even realise it.

Though, it really does have to start somewhere. Kindness really does go a long way..

19 Oct 2013

I can feel my body filled with rage.

One where I am unaware of how I could actually dissipate it, unsure of how to deal with.

I thought it was only a phase, that I'd eventually get over with it once I..

17 Oct 2013

This was pretty much a tiny conversation I had with myself just as I was reading through the marking scheme of my report on Human Phylogeography. Even this name sounds fancy, and I just felt like I had no clue what was going on, no idea what I was supposed to do. I really did feel like I should just give up and not do this assignment at all. But it weighs 25%, and I am very sure that the future me will regret not doing this assignment.. So.. here it is.. my conversation with myself! I apologise for the vulgarity. I tend to be really mean to myself. :D

I can write an essay on how Humans came about, but I can only do that based on what I know. Which probably can be summarised in one tiny paragraph. But here, I have to write it up in a whole report form with a word count of 1500 to 2000 words and it costs me 25% of my course. I have no idea HOW to even start my first sentence. Should I have just asked questions when I didn’t know what I am doing? But what am I supposed to ask, when I don’t even know what I have to do and what I am doing.. Search for materials.. Is fine. But why is it so difficult for me to look for proper sources? It is as though I am searching for something else, and my search results gives me a whole lot of other junk that are irrelevant to this topic of what I have to write about even.

How do I even begin with a intro..?

Hypotheses for human origins

I only know that humans originated from Africa. THAT IS ALL.

Hypotheses for human worldwide dispersal

Humans moved out of Africa, moved to Europe then to Asia then to Australia. The Asian line then went over to America. But somehow there are Europe lines that are much much younger than the Americans.

Aims of study

FIGURE THE FUCK OUT HOW TO DO THIS FREAKING PIECE OF PAPER.

Methods

What data are you using to build your trees?

I DON’T KNOW, the data was given, all I did was fucking extract it and wait for it to process for me.

To which part of the genome do these sequences belong to?

The Mitochondrial genome?

How many sequences?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

How long are these sequences?

FREAKIN LONG

Where did you obtain these sequences?

EXTRACTED from the given data.. what am I supposed to write even?! T.T

Description of methods used to build and date phylogenetic tree

Model of DNA evolution.. ?! WHAT?

Tree- building algorithm WHAT SHIT IS THIS?

Bootstrap

I still don’t know what this is.

Software used

Wasn’t it MEGA5? What else?

Molecular clock-dating

ITS RIGHT THERE, I JUST USE IT!

I have been talking to myself alot, recently. I think I am deprived. But mehhh..

In all honesty, I really don't know how am I going to pass my exams this semester. God Bless me.. 

16 oct 2013

Sometimes I feel like a freak for being a loner.

But at the same time, I wouldn't know how to ask people out for a little hang out sessions when I know I would get turned down for some reasons. I would probably feel terrible for asking accompany when I know that they might be busy with their own life and that I needed them for that one point of time. I'd feel like I am selfish for not thinking on their behalf on their time line. Yet at the same time, I know I would have allocated time if they were to ask me out and appreciate that they had thought of me and would allocate some time to be with me.

Though honestly, I think I have been a loner for the whole of my life. People would think that I would place myself away from other people to show that I am alone, hoping I'd get some attention from them. But these days I know that if I do that, there is no doubt about it that I will be left there alone and lonely til the end of time.

Being alone can be a happy thing, it gives me ample amount of time to do whatever I want. I could easily finish studying and be ahead, I could have extra time to watch dramas and laze in bed for the whole day, I didn't have to pay attention to what people have to say and feel emotionally attached. A whole lot more too.

But being alone can be sad too. I wouldn't know who I should turn to when I need help, I would long to go out of outings and have fun laughing with a bunch of people, I would have to rely on my own opinion instead of getting feedbacks from others regarding that issue. I could even feel lonely when I am with a massive group of people who I may or may not know personally. I'd just zone out and feel like a phantom in the room.

Everyday in uni, I'd buy lunch and eat it in the library as I prepare myself to study as soon as I am done with my food. I don't have friends to hang out with, only going home late because of meetings or studying in the library. People I know in uni are more of the 'hi-bye' friends, people whom we have met somewhere through the uni days; classes and events. A small chat on how they have been and they had to rush off elsewhere.

Hrmmm.. maybe it's just me.

11 Oct 2013

I am one year away from graduating.. At least that is what I think I am.

Then I found out I have to do a year of honours to do Masters.

Well, I guess thats one idea scraped out. Though in all seriousness, doing Honours might get me somewhere. Where, is somewhere I have no idea of. What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to do after I am done studying my stuff? Should I stay another year for Honours and give myself an extra year worth of time, or should I just stop studying and actually do something about it?

I have three options:

+ Major in Zoology and pick random units to fill up my quota with a minor in Physiology
+ Major in Marine Biology, minor in Zoology and Physiology
+ Major in Zoology / Marine Biology and a major in Physiology

The third option seems insane. But I picked that last year cause I thought I could handle it and maybe put myself in a safer position in the future. Then as I am just about done with this year, I figured that Physiology may be understandable for me, but it was a little too boring for me. The practicals were boring, the lecturers were boring.. also not to forget that Physiology is really general too. It pretty much brings me back to ground zero.

Actually, I have been on ground zero since second semester of my first year. I don't have any driven force to continue doing what I wanted to do.

A minor doesn't really serve much of its purpose, does it? It wouldn't appear on your graduation thing, only majors would. It would be so swag if I had two majors.. But I don't even know if I can actually do it. My results are shit..

Starting to regret every decision that I had made to have gotten me here today..

Here's one thing I know, I don't see how am I going to earn an income with my profession as a Zoologist or a Marine Biologist or a Physiologist. Negativity even before I start doing something, is another part of me that I am undoubtedly good at.

9 oct 2013

That weird dream of mine made me feel absolutely exhausted today. Worst part, I couldn't finish the dream and had to attend a lab session this morning. I can't help but to think about how bizarre this dream was, and I am still feeling tired because of it.

I know one thing for sure, I hated hauted houses. But in my dreams, I obliged and followed a group of 'familiar faces' into the haunted house, just because I didn't want to be the party pooper. It wasn't really like a haunted house that I know of, it had us sitting around round tables, watching the stage waiting for something to happen. I wasn't wrong, cause that whole stage feel immediately turned into some scary futuristic abduction like. It pulled people in from the audience, thinking it was some kind of act. One by one, people from my table were being pulled into that thing.. I lokoed back at the other table, it was only filled with people being all excited about how amazing this show was going; disappearing act. Then, it was only me left on my table..

The alien then came to me in a group. They only looked like humans dressed up with really pretty futuristic costumes. I knew I didn't want to go, cause it looked fishy. But one of my 'friend' was amongst them, and she told me, 'just follow'. The others in that group seemed to be agreeing with what she told me. Thinking that it would be okay, considering they have the time to warn me to JUST FOLLOW, I thought following quietly would eventually save my life.

As I was shuffled into this 'exit', the door somehow opened up into a whole different world, a futuristic world. But this seemed like an entrance to a company sort, a production line sort-of, using humans dressed as aliens as slaves. I was in a line, and the 'escorters' made sure we were in a line and moved forward along with it. There was this station up ahead.. Til I reached the station, they told me to pick a colour and place my hands there. There was Pink, Green, Orange and Yellow. I somehow picked yellow, placed my hands where they yellow was indicated. The next thing I know, my hands were strapped into place, and I was injected with this yellow goo into my system. It didn't feel a thing. Probably was feeling too scared to even feel any other emotions.

As I followed the line, I could see humans on the side, evolving into aliens at their will, hurrying to that place where I came in from. Alien outfits of the colours on that station where I had been injected at. The line ended with a hall, where we sit and watch a 'lecture' on how to bring in more humans from my world into this world. I could only conclude that they were trying to trick people like me into this place and to stay here, becoming their slaves.

I couldn't really tell what happened, but I was following this 'ALIEN', some big boss of this industry where he explained his concept behind all this work.

I woke up.. How I wish I could go back to sleep and have an ending to this dream. It seems so bizarre. omg..

6 Oct 2013

This past whole month was absolutely unfair.

Yeah, that's what I would say to myself, if I had the chance to talk to myself in another form of me. How insane is that? But going back to that, I really did feel like I was more on a holiday when I am supposed to be studying.

It all started with a trip up to Brisbane for an Ultimate Frisbee tournament : Halibut 2013.
Followed by my aunts visit, to Falls Creek we went.
Following weekend was VMUC.
Momma then came for a two weeks stay.
AusMat friends from different parts of Aussie came over to Melbourne.

That's 5 weekends flushed down the toilet. I hadn't been studying ever since, I really have no idea how am I going to catch up with only 3 weeks remaining into this semester. OMG.