16 oct 2013

Sometimes I feel like a freak for being a loner.

But at the same time, I wouldn't know how to ask people out for a little hang out sessions when I know I would get turned down for some reasons. I would probably feel terrible for asking accompany when I know that they might be busy with their own life and that I needed them for that one point of time. I'd feel like I am selfish for not thinking on their behalf on their time line. Yet at the same time, I know I would have allocated time if they were to ask me out and appreciate that they had thought of me and would allocate some time to be with me.

Though honestly, I think I have been a loner for the whole of my life. People would think that I would place myself away from other people to show that I am alone, hoping I'd get some attention from them. But these days I know that if I do that, there is no doubt about it that I will be left there alone and lonely til the end of time.

Being alone can be a happy thing, it gives me ample amount of time to do whatever I want. I could easily finish studying and be ahead, I could have extra time to watch dramas and laze in bed for the whole day, I didn't have to pay attention to what people have to say and feel emotionally attached. A whole lot more too.

But being alone can be sad too. I wouldn't know who I should turn to when I need help, I would long to go out of outings and have fun laughing with a bunch of people, I would have to rely on my own opinion instead of getting feedbacks from others regarding that issue. I could even feel lonely when I am with a massive group of people who I may or may not know personally. I'd just zone out and feel like a phantom in the room.

Everyday in uni, I'd buy lunch and eat it in the library as I prepare myself to study as soon as I am done with my food. I don't have friends to hang out with, only going home late because of meetings or studying in the library. People I know in uni are more of the 'hi-bye' friends, people whom we have met somewhere through the uni days; classes and events. A small chat on how they have been and they had to rush off elsewhere.

Hrmmm.. maybe it's just me.