2013

was a blast. It was the year where I got to explore adulthood in the most 'self-realisation' way. I also believe that my English has deteriorated beyond repair. HAHAHAHA. That aside, I shall have a little blog post for myself to reflect on what had happened throughout this year that I can remember and could be memorable. :)

- I started to blog again
(Though occasionally I slack out more often than I should, thinking my petty life wasn't worth rambling on)
- I got an MVP award for Ultimate Frisbee
(Though really, it was only one game out of the entire year that I have been active. Til someone came up to me and said there were more than just a couple of times that I had been noted as MVP for the game and it wasn't just that one time. I really could not be any happier)
- Travelling with my housemates
(How awesome was that? I thought it was really amazing. Part of me feels like I found home, part of me feels like I have found friends whom we can remember for a very very long time. I love my housemates and being able to travel with them is just another step more amazing than it already is! We travelled to Brisbane and to Gold Coast, then recently a trip down to Lorne. So much love!)
- Using my brains with interactive games instead of plain video games
(I was lucky to have someone who knew someone who had a house full of board games as well as card games. Each time I go over, I have never ending options of games to pick and play from. Somehow, I managed to bring this frenzy into my own home as my housemates and I began to buy and collect games too, but mainly card games; board games were wayyyy tooo EXPENSIVE. But it brought us some bonding time between us housemates HEHE)
- Flying to Brisbane for the weekend for a team tournament
(LOL #YOLO We went there only wanting to beat our seeding, which we did. HAHA So much fun! I even stole the team's game disc and it's now sitting in my cupboard staring back at me..)
- Driving in Australia
(That trip to Brisbane&GoldCoast with my housemates. Twas' a nice time driving. Made me itch to get a car to drive around here)
- Get a summon in Australia
(Well, this made me NOT want to get a car afterwards. I wonder if this will stop me from applying for a TR/PR here.. gg)
- I cooked Lasagna
(With the help of my housemate and my bestie who came over for a visit. Also cooked alot more than the previous year. OH much proud of meself. :D)
- Had a friend visiting me from home
(NICOLE LEE.. I swear I thought you only came for the competition. But what the heck, you presence made me want to cry when I was sending you off at the airport. hehe but you cried instead of me. Love you lots <3)
- I shopped less for myself
(But I spent more on other people. I like giving)
- Amazing second year Zoology lab
(Seriously, I love it so much! It's like a museum on its own! Gahhhhhhhhhhh)
- Took a subject that had nothing to do with my major
(YOLO much? I took a first year Music with almost zero music background.. Needless to say, I didn't do too well but thank goodness I passed. The environment was nice though, really small class. The lecturer is genuinely wanting to help hehe)
- Took up more responsibilities than I could handle myself
(I really thought pushing myself to the limit would make me stretch out a little and eventually adapting to it. What a silly 20 year old I am..)
- Have more prominent food cravings
(From bubbletea to macarons to cakes and to creme caramel.. they are all desserts and they attack whenever they like! I can barely control them.. :X)
- Online shopping
(For a whole lot of nonsense. lol. But it's SO MUCH FUNNNNNN)
- Paid for a game on Facebook.
(Guilty as charged)
- Watched Legally Blonde!
(Oh Mai Gad, omaigad yu guise!)
- Made more friends!
(HOOREI buddies!! Though seriously you have to believe me, I find it a miracle that I have made friends especially when I had such a rough first year here. Like, THANK GOD!)
- Lost some friends
(I really don't have much to say, it really is my fault sometimes.. I'm sorry..)

Also, this year I learned that being blind is fine sometimes. Though it really does kill me on the inside when other do that to me. But I learned that it is actually fine to be oblivious sometimes. It allows me to worry less and I didn't have to dwell too much on that matter either. Otherwise I would end up over-thinking, and be extremely upset afterwards. :/

What else?

I dunno lol.

Though I still believe that spending money on good food is absolutely fine.

What is 2014 going to be like?
I'll be turning 21, hoping to embrace myself as who I am before I have to be a legit adult. But it really does sound like I'll be having a fun year. O wait, but everyone my age is turning 21 too. Aiyakk.. Sorry I can't be there for your big day! T.T But I love you lots. I really do. I just don't say it. Unless I really despise you, it really shows.. Hrmm.. But it's okay, even if I hate you, it doesn't matter because you are probably in your own little world anyways. Which is nice. My little world disappeared. Everything is a reality now. When I look at kids, I wish they would never grow up to learning how cruel reality really is. Though it's nice to watch their innocence while they are still a kid, it brings back fond memories of 'ahh, I remember how it used to be like being a kid'. But that would be a lie. Surely you can't remember what it was like being a kid, but you would want to believe that you remember what it felt like being a kid. Because you know things weren't as complicated as it is today. Sad. Sad. Ah...

I used to think that boys will only be interested in girls if they looked good. I thought I would end up being a loner for the rest on my life as I know my looks weren't anywhere near comparable with those pretty girls that the boys were interested in. Along the years as I grew older, I discovered that not all men think the same. I feel blessed to have met a few, who sees through beauty and embraces a woman's inner self. I truly feel that these men to find the right woman for them, so they can be loved for who they are as to who they appear to be.

Believing that someone is a better person than they ever thought would be, is a magical power that makes him or her have that intuition in wanting to be a better person. It doesn't need to be that special someone to do the magic, one just needs to believe it and show support to the other person when necessary. A friend, or a complete stranger, it works just the same. You will never know how your little words of encouragement could mean to the other person.

Though really, I just woke up and the first thing I did today was explore the world of Instagram. Still a daydreamer, I stalked beauty pageants and Victoria Secret's models. I really can't help it. Hahahahaha! Somehow it then occured to me that majority of the men, whom I will dub as BOYS still are attracted to girls who are pretty. Like honestly, how is it difficult for you to know the differences between hell and sincere happiness when in a relationship? I tend to be a little overprotective over my guy friends who had to go through breakups. I mean, they are sort of my bros, how can I possibly not feel pissed if they are upset for some reason? I even get the privilege of listening and understanding how the different the two genders "function" in a relationship. Most of the time I would end up betraying my own gender and be like, "THAT BITCH! Seriously, why did you even go after her in the first place? You're totally off better without her." But most of the times, its the guys who are suffering more than the girls.

Maybe I hang out too often with guys that I could technically feel their pain. But I saw the pain in a different point of view, I was the girl perspective but within the guy's mind. When guys fall in love, they have no clue what they are falling into. They would give their girls everything just to keep them happy, thinking this would make her stay. As long as she is around, he is happy.

Though really, I think that's a very BOY-characteristic. But wait, what about the girl? She will be extremely cautious with and choose carefully of who they want to be with. They make huge ass fusses when she doesn't get things her way. What worries her is that he wouldn't be interested in her anymore. Often a times, the girls are the ones with security issues (hence worrying about him losing interest). Honestly, this isn't everyone that I am talking about, this is merely a general description of whatever that comes off the top of my head.

A guy's mind is simple. If they have a problem, it stays in their head forever until he gets to solve it. This is the part where he would appear distant. What the girl would think is that he doesn't love her anymore.

He spends his time playing video games for hours (or doing his own stuff for hours). Girl would be like "You don't spend time with me anymore!"

There isn't anything that can work to make the other gender change to suit the other gender better. It is how the two understand the differences between the genders and make an in between agreement. I mean, there is no point arguing about something that you can't change. Heck, there is no point to even start an argument even.

Dear guys,

Please stop looking at those pretty face and think that she is a goddess. Stop, listen and think if her character is something you can deal with and not be that blind duck following and giving her everything to impress her. She has brains, don't let her looks fool you. If you marry her and she gets crazy while you get tired and bored, blame your younger self for getting you there.

Dear girls,

What is with the make up and attitude? Its not that difficult to understand guys you know. Not all of them are assholes, stop getting attracted to the wrong guys. Money may get you somewhere, but without a heart, you're going to suffer to keep the marriage up on your own.

But really, I am just blabbing this as I type along. I just hate it when people get married and then decide that they can't be together after sometime. What I hate the most is when they have kids together and decide to split. Way to go ya selfish "adults". You're ruining your kids life. >:(

My pet peeve?
Inconsiderate people.

The part of me that I hate most about myself?
My smartness.

There's this thing about ultimate frisbee that drives me in wanting to improve myself and hopefully get an MVP award someday. It really does seem like its the only thing left for me to have a credit in the things that I can actually do. There's also this other part where there is a drive where you would want to perform your best in order to help your team score every single point possible. Even if you feel like you can't contribute much to the team, you wouls even feel like its best for you to sit the point or even game out and let others who were more driven to be on the point. That unwritten rule of teamwork that remains unspoken, yet manages to fill into every individual's heart when they are in the team is remarkable. How is it even possible? Not to mention how intense the game could be, yet being elevated but spirited players on the sidelines cheering on their fellow teammates on the point too!

It does remind me of cheer sometimes. That unmatched level of spirit in the person as well as the team. Though I believe I am absolutely over with cheer as a passion. Yes, it is true that once a cheerleader, will always be a cheerleader. But there will come a point of time where you would just sit and have that calm emotion when you know its not something that you can reach for anymore. It isn't really the kind of disappointed feeling, but more of an acceptance. I feel absolutely pumped to cheer on my friends from the crowd but not so much of the envy that they get to wear those glitzy cheer uniforms and an extremely oversized cheer bow as well as that chance to prance about on that bouncy blue cheer mat. I can be a cheer mom for all you know, but that will be a thing for the future mother me to decide. There are times where I would feel that sense of regret where I should've continued doing certain stuff when I was much younger too. But that too, I caved in to acceptance.

My brain-iness, however is a question to ponder upon still. Am I believing my childhood made believe that I am a brainless child, or am I just too lazy to prove everyone wrong? Though really, I don't get why parents had to lie a complete superficial just so the kids will choose to believe the otherwise..? Blab.

I'm just wasting my time talking to myself, really. At least talking to my blog doesn't seem as manic as talking to myself in person. And really, twitter is seriously too short for me to blab at most of the time.

Melbourne Hat 2013. I finished 13th AGAIN! Out of 31 (or was it 32?) teams this time. What can I say? A-mae-zinnnnnnn! I got really judgemental with everything I did this tournament. That drive to improve is a little crazy. Thank god I did not consume any Red Bull, I'd probably really go crazy otherwise. I love how I get to meet new faces and create that bond just by playing ultimate frisbee. I got to meet so many familiar faces, people whom were in the same team last year, people whom I get to see once in a while through pick ups and other random trainings and the best; new people from other states in Aussie! Hehehe. So much love!

Wheeeeeeeeeee.

Results came back shitty as heck, btw.
Not sure what I can do about it.

1st December 2013

It used to be really easy to maintain positive energy and thoughts.

But that was ten years ago when there was nothing to worry about in the future. When the year was over and done with, all we had to do was play for three whole months before returning to a routine school; 7.30am to 1pm with occasional extra co-curricular activities which would end latest by 6pm. Which will then proceed with extra tuition classes which would start at about 8pm til 10pm. It was all a routine, everyone had the same time table. Only difference would be how much a person would spend studying and playing while they have random free time in between. Homeworks didn't seem as crazy as it is today, despite the number of classes we had to take then as compared to now.

I feels easily defeated with every little mistakes I do now. It feels as though there wouldn't be anything to back me up, in an event that everything goes wrong. Things back then would still be the same eventhough you messed up one odd day, simply because everyday was a routine. Aside from all those minor dramas in school that we had then, everything now seemed to be multiplied exponentially. One small mistake, would mean a disaster to the whole thing. It doesn't matter if you failed or did badly in one unit then, you would still move on to the next grade. It only comes to be an important thing as it prevents you from taking the next step to studying towards your intended interest. However, I learned that it still didn't matter if you did badly in one subject as long as you know what you are doing, everthing will still be alright. It even works in helping you identify what field you would suite best with.

I got paranoid once I was done with high school: "Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will this be the right decision?" I knew that I had a very high interest in the biology field. But today, three years since I made my decision, I feel like I have been lied to by my past self. My "profession" isn't bringing me anywhere.

Do I regret making the decision? Nope. In fact, I feel like I did the right thing by going with my heart. I knew very well I would not put in more effort if I had not picked something of my interest. Am I ace-ing it? Nope. But I enjoyed every single part of it. A lab full of taxidermy animals? That's like heaven for me!

No doubt about it, I feel like I am to blame that I have lead myself towards something that has literally no future. The science field doesn't need a person like me, who is a pass-er and just having fun, not being very serious about the things that I do. I could feel like I am doubting myself with every little thing I do these days, building courage to be myself is even more difficult too. Sometimes I wondered why was I so silly in picking something where I would lead myself towards a dead end. But times where I visit the zoo and look at the animals, make me feel like I had to do something about it. Times where I observe people of other profession with formal uniform, made me feel like I had to force myself to be a professional in every little aspect. Times where I could feel joy and sincere happiness when people interact with animals. Times where I feel how the animal and little children wouldn't know what to feel where "adults" takes advantages over the minors. Its a mixed emotion roller coaster ride. Sometimes, words couldn't describe how I would feel either. 

I wish I had the courage to be an advocate for little children and animals. But at the same time, I know how the world would not even give two glaces at these minors in need. It makes me feel 'if people can choose not to be good to such innocence, they would have the potential to be mean people to others as well'. Though really, what is the point of being mean to others? Deep down, we all know we are just like animals themselves; we each have our own different methods in surviving in this world. Doesn't this make us similar to animals then?

The differences in between two individuals are in such a huge range, that it blows my mind off. How is it possible that such a person could be like that, while others would be a whole different kind of person as well. My mind is so retarded that I immediately discriminate people who think that they are good people, to be bad people while I dig deeper at the bad people to look for their good side. I believe that there is a reason to why that person is misbehaving or is having a difficult being "normal". But if you give me a normal person to observe, I'd categorize them as mean, selfish and inconsiderate people.

God, you need to start taking away bad people and stop taking away the good people who are suffering because of these bad people.

But actually, there were some times where I wish I could swap my life with homeless people just so they can have my luxury for the day and feel better about themselves. I even mentioned: if I were to be rich one day, I'd probably go broke immediately for I know I'd rather give my fortune to those who needs it more than I would.

Sometimes I feel like the world is full of people who are mean, selfish and ignorant that I could not be stuffed being nice to people anymore. I don't trust myself with people, for I fear I will be turned against and I would have noone else but myself to blame for being so silly.

I worry waking up everyday, starting a conversation with someone not knowing what it would cost me. It is as though I am trying to protect that little true part of me buried, yet alive to not be contaminated by the evil reality of the world.

:/

Steve Irwin should have been alive.