1st December 2013

It used to be really easy to maintain positive energy and thoughts.

But that was ten years ago when there was nothing to worry about in the future. When the year was over and done with, all we had to do was play for three whole months before returning to a routine school; 7.30am to 1pm with occasional extra co-curricular activities which would end latest by 6pm. Which will then proceed with extra tuition classes which would start at about 8pm til 10pm. It was all a routine, everyone had the same time table. Only difference would be how much a person would spend studying and playing while they have random free time in between. Homeworks didn't seem as crazy as it is today, despite the number of classes we had to take then as compared to now.

I feels easily defeated with every little mistakes I do now. It feels as though there wouldn't be anything to back me up, in an event that everything goes wrong. Things back then would still be the same eventhough you messed up one odd day, simply because everyday was a routine. Aside from all those minor dramas in school that we had then, everything now seemed to be multiplied exponentially. One small mistake, would mean a disaster to the whole thing. It doesn't matter if you failed or did badly in one unit then, you would still move on to the next grade. It only comes to be an important thing as it prevents you from taking the next step to studying towards your intended interest. However, I learned that it still didn't matter if you did badly in one subject as long as you know what you are doing, everthing will still be alright. It even works in helping you identify what field you would suite best with.

I got paranoid once I was done with high school: "Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will this be the right decision?" I knew that I had a very high interest in the biology field. But today, three years since I made my decision, I feel like I have been lied to by my past self. My "profession" isn't bringing me anywhere.

Do I regret making the decision? Nope. In fact, I feel like I did the right thing by going with my heart. I knew very well I would not put in more effort if I had not picked something of my interest. Am I ace-ing it? Nope. But I enjoyed every single part of it. A lab full of taxidermy animals? That's like heaven for me!

No doubt about it, I feel like I am to blame that I have lead myself towards something that has literally no future. The science field doesn't need a person like me, who is a pass-er and just having fun, not being very serious about the things that I do. I could feel like I am doubting myself with every little thing I do these days, building courage to be myself is even more difficult too. Sometimes I wondered why was I so silly in picking something where I would lead myself towards a dead end. But times where I visit the zoo and look at the animals, make me feel like I had to do something about it. Times where I observe people of other profession with formal uniform, made me feel like I had to force myself to be a professional in every little aspect. Times where I could feel joy and sincere happiness when people interact with animals. Times where I feel how the animal and little children wouldn't know what to feel where "adults" takes advantages over the minors. Its a mixed emotion roller coaster ride. Sometimes, words couldn't describe how I would feel either. 

I wish I had the courage to be an advocate for little children and animals. But at the same time, I know how the world would not even give two glaces at these minors in need. It makes me feel 'if people can choose not to be good to such innocence, they would have the potential to be mean people to others as well'. Though really, what is the point of being mean to others? Deep down, we all know we are just like animals themselves; we each have our own different methods in surviving in this world. Doesn't this make us similar to animals then?

The differences in between two individuals are in such a huge range, that it blows my mind off. How is it possible that such a person could be like that, while others would be a whole different kind of person as well. My mind is so retarded that I immediately discriminate people who think that they are good people, to be bad people while I dig deeper at the bad people to look for their good side. I believe that there is a reason to why that person is misbehaving or is having a difficult being "normal". But if you give me a normal person to observe, I'd categorize them as mean, selfish and inconsiderate people.

God, you need to start taking away bad people and stop taking away the good people who are suffering because of these bad people.

But actually, there were some times where I wish I could swap my life with homeless people just so they can have my luxury for the day and feel better about themselves. I even mentioned: if I were to be rich one day, I'd probably go broke immediately for I know I'd rather give my fortune to those who needs it more than I would.

Sometimes I feel like the world is full of people who are mean, selfish and ignorant that I could not be stuffed being nice to people anymore. I don't trust myself with people, for I fear I will be turned against and I would have noone else but myself to blame for being so silly.

I worry waking up everyday, starting a conversation with someone not knowing what it would cost me. It is as though I am trying to protect that little true part of me buried, yet alive to not be contaminated by the evil reality of the world.

:/

Steve Irwin should have been alive.