5 months ago I was terrified of becoming useless, afraid to see that becoming a reality.

Today, I loathe at the fact that I am enjoying life with nothing to do or worry about.

Well, a voice in my head is telling me that I really don't deserve 'enjoying my life' just yet. There's so much I could achieve. If only I tried. I want to talk to somebody about my thoughts, where I won't be judged at all because the only voice I am hearing is me telling me how useless I am. There's a lot of negativity in this voice in my head, no positivity at all. It's definitely winning against my will to dampen it. Yeah.

I am very confused.

I really don't know what to do with my life! 😐

Strange how your closest buddy doesn't need to know how exactly you're doing. If you feel like its necessary to share, you'll just share whatever you feel like sharing. You spare unnecessary and unhappy faff from each other because they aren't that important or necessary.

'Friends' first question: how's life?
How do you even answer that? I mean sometimes things are hard to discuss and the fact that you haven't been talking for awhile, it just makes it that much harder to open up and share moments.

Awkward conversations where I'd try my best to avoid being part of because it makes me feel so much more horrible about myself; I have yet to figure myself out, let alone my life. How do you open up such a heavy topic with a 'friend'? I didn't quite want to be reminded about how horrible my life has been, but its the only thing I think of when people asks me that question as a conversation starter.

:/

Avoid, be honest or lie?

I also don't think people are actually that keen about me, when they ask 'how's life?' because I know it's purely for a conversation and that's about it. They're probably not going to remember much other than the awkward feeling I'd give them when I answer honestly.

Until I figure my life out, it's going to be a whole lot of awkwardness.

Hello bloggy,

I missed you. It's been rather lonely, but I am slowly getting used to it (or at least I hope). What is happening to me? I kinda wish there was a direct path towards how I should live my life. I would laugh at how silly I was to think that I am prepared for whatever life would throw at me. Well, reality is that I am at shock of how useless I am at life after university.

Little things seem to impact me rather strongly these days too; friends bringing up questions like 'what's up with you now?' and conversation with friends about life in general. I started question my every single thoughts and reason for my purpose in life.

I get really jealous of people with jobs too. Silly me, I know. But I question, 'what is it that they have, that I don't which allows them to get a job so quickly after graduation'. Though truthfully, I am probably only comparing against those who has live happening for them without really feeling bad for those who are still jobless.

Do you think it's my personality that doesn't quite fit a job requirements or is it my lack of experience? I barely have any confidence in myself, I don't quite know how to break out from my shell in order to get somewhere to even have a start in my life path.

Dreams only come true if you work you way towards it.

Would you consider me going back to study, some what like I am giving up on this 'job search stress'? Would you consider this thought as giving up on life altogether?

I'm feeling very lost. :(

But I found love within me, so that's nice.