I never really know what to think, precisely. To be the good person and be made used of, or the mean person and only giving when necessary. It always feels nice to be on the giving side. People may not appreciate goodness being given to them. But that nice feeling is there when you give them something that you think they may find it necessary. Even happier still that they show appreciation on the kindness that you give them. People don't really realise how much small kindness actually could brighten up somebody else's day or even life.

But of course with the cruelty or people these days, and also the mounting amount of hardship one has to endure, people just neglect being kind altogether. Even when people are just being kind just because they are kind, people who are being given to, would be in a cloud full of questions as it seems all so doubtful. Kids were used to be told, 'don't ever take candies from strangers'. Stereotype to that would be that, kids would most probably run far far away and will forever be afraid of these people who would be happy to give them candies. What if that person was genuinely nice, just wanting to see that smile on the child's face after accepting those lovely candies? Most importantly, why would people make use of kindness as a form of threat to others?

Hence, recently. My mind has been clouded on the fact if I should be a kind and not expect anything in return, or just be plain mean and be happy for myself without the help of others. Truth is, I don't see how it is actually possible to even search for happiness on my own. Happiness, is contagious. Happiness comes from the external as a reference to true happiness within. As insane as it sounds, it really does work that way. Even when you have a fancy car, you expect people to praise you for the fact that you have a fancy car, and that you loathe on that for your happiness. We all secretly wish to be happy in someway or another. We all try whatever we can to be happy. But it always seems to be that one thing that is the hardest to seek.

I have always felt the necessity to be as nice as I can, even if people don't appreciate it. Like how normal people would feel, of course I would feel that twang of disappointment when the nice deed was unappreciated. I would end up complaining about it, and that was about it. However, there had been some apparent issues whereby me being kind and nice would literally just eat me up from the inside out. It somehow did bring up that inner self defense within me, and making me being that evil person whom I always wish I could be, just to have a slight revenge on how I have been treated with. Be it by natural instincts to be nice, or by default that you should be doing what you should be doing, it feels like every effort you make, should be appreciated, in one way or the other. Ego being built by the day, everything else just doesnt seem like it made any sense anymore. Everything, just seemed like the wrong decision to even begin with.

Growing up, watching how my aunt is always the generous one with everything she could possible give, to seeing my mother coming home with plentiful of gifts and souveniers and also returning to her workplace with the same amount of gifts but only replaced with local goods, being nice and kind feels like it is definitely something I would follow naturally. As I grow up, with more people related problems piling up, I would go back and seek comfort from my mother and aunt. One advice that I constantly hear from the both of them:

"You can't always be nice to people, you need to be cunning so that they won't make use of you."

Which ultimately confuses me from the ends of my hair strands down to the tips of my toenails. They do tell me to make use of people whenever necessary too. Which completely runs the opposite direction to where my initial principles were. It wasn't something I could avoid accepting either. Life was getting more and more difficult, people of all kinds were beginning to show more prominent human characters and personalities that were literally frightening the daylights out of me.

There is still so much more to life than this!! D;

I shall return to my own land of Rainbows. :)

I absolutely love my home desktop. This screen size is something I wish I could game with every single time I game. The keyboard is also a proper keyboard, which is almost perfect to game with. Also very unlikely that this would overheat as fast as the laptop. Not to forget the speakers attached to this desktop. Oh myyyyyyy. Bro only upgraded this when I left for Aussieland. Every single time I come home, all I see is him being plunged into his own workspace with his macbook, this lonely sad magestic desktop is just sitting there in the living area with it's screen BLACK.

Hence I thought it would be awesome if I installed Left 4 Dead 2 into this desktop and have a ball at it while I am back. kekeke

It always feels like there are just too much happening in my life that I just couldn't be bothered talking about it sometimes. It does feel like I am bragging about how I have things to do and pretty much living my life there in Melbourne. It does feel like I couldn't really connect with my friends back here too. Whenever they start talking about random stuff, it would be absolutely normal to just crash in and join their random conversation. But I just felt out of place, and ended up zoning out. My heart flutters, wanting to explode and share with them, my awesome memories and experiences there in Aussieland. Part of me felt like, if I were to spill the story of my life over the sea, it would be as though I am boasting about it.

Not everybody will be interested in listening to your heavenly-like boastful experiences that they don't get to experience themselves. I even secretly wished that I could package everyone abroad to where I am, and having them to experience the same memorable experiences as I had. Self experienced fun and pain, who would want to go through that alone? :(

It does gets depressing sometimes. But as long as you have one or two friends who will be there by your side throughout the whole ordeal, it is presumably fine, no?

It feels like my complaining days have returned.

I have been trying to evade from complaining as much as I can, but of course, these complaints have nowhere else to come out from but to be exposed and mentioned somewhere. Just the mention of it satisfies me. If it wasn't for me complaining about not being able to blend it, then it is me complaining about how someone else is the factor to me continuing my journey. It feels as though I simply could not accept the fact that there is somebody in my way, congesting my path towards my goals.

In all honesty, I like working alone. But I am also aware that there are things to be done when it involves others. The normal complaints a person would say: why are we including this person in our work when he/she has done nothing but being present in the form of NAME. Or, we might end up complaining how incompetent they are when it comes to producing the work, and you are the one person who has to do EVERYTHING.

Is this not part of life? People like these will be all around us. Eventually, we too learn to be them. Simply because you know if you did put in a 100%, your effort will almost NEVER be recognised. What is the point of doing something with your heart, when the others doesn't give a crap about it at all? There is no way that you should be constantly at their ears, telling them each and every single detail in perfecting something on their part. They, will find you annoying, and will give 0 effort, or probably do something that would just ruin your part as well. Work.

When I am given a task, I will think and consider if it's a task worth my time on. When I decided that it wasn't, I literally give it 25% of my effort, as I see no benefit it working my bum off for it. But when I decided that it will be a task worthy of my time, I will give my all. My only goal would be to complete it, the best way that I could. This would be the task where I would spend my time worrying and pondering about how tragic it would be if it isn't done perfectly. This, would also be the place where I would start complaining tremendously.

Fact that I know I have 'work' to do, fact that I know I have dedicated myself into my role, fact that I have decided that this will be something worth my time on, it makes me extremely agitated.

It doesn't make sense. I just feel frustrated, not being able to do my work and complete it. Yet I can't help but to feel that way, cause I fail to find my way around it. Being independent is a whole different story, I take it to the ultimate seriousness. I try my best to not look for help, and I will normally fail when I don't. I didn't want to be seen as somebody who will annoy the crap out of someone, just because I can't get it done on my own. I don't want people to think that I am taking for granted of their kindness in helping me out.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'd rather die than to stay in this mess. But I know, if I don't learn from this, I will never grow up into a proper adult, and will always be that silver spoon fed child. I don't want to be that spoilt brat, I want to be an independent woman for myself.

What should I do?

Guns.

The only thing that comes along with it is 'Blood Bath'.

As a person who only like playing FPS games (First Player Shooter) like Team Fortress 2, and Left 4 Dead 2, guns are a muse to me. I would get ecstatic whenever I get to have a hand on a good gun, normally the assault rifle, AK-47 or a sniper rifle. Why? Because it feeds my soul whenever I get to kill enough. That satisfactory feeling when you could feel when you kill someone with that good gun in hand. How is that not possible to enjoy? Headshots? Using melee weapons to kill people? HOW IS THAT NOW FUN?!

Then again, this is after all video games based. This should never be implemented into reality. Coming from a country that has a ban with ownership of guns, I know how dangerous a gun is. One shot at the right place, and that person is dead. Logically saying, there is no way a video game could be made if there is not realism in it. Of course, there has to be a reality to it, to provide people with a virtual made-believe feeling. But we all know that this kind of things are inhumane in reality.

Initially when I heard of the news about the mass shooting in America, I was oblivious about it. Part of me felt like, 'it's not my country, it's nothing to do with me'. Then recently I have been on YouTube, and I came across videos about debates regarding gun bans in America. I felt a relieve that they are finally implementing it, or at least a thought of implementing it. What shocks me most, was the intense debate that was going on, because of this thought.

As a person who plays shooting games and enjoying it, I agree that guns should not be in the hands on citizens. If it's the reason : 'we people need to protect ourselves from the harm of other people', I would say that you need not worry if you have your trust with your government that you have elected. Why would you need guns when you know you have policemen around, and that they are supposed to give you protection when needed. And if everyone has no guns, why do we need to be afraid of other people?

Aren't we all humans? Aren't we all the same? We all watch movies about psychopaths who owns guns and would go around killing in whatever way they could, often slowly and in a very gruesome way too. Yet, I don't understand why do we still need to have the need for guns. When guns fall into the wrong hands, there is no telling what a person can do with it. EXAMPLE, mass shooting in a few places in America. How can you feel safe knowing that someone has that item that could threaten to end your life in any given second?

Imagine if everyone is scared, and everyone has guns, and everyone starts doubting each other.. would this end up as the game similar to Hunger Games? Except with GUNS? Where it only takes one perfect shot to end one's life? Why can't we leave the guns to the proper authorities to handle them? Why America, Why?

During that debate, they kept bringing up statistics and examples of other troubled countries into discussion. One that I caught was that women in India were signing petition to have rights to own guns against violent men. Then in Mexico, criminal rates are in high statistical results even though they have a ban in owning guns. What I would say that, it's the government who is failing to provide protection for its people. It's your own country, for heaven's sake. Who else could you look for protection other than your own government?

If I ever had the chance to have a gun in my hand, I really wouldn't be surprised if I would end up in jail just because I shot someone in the head just because I feel threatened, or simply because I feel like it and then give a statement and say I FELT THREATENED, and I get freed.

With that said, I am going back to my virtual world and shoot some people.

This, is probably the best time to write a blog post. My mind is 95% sleeping, with only my eyes being wide open and my brains being 3% alert. Calculation doesn't even make any sense, bet whatever I am going to say next, won't make any sense either.

Does anyone actually reads my blog? Or am I plainly imagining audiences who are interested in my petty life. Even when I managed to capture a couple of new readers, but I am very sure people will end up getting bored of what they are reading. Cause all I do, is write passage long crap about my train of random thoughts.

Recently I have realised that I have established myself a kingdom of my own. One where I spend most of my time with, parallel to the real world. Well obviously this is not something one can talk about as a normal day to day conversation. People would think that I have completely lost it to be talking about something THIS DEEP out of the blue. Also obviously nobody would be interested in listening to me talk rubbish about myself. I used to think that, 'owh well, nobody is going to realise my existence anyways, might as well just live in my own world' to 'owh? The real world still exists?' ..

This sounds bad. But that's what it is. It feels like I have managed to make my world a reality, instead to having the reality as my world. It was my way of comforting myself through tough times where I really had nothing I could have control of. It was more towards me, accepting the cruelty of reality by running away from it.

In my world, everything is fine. There is nothing to worry about, nothing actually matters at all. It was more of a state where I completely zone out from reality, feeling no burden and there was no problems. I would imagine seeing raindowed hues in the sky, with fluffy clouds and unicorns with wings flying about, soft cuddly teddy bears and little pixies leaving trails of glittery dust as they flap their wings about.

I think I am in big trouble for having such thoughts and mind set.

Yet, I can't help it.

I live my thoughts in that dreamy state of mine, and whenever something good happens in reality, I would descend from my state, to saviour and appreciate those glorious moments before popping back into my own little world.

I call it Rainbowton.

As I walk through the overly crowded bridge, hoping to get towards the Botanical Gardens before the stroke of midnight, losing handful of people as we advanced each hundred metres. The wonders of the rush, trying to get to a place right in time for the perfect view of the stroke of midnight into the new year, 2013. Given up hope, knowing it was impossible to reach there on time, but worried that I will be lost amongst the crowd, I decided to follow anyhow. Wondered how the other behind were catching up, but I fell into the mindset that they were old enough to manage on their own. If in any case I have fallen behind, and disappeared into the crowd, nobody would even noticed.. perhaps.

It was a chance, to disappear and never return. But there isn't any reason to do so either. It is after all the new year. As soon as the academic year reached it's term, I begin to worry about how I would survive this year. Eventhough I may have gotten acquainted to this place, this lifestyle. But everything ahead seems uncertain, and the only barricade I have, was me, myself and I.

What I remembered from the year 2012, is full of ridiculous stories. Stories filled with hatred, confusion and depression. They were all self inflicted, too. Which makes it even more ridiculous. Looking at how people made their new year's resolutions, I never thought that they could ever be fulfilled. It somehow always ends up being forwarded to the following year. Even when I came back during my winter break, with a 'this semester's goals', with the list of things including...

*making cinnamon rolls

*make lasagna

*go swimming

*go gym

*find a volunteer work

*work at RSPCA / zoo

*get a job

I got none of them done. Instead, I did the total opposite of all those. I completely stopped cooking, and I couldn't even bother going out to search for a job. I keep giving myself excuses and I was tormenting myself that I will never be accepted to get a job. Mother kept telling me that I should get a job, but I kept slithering around her and out of it, almost completely. But the guilt of me spending the money given to me, was enough to make me wanting to starve myself. 

2013. 

I fear you.