As I walk through the overly crowded bridge, hoping to get towards the Botanical Gardens before the stroke of midnight, losing handful of people as we advanced each hundred metres. The wonders of the rush, trying to get to a place right in time for the perfect view of the stroke of midnight into the new year, 2013. Given up hope, knowing it was impossible to reach there on time, but worried that I will be lost amongst the crowd, I decided to follow anyhow. Wondered how the other behind were catching up, but I fell into the mindset that they were old enough to manage on their own. If in any case I have fallen behind, and disappeared into the crowd, nobody would even noticed.. perhaps.

It was a chance, to disappear and never return. But there isn't any reason to do so either. It is after all the new year. As soon as the academic year reached it's term, I begin to worry about how I would survive this year. Eventhough I may have gotten acquainted to this place, this lifestyle. But everything ahead seems uncertain, and the only barricade I have, was me, myself and I.

What I remembered from the year 2012, is full of ridiculous stories. Stories filled with hatred, confusion and depression. They were all self inflicted, too. Which makes it even more ridiculous. Looking at how people made their new year's resolutions, I never thought that they could ever be fulfilled. It somehow always ends up being forwarded to the following year. Even when I came back during my winter break, with a 'this semester's goals', with the list of things including...

*making cinnamon rolls

*make lasagna

*go swimming

*go gym

*find a volunteer work

*work at RSPCA / zoo

*get a job

I got none of them done. Instead, I did the total opposite of all those. I completely stopped cooking, and I couldn't even bother going out to search for a job. I keep giving myself excuses and I was tormenting myself that I will never be accepted to get a job. Mother kept telling me that I should get a job, but I kept slithering around her and out of it, almost completely. But the guilt of me spending the money given to me, was enough to make me wanting to starve myself. 

2013. 

I fear you.