It feels like my complaining days have returned.

I have been trying to evade from complaining as much as I can, but of course, these complaints have nowhere else to come out from but to be exposed and mentioned somewhere. Just the mention of it satisfies me. If it wasn't for me complaining about not being able to blend it, then it is me complaining about how someone else is the factor to me continuing my journey. It feels as though I simply could not accept the fact that there is somebody in my way, congesting my path towards my goals.

In all honesty, I like working alone. But I am also aware that there are things to be done when it involves others. The normal complaints a person would say: why are we including this person in our work when he/she has done nothing but being present in the form of NAME. Or, we might end up complaining how incompetent they are when it comes to producing the work, and you are the one person who has to do EVERYTHING.

Is this not part of life? People like these will be all around us. Eventually, we too learn to be them. Simply because you know if you did put in a 100%, your effort will almost NEVER be recognised. What is the point of doing something with your heart, when the others doesn't give a crap about it at all? There is no way that you should be constantly at their ears, telling them each and every single detail in perfecting something on their part. They, will find you annoying, and will give 0 effort, or probably do something that would just ruin your part as well. Work.

When I am given a task, I will think and consider if it's a task worth my time on. When I decided that it wasn't, I literally give it 25% of my effort, as I see no benefit it working my bum off for it. But when I decided that it will be a task worthy of my time, I will give my all. My only goal would be to complete it, the best way that I could. This would be the task where I would spend my time worrying and pondering about how tragic it would be if it isn't done perfectly. This, would also be the place where I would start complaining tremendously.

Fact that I know I have 'work' to do, fact that I know I have dedicated myself into my role, fact that I have decided that this will be something worth my time on, it makes me extremely agitated.

It doesn't make sense. I just feel frustrated, not being able to do my work and complete it. Yet I can't help but to feel that way, cause I fail to find my way around it. Being independent is a whole different story, I take it to the ultimate seriousness. I try my best to not look for help, and I will normally fail when I don't. I didn't want to be seen as somebody who will annoy the crap out of someone, just because I can't get it done on my own. I don't want people to think that I am taking for granted of their kindness in helping me out.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'd rather die than to stay in this mess. But I know, if I don't learn from this, I will never grow up into a proper adult, and will always be that silver spoon fed child. I don't want to be that spoilt brat, I want to be an independent woman for myself.

What should I do?