26 Aug 2013

The previous weekend was all about me travelling to Brisbane for an ultimate frisbee tournament with a bunch of asians and one white guy. Leaving on the evening of Friday, arriving home 1.30am on Monday. It feels pretty hard core that we were travelling places just to have an experience playing ultimate with other people.

It was horrible. Hahahahaha. Nahh. It wasn't horrible. I just made it sound bad simply because I knew I didn't do too well there when I know I could do so much better. With me being extremely harsh on myself, it made me scrutinize everyone else on the team and just observing how they fared through the tournament. Developed love amd hate feelings for certain things, and I am not sure why. I remember being absolutely angry at myself for doing a terrible performance this tourney. People asked me if I wanted to play on the point, I was unmotivated, I only shook my head and watched them proceed.

Sometimes I wish I could take things in a more positive mindset. But that thought only made me alienate myself from the world. I sit in a room full of people laughing with each other while I feel lost and alone.

Well, I guess that is just my problem and that it should be fixed.

Sunburn and a sore elbow, worth it?
I'd say yes. It's still a ultimate frisbee tournament, how is it not fun at all? Watching professionals playing in person, is pretty fascinating. Bumping into familiar faces and see how well they play on the field only makes me want to be better and be somewhat like them. That vast level of skills in ultimate frisbee, never really mattered. As long as the spirit is there, it beats everything else and be worth every little effort given. :)

21 Aug 2013

I have only ten minutes to type this.

Would have to say, my course is getting more interesting as I get to have more hands on experiences with DEAD animals. At least I get to do dissections and have some contact with animals to learn about them. Certain things I do, are pretty gross. There are times where I wish I didn't have to do the dissection, cause I was too afraid to puncture that shit and we wouldn't have a spare to work with.. yeah. That kinda sucks, really. I happen to be sitting at the last bench, where we only have 2 pairs of people instead of the usual 4 pairs. Which means we actually do get spare specimen to work with. I am actually beaming on the inside to this advantage. Just like the week before, we had to bust open a land snail and sea snail to look for their tongue. As you know how mushy they are, smashing them carefully was almost impossible. I smashed 2 snails on my own and I found nothing. My lab partner smashed another 2, and couldn't find anything. By then, we already used up our spare specimen.. damnit. So we could only guess and pretend that we managed to pull them tongues out and view them under the microscope.

I personally think that I tend to get pretty lazy when it comes to lab sessions. I would do whatever that is necessary in the fastest possible, just so I can leave lab early. I used to be the first few to leave lab the earliest. I then realise, by being the last person to leave the lab, I can have the demonstrators as well as the lecture's FULL ATTENTION and ask whatever I wanted to ask. Also, I get so much spare time to dissect more stuff. This week, we had to dissect a fish, and dig out it's guts. I was so afraid that I would smash it's insides and find nothing just like the previous week. Which is worse, cause we didn't have any spare fishes to dissect this week. :X

Hrmm.. not sure if only 4 demonstrators and 1 lecturer in the lab would help out much, cause I am clueless as heck most of the time and they are usually busy teaching other clueless kids all over the lab. :( One gross thing that we had in the lab today, was deskinned head of a dog, two to three sheeps and pigs. Last week, we also dissected dead starfish. I got to dissect an extra sea urchin by myself LOL.

9 minutes is up. I am still not done blabbing about my awesome lab.
I was really depressed that I was one mark away from a distiction for a similar unit to this last semester. This unit is actually much more difficult compared to the previous one. It pretty much is the continuation of that unit, where we put body parts to all the animals that we learned last semester.

Times up.

Bio2242 :D 0

16 aug 2013

Apparently you can find everything on the Internet. I have been trying to search for answers from the Internet, rather than consolidating with a peer, or someone who may be wiser than me. For an example, I just googled the word 'consolidate' to see if the word matches in with the sentence as that word merely popped up in my head as I was typing that sentence down.

I can't sleep. I feel paranoid with overwhelming thoughts regarding the unknown future.

It has probably stuck by me for a quite a period of time already, without me realising it. It seems to be hurting me so much now, that the initial happiness I had with it, didn't seem worth it at all. It brought me a whole new life, yet at the same time it was draining my soul by the day. Somewhat like a feeling being all happy amongst the clouds, then suddenly it disappears and now yoy are free falling to the ground with no safety parachut whatsoever. Kinda feel like you never had that luxurious moment if you knew you had to pay for it..

Feel. That's an expression of emotions that could not be spoken of. It didn't seem like it would do any good by mentioning. In fact, my having a go at sharing that thought gave me an impression that I would cause unnecessary trouble instead. Even when deep down in my heart knew it was better to voice it out. But I guess, by doing so, it's another heavy price to pay.. apparently.

Shunned. I have only my blog to express myself however I want to without having that rejection and disapproval from the public eye.

Fight against this negativity. I can't. Or I guess in your point of view, I choose negativity over positivity. I swear for the first 18 years of my life, positivity was 75% of the time expressed. It was only not too long ago where I came to acceptance that I had only given myself a separate perfect world to get away from, realising that reality was nothing like that. Reality seems to be grabbing my soul, crushing every little dream and fantasy that I have into speckles of dust.

Why can't I be upset?

I don't want to fight anymore.

13 aug 2013

I guess my problem is that I can't let go of the past, and I let the past affect what I do today.

9 Aug 2013

I finally had my chance to watch Breaking Dawn part 2.

I somehow feel over the moon that I finally got to watch this after for a million years. HAH. No but really. I guess I somehow knew that I must watch this eventually. I just let it wait, and wait and wait and wait. Knowing that I have read the book series for like twice through the whole thing, I really do think watching the movie was a must. IT IS JUST A FULFILLMENT TO FILL.

I feel so much better now. This is ridiculous. Why does this one movie make me feel so much better, even when it clearly is a pretty badly produced movie. The movie gained so much interest as compared to the book. Then as a 14 year old, I didn't get the craze of this super thick black book with this random red apple in a clasp on it's cover titled, twilight. I was in Taiwan when I thought I should have a go at this book. Then, I was a book addict, but I wouldn't even bat an eye on those super thick books. It was a trend back at home, so I figured that it should be good. From then on, I remember my mother scolding me for not putting down that book, skipping meals and not bothering about the world in any way.

Because it wasn't cheap, I had to borrow them from friends. Then I thought, since I am so hooked to this, might as well buy to have a reminder of how much I was into this frenzy. So, I bought all 4 of them, and they are sitting in my cupboard as trophies or a symbolic remembrance of those days.

In book 2, I swapped over to Team Jacob. In book 3, I was both. Just then, the movie came out. Then everyone started grabbing a book to read and then watching the movies. EVERYONE had to have a comment about it. I personally thought the first movie was terrible. Probably cause it did not manage to capture the book's essence properly. I couldn't be bothered watching the second movie cause I was about 17-ish and thought it was just bad and I was being a rebellious teen. LOL

Now I am 20. I probably forgotten how good the book was and was absolutely thrilled about the movie cause it brought back memories of what I actually read. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I guess I was at that transition phase where I was slightly embarrassed of myself for actually reading the whole series for like twice and everyone was commenting on how silly the book was.

TRUE. The romance seems really cheesy and everything doesn't make much sense. HAHAHA But hey, it's just a book and it's only a movie. You still read it, you still watched it. Whatevs, hypocrite.

YEAYYY. I can die in peace now.

I think..

8 Aug 2013

Today, is a weird day.

Then again, everyday is weird. Does that make it normal? Making everyday somewhat different from the one before, is it even possible to have something, a norm that would last forever?

I like being busy. It keeps me occupied, a distraction from my self thoughts. Which I do believe that is a poison to my own system. I tend to overthink everything, that it is close to impossible to have absolutely nothing going through my head for one single moment. My face might appear blank, but truthfully there is just too much going through my head that I couldn't say them out in words.

Can I say that I have a fear interacting with people?

I really don't know what to think about when I have a one to one conversation with someone whom I am barely close with. It may be true that I can have a conversation going. But does that short conversation make any difference? How else would people learn and garner experience, if not for communicating with others?

What if the conversation were all lies? It probably doesn't matter.

But what is it, that really matters?

I find it peaceful when I sit here with music blasted into my ears, with zero interaction. Have I become an introvert?

Though I know deep in my heart, I yearn for that connection with someone.. Someone who I know wouldn't mind listening to my crap, regardless of the situation. Even with these people judging me, I would still know that they knew who I really am beneath this skin of mine.

My heart screams for attention, my mind tells me to be cautious in the things that I do.

Eventually, things will be alright.. right?

6 aug 2013

I need to learn how to be human.

Sometimes when I talk to different people, I realise how different I can be and how much I would have hated myself if I were to be the other person.

5 Aug 2013

My week one has gone by in daze. All I remember is me worrying about my future and I was all depressed. For the weekend, I had a little escape, and went for several frisbee "events". Not too sure how to put it in proper words, but they were two trainings and a game.
 

Sunday Uni league was a bummer. The field is located at some isolated place where it is only reachable if you have a car. The field was a mudpool where it is almost impossible to stay dry and clean from the mud. What's worst was that for that one time that I needed to use a toilet badly, we were at a field where they had their toilets locked. I guess the rain made the mud even muddier. Cleats were buried foot deep into the fields and it was rather difficult to run properly. Then again, it provided a massive fun for people to layout EVERYWHERE. LOL! It's funny. Like how often you get to play a proper game, under the rain?
 

I guess I was just being a princess. My bag is completely drenched in rain, and is coated with mud. Thank goodness I have a spare bag to use for my daily things. I really did not expect the field to be muddy and for it to rain and then make it muddier. Well, it was pretty depressing. I thought I had the chance to be a handler yesterday. Haha. GUESS NOT. Ahhh.. when will I ever improve?
 

I literally passed out as soon as I was done with shower yesterday. I had so much running and interactions to do, my body just took a beating and I slept for a very very long time. Hahahahaha. Best out of the whole week. :)
 

Though it was fun, but it is kinda risky at the same time. I couldn't do any academic related things that weekend. In all honesty, I really wish I can do this throughout the whole semester; study hard during the weekdays and play hard during the weekends, not bothering about academics for the weekends. That sounds wildly dangerous.. Hrmmm.. Plus, I already have several weekends where I can't have any academic things to do at all. I would definitely have to finish it before the weekend comes in. More library time, perhaps.
 

It's Monday again! And I have quite alot in my plate to handle. Its only week two.. Hrmmm..

2 Aug 2013

Remember clearly, the wrong things but not the right. Remembering how is embarrasses us more than how it makes us feel at that moment in time. Is it because the negativity within, that caused the negativity to outweigh the goodness in things? Or is it just plain habit?

I remember that when I was younger, whatever I did, somehow reflects as me trying to attract attention to myself. I saw, that it was a bad thing to attract attention to myself. I had an impression whereby doing something to get somebody's attention and pity, is not a right thing to do. Today, I could only question; why did I behave likewise?

For all you know, I could be some stuck up bitch putting shit and being a pain in the ass to everyone around me and find complete joy out of it. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I would always know that it is not a good to take things from others and everyone should be treated nicely. The slightest hint of me being a trouble to someone, could literally drive me insane.

Yet I learned, that with me feeling upset for not being treated the way I think I deserve, will feel much better than having me to cause an inconvenience to others.

Then it makes me wonder, if it is worthy to maintain with what I have, or to leave it behind and start a new.

I can never think in between, somehow. Cause it will make me think everything in detail as it all sum up to the bigger picture of either scenario. Which, outweighs the other? Which, is more worthy? Which, makes me happy..?

1 Aug 2013

Rejection.

How would you react to rejection? How would you reject? How would you know if you are rejecting? Why rejection? 

Is there even an answer to this?

I can only tell that hearts will be broken, when someone comes into realisation that all those gestures would have meant otherwise. Hiding the truth from the said, simply because it was the better option than a complete rejection. A white lie. Keep it in and forever hold your peace, or make a statement and crush hearts and dreams?

It's really odd having a break on Thursdays. It is in between schooling days of 9am, my body would automatically wake me up at 8.20am and then I will just sit there, wide awake. I could have studied, but it's week 1.. there is barely anything to study! Also I spent 4 hours in the library yesterday, from 11am til 3pm. By right, it is a peak hour between 12-1, would normally be extremely difficult to get a place at the computers then. But duhhhhhhh.. week 1. Literally nobody goes to thr library.. it's a good practice to get the habit kick in for the rest of the semester, I guess. But I spent my off day today, watching movies and learning a dance.

What's retarded about it is that I didn't even get to do that when I was on my winter holidays. I had been going everywhere that I barely used my laptop. LOL.

I always say, 'I am a loner, I don't have friends in uni'. Technically, it is true. But of course this is dependent on how you define "friends". Cause I don't know what it truly means. I have people who I can just say hi and have random conversations with. But not friends who would call me out for a hangout session and have long talks about life's frustrations. With that, I succumbed into my own little world, where I sit alone in the library, and spend hours working on my study notes. At least it keeps me occupied, and not feeling all depressed about how I don't get to hang out with people and have a proper social life.

In all honesty, I get extremely jealous when my housemates have friends calling them from overseas or when they get to go out on some random get together with their own friends. Or when I meet other people and they te me wondrous adventures of them with their own group of friends. Then I'll go like, 'yeahh.. I guess my best friend is my books and coloured pens.. as well as my frisbee discs..'.

Then again, I guess it really is my fault for not putting in effort to make those lasting friendships. But I can't be blamed for being unreasonably scared for putting in effort, to only getting treated in a different way.. that, is just sad.

Ultimate frisbee, really is my only source of life beyond books. My non-asian friends all come from ulti.. gg.

Still don't know what to do with my degree. It seems so easy for the locals to get jobs here. With my dumb brainless results, also my status as an international student.. I really do forsee that it is going to be extremely difficult for me to get a job. My only hope now, is that I will remain strong enough to pursue my dreams, the way I planned. It really does seem absolutely ridiculous now.. but I have after all come so far.. the only thing left for me to do is to push on, regardless.

:/