PMS makes me

1. Hate myself to the max.
2. Hate everyone else to the max.
3. Be unreasonable.
4. Short tempered.
5. Feel depressed.
6. Tired easily.
7. Crave for certain food, by food I mean sweet stuff only.
8. Not be stuffed by anything anyone bothers saying.
9. Be bolder with what I say and do.
10. Ask questions that doesn't have any connection with whatever we were talking just moments ago.
11. Not know how to finish my sentences properly.
12. Get jealous easily.
13. Wonder why is everyone retardedly dumb.
14. Think that I am the worst person in the entire world.
15. Highly emotional.
16. Think alot and question almost everything.
17. Feel uncomfortable.
18. Confused.
19. Insecure.
20. Retarded.

But pms takes place at least one week before it really comes, which then leads to a following 5 days of absolute discomfort especially on the first three days of the cycle. That's pretty much two weeks out of the whole month. Does it mean, a woman isn't her true self for about half her time as a person? What about menopause? Isn't that like an absolute change to her body and that it will take a toll on her both mentally and physiologically as well? What about pregnancy and childbirth? :O

I am getting paranoid.

But my question is, when exactly am I my true self?

26 November 2013

How do you put it down in words?

People say, time will heal wounds. But the thing is, nobody said that scars would fade away. It is as though it is a remembrance of what has happened in the past that caused the scar to exist. What if the pain along with the scar never heals?

Childhood fears and worries will accentuate as the person age. Unless, if the problem is encountered and faced at an earlier stage then the problem would be resolved. But if the pain remains the way it is within a person, it adds up and it could practically ruin this person. It is as though they have been moulded to have this fear within their lives, thinking that there is never a way out of this problem. They eventually shape their life around this problem, sometimes hoping to suffocate the problems into being non-existant. Sometimes it seems as though they are lying to themselves thinking that the problem isn't real and that it is only a phase that will soon pass. But is this really true?

I have always had this fear of being blamed for doing something I had not done; somehow a form of perfectionist that I feel like I should be. In my eyes, there would be no flaws in perfection. But in reality, there isn't such thing as perfection. I would be the first person to blame when things are done wrongly and if it was definite that I was the cause of the fault. But if ever I feel like something out there that will point their fingers on me, saying that I was the fault to the problem yet I had nothing to do with it.

What happened today, was something that had been stuck in my head since the moment it happened. I was crossing the road when the man was already blinking. Seemingly the person I was walking with decided it was fine to walk anyways, I trusted the decision and walked along. I was already tired, but I tried hurrying on to the other end, as I could see the car wanting to make a turn into the street.  But the driver decided she was impatient and honked at me!

Well, the honk was really unexpected and it really did shocked me. So instinctively, I shouted at that person who told me to hustle along the crossing and said "SEE! THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T CROSS WHEN THE RED MAN IS BLINKING!!" I immediately regretted how I got it out in words.

All I did was to comply to someone who I trusted to lead and then an unexpected turn came from nowhere decided to scare me and blame me for hogging their road/time which then leaded to me protecting myself claiming it wasn't my mistake at all. I really didn't have to scream. I knew that But I did, and it does explains something that I am not too certain of.

First of all, I should have insisted in staying and waiting for the next green man to appear. Second, that fat woman shouldn't be honking because pedestrians have the right of way here in Australia. It wasn't as if I was walking slow on purpose. Pfft.

Thinking about it, sometimes I really feel like I give myself too many reasons to back myself up to prove that I wasn't at fault. But given sufficient evidence to my fault, I really wouldn't have two thoughts about arguing with it and admit that I was wrong immediately (or in other words, I am growing up to be a woman.. hehehe)

But of course, as a human, anything can be right. Which I find, is a piece of bullshit.

There is just so many things going through my head right now, but nothing comes through those thoughts. All they have been and could possibly remain, are just thoughts on their own. It's so difficult for me to make them come true. Part of me feels the fear of the unknown, not knowing what could it actually do to change the course of the future for me and the other part of me just refuse to leave this comfort zone of mine. Every little new adventure I take, feels like I might be doing something wrong. If it ever does go right, it is a blessing for me. Maybe it's because I still feel as though I don't deserve any good that can happen to me. It feels too comfortable to leave and create another new path. It feels like there wouldn't be any more time for me to regain my pace if I ever do flunk in anything that I do. Everything right now, is at a pending phase.. It's just stuck there in my mind and I don't know how to find that courage to bring it out.

13 November 2013

There are days where I feel extremely bold. Days where I couldn't be bothered about what people would think of me, days where I'd like to show the world that its okay to be completely abnormal, days where I would go all out and do everything I've always dream of doing. That one particular day when I wish to be spectacular and that everyone remembers that one thing that I did that no one else would ever dare trying.

But there are other days where I feel like hiding under my blankets, never wanting to leave the bed ever. Days like these feel like there was no reason to be awake, even. Days where you just don't have that strength to get up and do normal things like making a cup of hot chocolate and to sit and enjoy nature as it is.

Sometimes I question, how is it even possible for a person to have such extreme changes in personality on such a short period of time. One moment you're happy, but the next you're just nothing. No doubt about it that happiness is a drive that makes a person strive to achieve it. But other times, it didn't seem worth the struggle to reach a happy place.

It didn't seem like happiness would last long, it didn't seem like the effort made to stay happy was worth anything. How does one stay happy? Isn't it a constant input of something external that would keep it alive? Somewhat like how a fire dies out whenever the fuel runs dry?

Then again, to read back what I written in the first paragraph somehow depicts that I had the intentions to 'please' the 'world'. To be accepted and to be seen by the people, to be heard by the people to know who I truly am. But it all doesn't make sense, for it depicts that I am putting a show to garner attention.

Isn't it a constant struggle to find where you are most fitted, a place where you know they will accept you for who you are even when you are at your worst? That love and care from others..

10 November 2013

I feel like I should do something worthwhile for my 21st birthday. As of people in general ever since they turn 18, every party seemed like a drinking, and getting crazy kind of party. Well, being stereotypical, it feels like they don't get to party on normal terms and partying seems like the best thing to do at this kind of age.

Though I strongly emphasize that I hate my birthday, but it really is because nobody really gives a shit about it. Or, at least that's what I feel. I really didn't like the fact that people had to go out of their ways to 'please' me simply because it's my day. But really, birthdays are that one particularly irritating bit that you have to put in extra effort to make it special for them. I admit, I would be that silly person trying my best to make sure that day would be their special day. But what about me..? Maybe I expected a little too much from people. Maybe, just maybe I am that insignificant. I don't see how it is a harm to reach that conclusion either.

This selfishness has got me not giving two thoughts about people's birthdays anymore. I question if they were close enough to even wish a random 'happy birthday!' wish AND if it is even sincere. Imagine you never talk to this one friend for over a long period of time, but you happen to remember their birthday (no really, stop lying. Facebook notified you, or someone else posted a wish on their page and you "remembered") and you decide to pop a wish, along the lines of 'hope you have a great one!' or 'have a great year!' or 'you've grown another year older, time to be wiser!'.. it really does make me feel skeptical about all these wishes. I mean.. you somehow become a celebrity for a day, simply because it's your birthday? 

It does make me curious though, on how this makes you feel superior for a day where the whole world literally is kissing your two feet and showering you with rainbow confettis for that one day. Before you know it, you return to the ordinary you. Does it really feel that nice?

I can feel like I am begging the world for attention, just for once in my life. That one day where I would be treasured for my existence. Then I realised that birthdays are only for one day, like a dream that is only possible when I am asleep. It didn't feel worth that one-time feeling anymore. I wanted friendships that would last and not just forced conversations on birthdays. Yes, it is very demanding of me, and it doesn't mean I can be that kind of person for others as well. But there is a word called 'try'. A word that brings no meaning if you don't actually push yourself towards it and knowing that it will bring you somewhere, hopefully somewhere worthwhile.

For almost my whole life, I have shared my birthday with someone else who happened to be relatively close to me somehow. Me and my nature just couldn't have the heart to steal their spotlight. Every birthday I cry a little on the inside, til that one year where I accepted the fact and reality of birthdays.

I now recognize my birthday as the day where I would avoid the world and only spend it with people who genuinely want to share it with me. It's a day for myself, to be with myself, and to allow myself to accept myself for braving the whole year of the last and to have that little encouragement to keep going til the next year.

Here's one thing I wish I can do; help the homeless. There's something about the homeless that tells me that all they need is some love from people. I mean, if they really want to, they can get a job somewhere.. provided if they are absolutely keen and determined. But.. they chose to sit on the streets with cardboard written notes explaining why they need help.. does that really not mean anything to you?