I feel like I should do something worthwhile for my 21st birthday. As of people in general ever since they turn 18, every party seemed like a drinking, and getting crazy kind of party. Well, being stereotypical, it feels like they don't get to party on normal terms and partying seems like the best thing to do at this kind of age.
Though I strongly emphasize that I hate my birthday, but it really is because nobody really gives a shit about it. Or, at least that's what I feel. I really didn't like the fact that people had to go out of their ways to 'please' me simply because it's my day. But really, birthdays are that one particularly irritating bit that you have to put in extra effort to make it special for them. I admit, I would be that silly person trying my best to make sure that day would be their special day. But what about me..? Maybe I expected a little too much from people. Maybe, just maybe I am that insignificant. I don't see how it is a harm to reach that conclusion either.
This selfishness has got me not giving two thoughts about people's birthdays anymore. I question if they were close enough to even wish a random 'happy birthday!' wish AND if it is even sincere. Imagine you never talk to this one friend for over a long period of time, but you happen to remember their birthday (no really, stop lying. Facebook notified you, or someone else posted a wish on their page and you "remembered") and you decide to pop a wish, along the lines of 'hope you have a great one!' or 'have a great year!' or 'you've grown another year older, time to be wiser!'.. it really does make me feel skeptical about all these wishes. I mean.. you somehow become a celebrity for a day, simply because it's your birthday?
It does make me curious though, on how this makes you feel superior for a day where the whole world literally is kissing your two feet and showering you with rainbow confettis for that one day. Before you know it, you return to the ordinary you. Does it really feel that nice?
I can feel like I am begging the world for attention, just for once in my life. That one day where I would be treasured for my existence. Then I realised that birthdays are only for one day, like a dream that is only possible when I am asleep. It didn't feel worth that one-time feeling anymore. I wanted friendships that would last and not just forced conversations on birthdays. Yes, it is very demanding of me, and it doesn't mean I can be that kind of person for others as well. But there is a word called 'try'. A word that brings no meaning if you don't actually push yourself towards it and knowing that it will bring you somewhere, hopefully somewhere worthwhile.
For almost my whole life, I have shared my birthday with someone else who happened to be relatively close to me somehow. Me and my nature just couldn't have the heart to steal their spotlight. Every birthday I cry a little on the inside, til that one year where I accepted the fact and reality of birthdays.
I now recognize my birthday as the day where I would avoid the world and only spend it with people who genuinely want to share it with me. It's a day for myself, to be with myself, and to allow myself to accept myself for braving the whole year of the last and to have that little encouragement to keep going til the next year.
Here's one thing I wish I can do; help the homeless. There's something about the homeless that tells me that all they need is some love from people. I mean, if they really want to, they can get a job somewhere.. provided if they are absolutely keen and determined. But.. they chose to sit on the streets with cardboard written notes explaining why they need help.. does that really not mean anything to you?
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