Might want to read this someday.

https://medium.com/business-management/e0fd98388dde

Well.. it definitely does seem like I brought myself there. But I don't know how and why can't I change myself to be a better person.

Four friends of mine are now living in a house together on their own. A good friend of mine was heading over their place for dinner and asked if I would like to join them for dinner. Seemingly how lonely I was anf that I had no dinner, it was seemingly a good idea for me to spend some time there thinking that maybe I could bond more with these people.

So my good friend gave one of the four a call asking if it was okay to have me over for dinner. I'll use them as symbols.. because symbols.

&: hi! Do you think it's okay if I invited Kah Sim for dinner tonight?
@: HAAAAAAAAAAAA... But then right, the problem is we are sharing the cost of tonight's dinner. Even for you, we had to agree before we could go on with it. Tell her not enough food or something la. Sorry..

I honestly was struggling to hold in my laughter while listening to this conversation. It was hysterical in a way that it kind of tells me that they have no heart for me whatsoever. I mean I understand that I should've told them beforehand or that they were tight on their budget as they are new to this land. But my heart was just making it all look like a joke to me.

You know how ungodly awkward it was for me when I first stepped foot here in Melbourne all by myself and that I held on to that farewell image in my head for as long as I could. I kept thinking that no matter what happens, these people will be there for me. Or so I thought. But the truth is, every single trip I take as I return home to Malaysia I would result with a depleting circle of friends whom I personally thought were my friends. 

How many times have I gotten my heart broken? Uncoutable. How many times have I cried thinking that it was my fault that everyone was drifting away from me? I still think about it today. How many times have I felt absolutely lonely as hell? An awful lot of times.

I remember clearly during the first semester that I was here, I really wanted "friends" from back home to be here. Some said 'I'll be there soon, don't worry!'. Well.. they're here now. All of them. But I don't hear from them at all. Facebook was feeding me about their lives here.

Ironic isn't it.

Though honestly, it could be just being a bitter fart about everything that has been happening.

Yeah.. could it be that I brought all this pain to myself? What have I done to actually deserve this? :(

The problem with a completely new fleet of committees is that everyone has no clue whatsoever that has happened in the past and that every new decision made by these people will mean there will be drastic changes. I should've stepped off when I could. I am always regretting my decision! OMG. Do you have any idea how stupid I am. :(

But anyway, changes are seemingly drastic from what I had gone through for the entire of the first year with MUMSU. Right now, I couldn't really absorb and adapt to the changes that is happening. Sometimes I feel like I should step up and show them what we had done before and what had worked then. But at the same time, I couldn't help myself for feeling angry at the fact that they wouldn't listen to me as they have no clue whatsoever I am talking about. They pretty much have the same thought 'so what?'. I feel like the naggy old auntie who keeps telling them about things, yet I can't stop myself from doing it.

Understanding that this is a complete new fleet, everybody is absolutely keen with their own ideas. It's good. But I guess I am sort of 'OLD' that I know that this adrenaline rush will eventually die out and probably wouldn't come back again once it's out. I feel like that meanie trying to tell that that their ideas are not feasible as I understood how I was extremely keen my first time around and I got turned down a million of times to only understanding it NOW why I got turned down. Simply because they all seemed ridiculous and there were way too many variables and matters to worry about. If it wasn't the numbers, it was the money. If it wasn't the man power, it was the availability of the committees itself. I can feel myself understanding why sometimes it is impossible to run things properly and I can't help but to want things to be done flawlessly now that I know what has happened before and I would know how to tackle that problem this time around.

It is indeed very frustrating as I don't know how to word myself correctly. I kept in mind that they have no prior experience of starting the club from scratch and that they are absolutely keen in everything. There was literally nothing I can do but to watch them mumble and fumble about with their projects and stuff.

Though in a way, their keen spirit is still strong. In which I can see people are actually trying to get stuff done as soon as they can.. or so I can say for the time being. But I hope they know what they are doing and that they don't regret whatever they are doing with their decisions.

I made sure I took the smallest part of the committee as I know I could barely commit myself into MUMSU like how I used to. The negativity in me would be the driving force where I would just hate absolutely everything that is happening. I can't forget the day where I got lectured on my birthday for being too keen. That pretty much scarred me for life.

I really don't know how to pace myself and not know how to react and be a person whenever I am thrown into different situations. It kills me when I see people being able to be whoever they want and getting away with it, but I can't let my true self go freely for one bit without getting pulled away for a solo lecture.

Sucks.

Hello blogg!

It has been ages and I've missed you a whole lot. Despite how convenient Dayre is, I couldn't pour out my piece of mind on it freely. It seems as though I only wanted to publish happy moment there where it is easily accessed by other people. Seemingly thinking that people would have forgotten blogger ever since Dayre came around. But I feel like if I ever needed to publish something really deep from my heart, I could only do it through blogger. :/

Life hasn't been really nice to me since the year started. Or at least I would say since everything hadn't been too good these days, I am clouded by the fact it has barely been two months and I could only feel upset about everything that has happened recently. Part of me feels like giving up everything I ever had. It is as though I made myself see that I don't deserve anything good at all at the moment. I feel myself blaming me for everything that has happened as I could not see that how things would have happened differently if it was someone else's fault.

I feel ever so lonely, lonelier than I have ever been. Every trip I make back to Malaysia would end up breaking my heart into a million of pieces. Every trip was like a new journey where I had to dig a little bit of my past to unravel the sad reality to whatever mogul castle that I have built over. Somewhat like zombies coming back to life from their graves, trying to have a bite at me just to let me know how painful it was to die like them. They just sprout out like mushrooms after a rainy day, there was nothing I could do to evade from these matter.

Why oh why did it have to happen? What have I done to deserve whatever crappy shit ass situations I have to face now? WHY?! All I ever wanted was a peace in mind and be happy.

But my life has shaped me for being who I am today. I would result in making reasons and excuses to support the decisions I make to ensure that I won't regret one single bit of it.

I always thought you were one of my good friends that I truly cherished. Til you decided to tell me that I wasn't that nice of a person to you. It fucks my mind to bits. If I had always treasured you, taking for granted of you would be the last thing I would ever wanted to do. You explain that you told me countless number of times mentioning that you didn't quite like what I was doing, I admit I probably haven't realised that I had been an ass to you but I can guarantee you that it was not on purpose. That seriously just fucked up my mind completely. It is as though I had been living my life as a lie thinking you were my good friend but in reality, you were only tolerating me and pitying me letting me be that asshole that I am to you. How ever am I going to forgive myself?

I am going to admit that I am in a desperate need of help. I feel like I have gone mental and that I could no longer contain my emotions. When I feel angry, I will unleash my anger in whatever ways that I would without thinking twice. When I feel frustrated, I will let it go and start scolding people for their stupidity. When I feel upset, I blame people for leaving me alone.

I personally feel like I have deceived myself in believing that everything I do will be the best decision I could have possibly done at any given point of time. There are times where I would overthink and that would drive me to almost every single direction that I barely makes any sense if one actually tries interpreting it. I wish I could map out my thoughts clearly in words and identify my problems and try thinking of a new memory to improve my function as a person.

My man is my source of comfort. Whenever I feel insecure or anything negative, being with him just makes me feel better almost instantly. It really keeps my thoughts in bay 98% of the time. Sometimes if I am lucky, I get to share my problems and thoughts with him. My favorite part would be to listen to his opinion on different topic and thoughts.

He was that unicorn in my made believe dream.