Four friends of mine are now living in a house together on their own. A good friend of mine was heading over their place for dinner and asked if I would like to join them for dinner. Seemingly how lonely I was anf that I had no dinner, it was seemingly a good idea for me to spend some time there thinking that maybe I could bond more with these people.

So my good friend gave one of the four a call asking if it was okay to have me over for dinner. I'll use them as symbols.. because symbols.

&: hi! Do you think it's okay if I invited Kah Sim for dinner tonight?
@: HAAAAAAAAAAAA... But then right, the problem is we are sharing the cost of tonight's dinner. Even for you, we had to agree before we could go on with it. Tell her not enough food or something la. Sorry..

I honestly was struggling to hold in my laughter while listening to this conversation. It was hysterical in a way that it kind of tells me that they have no heart for me whatsoever. I mean I understand that I should've told them beforehand or that they were tight on their budget as they are new to this land. But my heart was just making it all look like a joke to me.

You know how ungodly awkward it was for me when I first stepped foot here in Melbourne all by myself and that I held on to that farewell image in my head for as long as I could. I kept thinking that no matter what happens, these people will be there for me. Or so I thought. But the truth is, every single trip I take as I return home to Malaysia I would result with a depleting circle of friends whom I personally thought were my friends. 

How many times have I gotten my heart broken? Uncoutable. How many times have I cried thinking that it was my fault that everyone was drifting away from me? I still think about it today. How many times have I felt absolutely lonely as hell? An awful lot of times.

I remember clearly during the first semester that I was here, I really wanted "friends" from back home to be here. Some said 'I'll be there soon, don't worry!'. Well.. they're here now. All of them. But I don't hear from them at all. Facebook was feeding me about their lives here.

Ironic isn't it.

Though honestly, it could be just being a bitter fart about everything that has been happening.

Yeah.. could it be that I brought all this pain to myself? What have I done to actually deserve this? :(