Hello blogg!

It has been ages and I've missed you a whole lot. Despite how convenient Dayre is, I couldn't pour out my piece of mind on it freely. It seems as though I only wanted to publish happy moment there where it is easily accessed by other people. Seemingly thinking that people would have forgotten blogger ever since Dayre came around. But I feel like if I ever needed to publish something really deep from my heart, I could only do it through blogger. :/

Life hasn't been really nice to me since the year started. Or at least I would say since everything hadn't been too good these days, I am clouded by the fact it has barely been two months and I could only feel upset about everything that has happened recently. Part of me feels like giving up everything I ever had. It is as though I made myself see that I don't deserve anything good at all at the moment. I feel myself blaming me for everything that has happened as I could not see that how things would have happened differently if it was someone else's fault.

I feel ever so lonely, lonelier than I have ever been. Every trip I make back to Malaysia would end up breaking my heart into a million of pieces. Every trip was like a new journey where I had to dig a little bit of my past to unravel the sad reality to whatever mogul castle that I have built over. Somewhat like zombies coming back to life from their graves, trying to have a bite at me just to let me know how painful it was to die like them. They just sprout out like mushrooms after a rainy day, there was nothing I could do to evade from these matter.

Why oh why did it have to happen? What have I done to deserve whatever crappy shit ass situations I have to face now? WHY?! All I ever wanted was a peace in mind and be happy.

But my life has shaped me for being who I am today. I would result in making reasons and excuses to support the decisions I make to ensure that I won't regret one single bit of it.

I always thought you were one of my good friends that I truly cherished. Til you decided to tell me that I wasn't that nice of a person to you. It fucks my mind to bits. If I had always treasured you, taking for granted of you would be the last thing I would ever wanted to do. You explain that you told me countless number of times mentioning that you didn't quite like what I was doing, I admit I probably haven't realised that I had been an ass to you but I can guarantee you that it was not on purpose. That seriously just fucked up my mind completely. It is as though I had been living my life as a lie thinking you were my good friend but in reality, you were only tolerating me and pitying me letting me be that asshole that I am to you. How ever am I going to forgive myself?

I am going to admit that I am in a desperate need of help. I feel like I have gone mental and that I could no longer contain my emotions. When I feel angry, I will unleash my anger in whatever ways that I would without thinking twice. When I feel frustrated, I will let it go and start scolding people for their stupidity. When I feel upset, I blame people for leaving me alone.

I personally feel like I have deceived myself in believing that everything I do will be the best decision I could have possibly done at any given point of time. There are times where I would overthink and that would drive me to almost every single direction that I barely makes any sense if one actually tries interpreting it. I wish I could map out my thoughts clearly in words and identify my problems and try thinking of a new memory to improve my function as a person.

My man is my source of comfort. Whenever I feel insecure or anything negative, being with him just makes me feel better almost instantly. It really keeps my thoughts in bay 98% of the time. Sometimes if I am lucky, I get to share my problems and thoughts with him. My favorite part would be to listen to his opinion on different topic and thoughts.

He was that unicorn in my made believe dream.