Is he patient or am I crazy?

What happens when I can't get what I want?

I don't know, cry my eyeballs off and then wake up the next day with a solution? But hey, at least I have a solution by the end of the ordeal. Sometimes it is absolutely difficult to get over that phase where I can't wake up with a proper solution.. and it sucks to the max. Because I know that I want to get things done as close to perfection as possible, and as soon as possible. Well, time doesn't wait for anybody. If I don't get this matter out of the way as early as I can, it is possible that I will never get it done with because you know new problems will just sprout out like mushrooms after a rainy day.

Do mushrooms really sprout out after a rainy day? I've never seen this natural occurrence ever. Being a scientist is tedious. Everything has to be done spot on, otherwise you'll probably just go around and around pondering on the same fact and not getting anywhere. But what I learned from writing shit long scientific reports is that no matter how little your time spent on a research could be, there is a chance of getting a certain yield of results. And because you know what you have obtained from that short period of time, you know what you could have done to improve in getting a better result in future experiments. But yeah, this shit part is writing a report to pass down the knowledge to someone who has zero idea about it. Little would you know, that with that little knowledge that you have passed on would give a certain degree of benefit to the next person doing a similar project.

So science-y.

I hate it when I can't get what I imagined it would be.
I make it a great deal when a friend is seemingly losing contact or so I would say, cutting of ties with me. That insecurity feeling just drives me nuts. It just makes me feel like I am not deserving of their time and patience. Like.. ya know, who am I right? I also make it a big deal because I could feel like I treasure my friends more than anything, thinking they were the only ones whom I could trust with my life.. literally. But in the end, people will just move on and well.. I have to live my life.. right?

It's just difficult. Sometimes I wish I could just blab my heart out and talk about every little thing that my mind could possibly think of, without being judged. Have a little discussion about what it would be like if the world would have been 'perfect' instead. But of course, reality will always be harsh. Too bad it's not something physical where we could just throw onto the ground and whack them up into non-existence. MEHH.

Today, there were a couple of girls talking about make up stuff. I just stared at them blankly and the only thing that came to my mind was 'how much I am fascinated by food' and how I couldn't relate to them at all. It's funny how we're all humans, but we have different thoughts and interests. There isn't a rule that shows us how to live life. It all depends on how the society reacts to what we do and how we accept this reactions. Weak people just won't be able to take it, sometimes I feel vulnerable too.

Sometimes I feel like my blog is my only friend whom I can trust. I know I can talk about almost anything I want, and I won't know how people would react to it. It is as though people are judging me without me allowing them to show it to me. Yeah.. something like that. I can be whoever I want to be? Maybe? YES. I am going to answer my own rhetorical question. (Y)

I have been having issues with myself. I can't figure out what is going on to me, but one thing I know for sure is that I have been crying almost everyday since the day that I have returned from my trip to Malaysia.

One image in my head that prominently popped up was the image of a friend whom we've had an unfortunate misunderstanding and it was a terrible one. It wasn't the typical kind of misunderstanding, it was one where any word that would be mentioned by either one of us could potentially start a war. It was best to not bring it up at all.

But of course, this one image remained in my head as though it was a poison to me. The moment this memory pops up in my head, it made me think a series of other misfortunes I had with friendships that has pretty much shattered and drifted away ever since I stepped foot in this foreign land.

Every visit home was as though life was giving me a big gigantic slap in the face that 'this is what you get for leaving the country and leaving your past behind'. It isn't anybody's fault to be blamed upon, but I can't escape from the fact that I am already blaming myself for all the losses.

Home didn't feel like home anymore, this foreign land isn't really my home either..

Yes it is true, people will walk in and out of our lives more often than expected especially as we age beyond teenage days. But it is now a fear to even create a bond knowing that it wouldn't last.

It is almost like there isn't a reason to do anything anymore.

When the semester started, I started driving myself crazy: what am I going to do after I graduate?

I mean, I have zero experience, and nobody would hire if you have no experience whatsoever. People tell me that I should work, but I couldn't see how if I will have time for anything else if I did work. Well, my priority for the past two years were mainly me trying to figure my life and find a place to belong to. At least, I would think so. The amount of unnecessary depression that I put myself into.. is just stupid. Yet I can't help but to feel that way.

So after two whole years in Melbourne, I still couldn't feel like I have somewhere I would belong to. Friends in Malaysia were.. living their own lives and I still find it absolutely difficult to mingle with the people here. I ended up having friends whom I will 'bump into' once in a while in uni and have a mini catch up session before running along to whatever we had to do. I kept myself busy, playing Ultimate Frisbee and dedicating so much of my time into MUMSU as well. I really thought by putting myself out there, I would be exposed to different sort of experiences with hopes of having proper friendship at least. But of course, time passed on by and I could still feel that loneliness that would kill me slowly if I let it.

Studies hadn't been that much of an easy ride either. Well, it's university. I don't feel like I am one bit prepared for this. I try adapting to this life of mine, but I know deep down that I am deteriorating without me realising it. Say for example, I've managed to gain 5kg within the first 6 months that I was here in Melbourne. Life was good, experimenting, having fun absorbing all these new joyous experience and everything. Now everything is normal.. I get caught up with work and then I look at the empty kitchen and just felt like I'd rather starve than actually making food for myself to eat. Even in uni, I'd just sit in the library and try to study as much as I can.

I actually stopped playing Ultimate. Like I can't even believe I am actually doing it. I feel like I really should be spending more time on my studies. Which I have. Yet at the same time, I miss running on the field and watching others play as well.. :/

I couldn't find a reason to go back onto the field. It always feels like there is something that needs to be done instead, but I just can't quite figure out what it is..

On the bright side, I've applied for a placement in Melbourne Zoo and Zoo Negara. Today, I got my response from Zoo Negara. And yes, I'll be going home for the month to gain some experience.
As for now, I've got to go back to my studies.

two scientific reports to write, one statistics assignment to do, two mid semesters tests next week.. and a trip that I am organising for MUMSU end of week7.. Kinda wish I could just murder myself at this point of time. But..

sometimes i choose not to wake up, because dreaming seems like a better escape.

the world seems too cruel to mean anything, but there is a glimmer of hope. 

everyone is nice. they just don't want to show people what their heart really looks like because people could just take it away and stab it into millions of pieces and throwing it on the ground for you to pick up again.

but why.