I had a dream where the world was attacking me for some reason. But I had two powers this time! :D

- invisibility
- flying

And I have to have the sun to 'charge' my abilities. When I am invisible, I glitter. LOL
Despite the number of times that I have a flying ability in my dreams, I never really ever master that skill. :/

Sometimes being nice will annoy the crap out of people. What am I supposed to do when that happens?

When I do things to allow myself some happy feelings but it ends up annoying people, does it mean I should just be selfish and not give a crap about anything at all? When people need help and I'd be happy to provide benefits for them, yet it is actually something common and not worth the effort because it isn't recognized. I'd get so frustrated when I give and nobody takes them with gratitude. It makes me feel like my effort isn't worth anything and that makes me sad.

I don't want to live for my own benefit because I can't see how me being my only company can help me improve myself as a person. I'd rather have someone, people around me as references on how it would be to live an ideal life, listening through people's problems and learn more about the life in a way.

... nvm.

Let's just assume you don't know me and I will be somebody whom you will find completely uncomfortable to have a conversation with. :)

I've lost so much weight. :(

The one and only sports bra that I bought for myself within that bunch of lorna jane goodies, I couldn't fit. Which means I had to return and get a refund. Hopefully I get to find something that I'd really like sometime in the future when I do find time to stroll by South Wharf for some discounted goodies.

Yeah. Shopping should be a sin. I get excited when ever I see something on sale. I'd find a way to splurge on that. Especially now when its the end of financial year sale here in Melbourne. All them glorious sales everywhere!

Though here's a question I couldn't quite understand; how is it possible for me to not bother if I don't eat for a couple of days in a row?

To be clear, I am not trying to "diet" in restricting my consumption or even try to save money. I just don't feel like eating. I had to be eager about eating before I can get myself to eat something. Even when I feel hungry, I ignore the growl and slight pinch and move along. Well I guess part of it is that I haven't been doing much activities that requires a whole lot of energy. All I do is wake up, figure out my day and then set on to do my assignments or studies. Honestly, I have lost all my energy that I can't even run a short distance anymore. I'd rather do an activity that uses more brains than energy now. That's kinda scary.

midnight rambles

People don't read my blog.

Do you suppose it's because its the presented in a way that I am who I am in person? Is it because people don't find me interesting as a person? Or is it because I am as annoying as I am in person, I just don't get the hint? Should I apologise for who I am? When I am struggling to find myself while trying to live life normally..? 

I fear what the future may bring. I need to start living life. Movies makes more sense to me these days, and I fear that the future would turn out as the movies are showing. Then again, movies had to be movies. If there's no drama and no emotional connection between the movie and the people who watches it, then a movie isn't a movie. Despite how movies are trying to show us different lives and the reality of what could be, people will never remember what they say today. It's better to even not bother about the past and live for the present and not worry about the future. But how is that even achievable in the first place? There isn't exactly one rule or a guide book to follow, everything is dependent on how you react and respond that that particular problem at that particular point of time. 

I shall try picking up some life quotes and put my thoughts into it. It is after all my opinion, I have nothing to hide. But of course, that is dependent on whether you want to read it or not.

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters."
If one chooses to enjoy life and to be happy, it is as good as ignoring the qualms of life.
I've tried this 100 day happy post thing once during my first year in uni. It wasn't a trend, but I tried achieving certain things, it was '10 things that made me happy today' and I posted them on Twitter. I felt as though I was trying very hard to find things that would make me happy even for a small tiny moment that made me feel pathetic by the end of the month. People who looked at it and were liking the effort that I was putting in, thinking that my life is 'happy' but I was feeling like I was putting on a show instead. Why couldn't I truly feel happy? Appreciating the little things that made me feel nice, it made me look at things differently. But as I was looking at things differently, something else changed along the way and I saw a lot of things that made me set a mindset on the things that I don't like instead. It's like, 'well, this isn't going to make me happy, I am not going to do this. I know what makes me happy, and I will only do that'. That's not really healthy. Now when I don't like something, I tend to make a huge fuss about how it's insane that something could make them happy but it looks utterly selfish to me.

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

I saw a video about how a homeless man got a house thanks to the community on the internet that wanted to help him out. The pure happiness in his face was priceless. Even right now, I am just making my life complicated just by thinking about it. But when I watched that video, part of me felt jealous that he was appreciative of whatever that is given to him and he doesn't complain one bit, refuse to take a single cent when he was offered the money. Why can't I just live life thinking it's just a simple thing? I've spent my short life knowing that I need to plan my way through life, otherwise I will never get anywhere. At 16, I knew I wanted to be where I wanted to be today. I was way ahead of everyone else at my age. At 19, I already planned out my course through my 3 years in uni, which units I wanted to do and I had everything planned out. But right now, I need to graduate and start looking for a job. Where am I going to go, what am I going to do? How is life really simple at this point of time? 

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
I'd like to know how. Right now I feel like my past is the only thing that I can learn from to prevent myself from screwing up my future. Maybe it's because I can't feel like the present is doing me any good at the moment. But the present is equally as important.. because if the present doesn't happen, then the future won't happen. Present is the doing-phase and future should be the dream-phase. The past doesn't prove who you are today as a person, the past should be a driving force to who you are today. To be who were, to be who you want to be. I don't know. 

I can't do anymore quotes. 

I've felt bliss and calmness (occassional panic attacks here and there) within these past three weeks as I only had one goal in mind; to pass this semester. 

There's too many harsh reality present problems that I find very difficult to accept. Well, they are only an issue if I let it be an issue. But me allowing them to be an issue happens more often that I should. I've probably gone mental a couple of times this semester. I've gone to sevencupsoftea.com and they tell me that I should seek professional help. I guess it was generally self pity, trying to seek comfort in some way. It really is tiring fending myself and I can't let go of my past. Looking at it, I have been harsh to myself for far too long. The moment I let go of myself, is the moment that I fall into the depths of no return. I don't feel like I deserve anything that I have. Even if I have them in my hands, I would believe that they will slip out of my hands soon enough. Things I used to have, believing they are true and would last forever would fade into nonexistence as the years go by. People change, feelings change. 

I'm different. 

I don't feel comfortable knowing that people look at me differently, most often almost non-existent. People don't like different. People like different. People don't like me. Only a small speck of people will like me. It's odd really. I used to be someone that everybody liked, but I preferred being alone. Now, nobody knows me and I feel lonely. Friends whom I thought were friends, weren't really friends. This disappoints me the most. The ultimate community reminded me of those old days where "everyone" knew who I was. But as soon as I vanished.. well I vanished. I was as good as I never existed in the first place. Why am I so bothered at this, anyways? 

It's funny how I feel like I don't deserve anything, but at the same time I feel upset for feeling insignificant. 

What am I seeking? 

What Maisie Knew.

I like giving.

But adults hate that I am doing that. At least nobody knew.. until now. :D

When I feel sad and things are on sale, I'd get excited wanting to buy alot of stuff. But I knew I can't buy because I won't wear all of them. So my solution to that is.. to buy for people instead. Yeay.

Lol.

But I don't have a lot of friends to gift. So the little friends I have, gets a whole lot. And for those people whom I am not so close to, I wouldn't even want to buy for them if they asked me for help. Lol. What a bitch.

Don't say anything, move along..

Everyday you must do these things:

1. Brush your teeth twice (once when you wake up, once before you sleep)
2. Have a shower
3. Have meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner)

Sometimes, even that is hard to do. Because waking up can be a problem too.

Then comes every other events that requires your actions to:
- social
- family relations
- work/studies

And each and every other extra aspects in life that requires your time and effort to attend to. There isn't a rule to tell you how to live your life. But there are events along the way that gives you an idea on how to live you life in the present time.

For instance, I have an exam coming Tuesday. For all I know, I need to figure my way to make sure that I can sit for that exam. Until then, I have today, tomorrow, Monday and then it's the exam.

Wake up, brush teeth, have breakfast, start studying.
Nobody ever goes into details about their life, because nobody gives a shit. In that case, okay.. I don't give a shit about my life too..?
Wake up. It's 9am. I could start studying now, but I can't get myself to fully wake up and commit myself to studying. Then I fall back asleep. Dream about something, but it's a lucid dream and I have control of where the dream was going. Oh, this ending isn't going very well.. wake up, 12.30pm. I should get up now. Nope. My mind is feeling absolutely tired from this dream I just had, I can't open my eyes too. Urgh. Toss and turn til about 1.30pm. I still don't feel like getting out of bed or to study. 9gag, instagram.. boom. 3.30pm!

Well. I've browsed through instagram and 9gag that I have nothing new to browse through anymore. So.. studying was left.

Get up, have a quick pee, boil some hot water, pick the type of tea I felt like drinking for the day while waiting for the water to boil, brew my tea and then bring it back to the room and place it on my 'bed-desk'.

So from 4pm onwards, I'll be studying through for about 6 hours before I stop for a short break. At this point, I live life like I don't have a life. I only shower when I feel icky. I honestly don't even eat.

The only time I ever leave bed or my house is when I have an exam. Been living my life like this for about two weeks now. Feeling absolutely awkward when I need to talk to someone, like I've lost my tongue or something.

:/

I'd most likely be the same next semester. It seems much more insane than this semester.

:(

Goodbye sunshine, goodbye world..

I don't love myself enough to feel like I deserve the love I have.

I feel lonely and the only thing that made me feel secure is when he is physically around. It sounds pathetic, but I couldn't help it. I've lost myself in the midst of growing into the woman I should be; too scared and unsure of who I want to be as a person, really.

Picking up fights with him and getting absolutely frustrated at every person I have to discuss matters with. If things didn't go right, I'd flip almost immediately.

The fact that I don't love myself is probably the reason why I dont feel appreciated as a person or as a friend. I couldn't feel the love, I couldn't see it. I ended up assuming that the bad present would result with a doomed future. I pushed people away, for I feel like I had nothing worthy for their stay.

I couldn't figure out how to find my lost passion.
I still can't.

I could have been a Ballerina.
I could have been a model.
I could have been a cheerleader.
I could have been a  performer.
I could have been a singer.

I could have been anything.
But right now, I am going to achieve a goal where I can be closer to the animals. :)

Just one hug, and everything will be fine.

Honestly, year 1 feels like it's something really distant though really its only last last year.

Gold Coast and Sydney.
EHEHEHEHEHEHE ♡

Well fuck.
I can't graduate in absentia.
-.-

I like talking about myself sometimes. Then others can tell me things like how different or the same as I was compared to the previous me. Is that selfish? Hrmmm..

Can't say I'm jealous.

But I am jealous! :(
Ahh. I feel so silly.

Angst, really.

I thought it would be best to just vanish and figure myself out without any influence whatsoever.

"Why would you bother about what people thinks about you?" , "Why are you selfish?" .

How am I supposed to live life?