Do you suppose it's because its the presented in a way that I am who I am in person? Is it because people don't find me interesting as a person? Or is it because I am as annoying as I am in person, I just don't get the hint? Should I apologise for who I am? When I am struggling to find myself while trying to live life normally..?
I fear what the future may bring. I need to start living life. Movies makes more sense to me these days, and I fear that the future would turn out as the movies are showing. Then again, movies had to be movies. If there's no drama and no emotional connection between the movie and the people who watches it, then a movie isn't a movie. Despite how movies are trying to show us different lives and the reality of what could be, people will never remember what they say today. It's better to even not bother about the past and live for the present and not worry about the future. But how is that even achievable in the first place? There isn't exactly one rule or a guide book to follow, everything is dependent on how you react and respond that that particular problem at that particular point of time.
I shall try picking up some life quotes and put my thoughts into it. It is after all my opinion, I have nothing to hide. But of course, that is dependent on whether you want to read it or not.
"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters."
If one chooses to enjoy life and to be happy, it is as good as ignoring the qualms of life.
I've tried this 100 day happy post thing once during my first year in uni. It wasn't a trend, but I tried achieving certain things, it was '10 things that made me happy today' and I posted them on Twitter. I felt as though I was trying very hard to find things that would make me happy even for a small tiny moment that made me feel pathetic by the end of the month. People who looked at it and were liking the effort that I was putting in, thinking that my life is 'happy' but I was feeling like I was putting on a show instead. Why couldn't I truly feel happy? Appreciating the little things that made me feel nice, it made me look at things differently. But as I was looking at things differently, something else changed along the way and I saw a lot of things that made me set a mindset on the things that I don't like instead. It's like, 'well, this isn't going to make me happy, I am not going to do this. I know what makes me happy, and I will only do that'. That's not really healthy. Now when I don't like something, I tend to make a huge fuss about how it's insane that something could make them happy but it looks utterly selfish to me.
"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
I saw a video about how a homeless man got a house thanks to the community on the internet that wanted to help him out. The pure happiness in his face was priceless. Even right now, I am just making my life complicated just by thinking about it. But when I watched that video, part of me felt jealous that he was appreciative of whatever that is given to him and he doesn't complain one bit, refuse to take a single cent when he was offered the money. Why can't I just live life thinking it's just a simple thing? I've spent my short life knowing that I need to plan my way through life, otherwise I will never get anywhere. At 16, I knew I wanted to be where I wanted to be today. I was way ahead of everyone else at my age. At 19, I already planned out my course through my 3 years in uni, which units I wanted to do and I had everything planned out. But right now, I need to graduate and start looking for a job. Where am I going to go, what am I going to do? How is life really simple at this point of time?
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
I'd like to know how. Right now I feel like my past is the only thing that I can learn from to prevent myself from screwing up my future. Maybe it's because I can't feel like the present is doing me any good at the moment. But the present is equally as important.. because if the present doesn't happen, then the future won't happen. Present is the doing-phase and future should be the dream-phase. The past doesn't prove who you are today as a person, the past should be a driving force to who you are today. To be who were, to be who you want to be. I don't know.
I can't do anymore quotes.
I've felt bliss and calmness (occassional panic attacks here and there) within these past three weeks as I only had one goal in mind; to pass this semester.
There's too many harsh reality present problems that I find very difficult to accept. Well, they are only an issue if I let it be an issue. But me allowing them to be an issue happens more often that I should. I've probably gone mental a couple of times this semester. I've gone to sevencupsoftea.com and they tell me that I should seek professional help. I guess it was generally self pity, trying to seek comfort in some way. It really is tiring fending myself and I can't let go of my past. Looking at it, I have been harsh to myself for far too long. The moment I let go of myself, is the moment that I fall into the depths of no return. I don't feel like I deserve anything that I have. Even if I have them in my hands, I would believe that they will slip out of my hands soon enough. Things I used to have, believing they are true and would last forever would fade into nonexistence as the years go by. People change, feelings change.
I'm different.
I don't feel comfortable knowing that people look at me differently, most often almost non-existent. People don't like different. People like different. People don't like me. Only a small speck of people will like me. It's odd really. I used to be someone that everybody liked, but I preferred being alone. Now, nobody knows me and I feel lonely. Friends whom I thought were friends, weren't really friends. This disappoints me the most. The ultimate community reminded me of those old days where "everyone" knew who I was. But as soon as I vanished.. well I vanished. I was as good as I never existed in the first place. Why am I so bothered at this, anyways?
It's funny how I feel like I don't deserve anything, but at the same time I feel upset for feeling insignificant.
What am I seeking?
"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters."
If one chooses to enjoy life and to be happy, it is as good as ignoring the qualms of life.
I've tried this 100 day happy post thing once during my first year in uni. It wasn't a trend, but I tried achieving certain things, it was '10 things that made me happy today' and I posted them on Twitter. I felt as though I was trying very hard to find things that would make me happy even for a small tiny moment that made me feel pathetic by the end of the month. People who looked at it and were liking the effort that I was putting in, thinking that my life is 'happy' but I was feeling like I was putting on a show instead. Why couldn't I truly feel happy? Appreciating the little things that made me feel nice, it made me look at things differently. But as I was looking at things differently, something else changed along the way and I saw a lot of things that made me set a mindset on the things that I don't like instead. It's like, 'well, this isn't going to make me happy, I am not going to do this. I know what makes me happy, and I will only do that'. That's not really healthy. Now when I don't like something, I tend to make a huge fuss about how it's insane that something could make them happy but it looks utterly selfish to me.
"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
I saw a video about how a homeless man got a house thanks to the community on the internet that wanted to help him out. The pure happiness in his face was priceless. Even right now, I am just making my life complicated just by thinking about it. But when I watched that video, part of me felt jealous that he was appreciative of whatever that is given to him and he doesn't complain one bit, refuse to take a single cent when he was offered the money. Why can't I just live life thinking it's just a simple thing? I've spent my short life knowing that I need to plan my way through life, otherwise I will never get anywhere. At 16, I knew I wanted to be where I wanted to be today. I was way ahead of everyone else at my age. At 19, I already planned out my course through my 3 years in uni, which units I wanted to do and I had everything planned out. But right now, I need to graduate and start looking for a job. Where am I going to go, what am I going to do? How is life really simple at this point of time?
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
I'd like to know how. Right now I feel like my past is the only thing that I can learn from to prevent myself from screwing up my future. Maybe it's because I can't feel like the present is doing me any good at the moment. But the present is equally as important.. because if the present doesn't happen, then the future won't happen. Present is the doing-phase and future should be the dream-phase. The past doesn't prove who you are today as a person, the past should be a driving force to who you are today. To be who were, to be who you want to be. I don't know.
I can't do anymore quotes.
I've felt bliss and calmness (occassional panic attacks here and there) within these past three weeks as I only had one goal in mind; to pass this semester.
There's too many harsh reality present problems that I find very difficult to accept. Well, they are only an issue if I let it be an issue. But me allowing them to be an issue happens more often that I should. I've probably gone mental a couple of times this semester. I've gone to sevencupsoftea.com and they tell me that I should seek professional help. I guess it was generally self pity, trying to seek comfort in some way. It really is tiring fending myself and I can't let go of my past. Looking at it, I have been harsh to myself for far too long. The moment I let go of myself, is the moment that I fall into the depths of no return. I don't feel like I deserve anything that I have. Even if I have them in my hands, I would believe that they will slip out of my hands soon enough. Things I used to have, believing they are true and would last forever would fade into nonexistence as the years go by. People change, feelings change.
I'm different.
I don't feel comfortable knowing that people look at me differently, most often almost non-existent. People don't like different. People like different. People don't like me. Only a small speck of people will like me. It's odd really. I used to be someone that everybody liked, but I preferred being alone. Now, nobody knows me and I feel lonely. Friends whom I thought were friends, weren't really friends. This disappoints me the most. The ultimate community reminded me of those old days where "everyone" knew who I was. But as soon as I vanished.. well I vanished. I was as good as I never existed in the first place. Why am I so bothered at this, anyways?
It's funny how I feel like I don't deserve anything, but at the same time I feel upset for feeling insignificant.
What am I seeking?
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