Me?

I love everything else more than I love myself.

That post deserves to stand on its own.

I loved the whole experience of working in the zoo (eventhough I still find it abit difficult to scoop poop), the fact that I am surrounded by people who are equally passionate (or more) about animals as I am! It's exhilarating. It's definitely not something I can get elsewhere in the entire world! I don't get dissed about the wonders of working in the zoo, I don't have to repeat myself when I have to answer the questions of 'why Zoology?' and reminding people that vets and zoologist are two completely different job scopes.

Plus and negatives, really. I just rather not know anything that has to do with politics in any way possible. But it's inevitable and it's something I have to learn to accept and deal with.

Since I've failed my physiology unit, I really am questioning my past self for being silly. Yet at the same time I understand why I brought myself here. But really, failing isn't worth anything. If at all, I did learn that I regret pushing myself into physiology when I had close to zero interest in. :X

Okay. I'm tired.

New semester. I've got to piece myself together to survive this "final" semester.

Short term goal (within 2014):
- Graduate uni.

Short term goal (by end of 2015):
- At least one more internship in another zoo.
- Temporary Residence.
- First job.

Semi long term goal (within next 5 years):
- Get a job that pays moderately.
(Zoo or air stewardess)

Long term goal (hopefully within 8 years):
- Masters at James Cook
- Assistant Researcher

I get to grow into the adult I want to be.
The power of being 21.

Love.
Kindness.
Patience.

I feel like thrash talking. But at the same time I know that it's not good to do so. Yet it itches me so bad.

"The bird house was the most horrible place I've ever worked in. I don't know what kind of people they are. They seemed really snobbish when I was there and weren't friendly like every other sections I've worked in. They all look as if I owe them something when I am actually helping them with their work, especially that one guy.

Oh ya, I only have one day in each sections because of my allergy. I don't know what it is, but it makes me itch really bad. So now I am spending most of my time in the office. Yeah, I can't spend too long with the animals, this allergy is really bad."

I reworded them in my best ability in depicting what she looked like while telling me those things. Lol. Her face. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.. where do I begin?

I absolutely loved the bird house. I thought everyone there was really friendly and easy going. Everyone there jokes with each other once in a while. Also this guy that she mentioned, happened to be my favorite out of everyone in this section. Being there, I sort of understood how she got that cold feeling from them. It takes time to feel comfortable in a new place, maybe she just happened to step in their section at a wrong time. Plus the fact that they had quite a packed schedule, they would be rushing and focused alot on their work. I guess I knew when to ask certain questions at appropriate times to allow them to open up a little more which made it a little easier for me to settle in here.

The itch. I would assume its the same itch I get almost everyday. It was really itchy, but I knew what it was and I just bared with it. They were mosquito bites. Its the lush greenery of this zoo which is so similar to a forest that the absence of mosquitoes would feel out of place. I learned that wearing long sleeves was the best solution. Leaving any skin bare will mean itch for the entire day. It's really sad to know that she is happy working in the office than actually working out in the field doing hard work. What a waste.

I really wish Darwin's evolution worked way earlier and just kicked Pandas out of the picture before people paid so much attention to them. Seriously, everything about them is just screaming for extinction. But because they are too adorable, and people noticed that if these adorable creatures are gone.. the world could possible come to an end.

Look at how the bees are magically disappearing.
Look at how hard the polar bears are fighting for survival.
OH. You're still eating shark's fin?
Right, dingoes are just dogs?
Yeah, the tigers are probably going to eat you if they overpopulate.

I crai everitaim.

I am not sure how to accept thome reality that I have failed one unit this semester.

I only remember that my sister had been nagging at me telling me I should play less and get a part time job. Since I didn't feel like I had the time to get a part time job, so I decided to stop 'playing'. Who wouldn't be afraid after a scare in the previous semester where I managed to pass on the dot. Maybe she was right.

I panicked at every little things I had to do. Assignments and lectures. Those were the main focus I had that semester. I refused to go out, I refused to play ultimate, I lost interest in everything including eating. Every little problem became a bigger issue that it should have. They were all unnecessary, and somehow gotten its way into my studying routine.

Maybe I knew it was too much for me to handle. I knew I wasn't feeling quite right about this semester halfway through the semester. Something was just telling me that no matter how much effort I am prioritizing in this, things weren't going to work out.

I don't know what went wrong but everything about it didn't seem right at all.

Maybe I was lacking of a mood booster, something that would encourage me to make me feel that I was not a failure.

'Now that you're extending one semester, there's no excuse for you not to get a part time job'.

I think I would feel better failing when I played. At least I know what the culprit is. But I wouldn't have felt so terrible because it was the best that I could've done. I regret that decision to stop playing ultimate. I felt like my soul had got sucked out of my body. I thought I was doing myself a favor, something to guarantee my place in the future.

But all I did was cry everyday.

You wouldn't want to admit that you have depression.

1. It scares you.
2. It scares the people around you.
3. Nobody will truly understand what it really is.

But its so common these days.
I can feel it ruining my relationships, literally crushing every existing relationships that I had build. Surely people were leaving me for a reason, but I never understood what it was. I only knew that people were leaving and that there was something wrong with me.

Is this really depression or is this me making things up?

I realised how much of a weight a person could feel when dealing with another person who has so much emotions and thoughts. It's unnoticeable but it weighs the receiving part a whole lot that it could drown them. However for the delivering part was good because I felt like I was relieving a certain level of pain from inside and that I thought this person listening understood everything I was saying. If I hadn't had that friend who listened through all my pain, I would have been who I am today instead of that jolly, happy, 'there's no problem in the world that could bring me down' kind of person. I had friends whom I thought understood the kind of pain I was going through. But it was a different story for them.

I've read pages on google regarding depression and how it affects the people around them. That the negativity that was vomitted by the depressed could be understood and accepted in a different approach. Normal people would feel that the depressed required a whole lot of emotional support while being drained of emotional support for him/herself.

I guess in a way, it's one sided. But in reality, I can feel as though it was my only way through to feel like a normal person. It's not until recently that I realised how draining it was on those people who I would deem has saved my life. I had been selfish without wanting to be selfish, I had been chasing people away without realising it.

I guess I can fix this.
I just don't know how.

The pain doesn't just vanish as I wish. It may be an imaginary pain that I am feeling, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. I can feel like I don't belong in this life, that I am better off dead. But I know I have a responsibility to stay alive.

2006.
2007.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.
2014.

I remember things that need not be remembered or brought back to present day. I constantly replay on how things could have been different. I constantly use past examples to remind myself on how to avoid from allowing the past to repeat itself.

I don't feel very well.

Maybe it's for the best.

I feel like I am battling a war that only I can feel and see. It's like I somehow imagine this war as a real thing, but it's evidently not happening. My imaginations and mind are in tune and the war I am trying to win, is a my happiness and peace.

I don't know how I could explain myself for someone else to know and understand this feeling of mine. It's too late. There's no one left.

I miss you so much.

I think it's me wanting to make sure that you're constantly in my mind, otherwise if I lose sight of you I might believe that you're no longer there.

Attachment issues. :(

Finding my true self is probably my hardest challenge.

Whenever I feel happy doing something, I will immediately think that I am doing the wrong thing if someone makes a negative comment of it. It is that difficult for me to understand and accept myself as a person.

Give an example, how I feel about my internship in a zoo. I feel happy being able to interact with the animals here. When they feed, I would project happiness due to the eagerness in wanting to eat when we have to feed them. The keepers talk about the animals and how different animals have different attitude. How the animals react to the keepers actions, they all seem really amazing and mesmerising to me. It made me feel, ' if an animal were to interact with me in that way, it would probably made my day no matter how terrible it is. The fact that I could get paid just so I can be in close contact with the animals makes me feel calm. At least I can do a work that wouldn't feel like work to me.

But when I interact with people and have a conversation about my experiences and share my thoughts and views of what I am experiencing, it feels disappointing. It feels as though they would never understand what I am trying to tell them. It's either they think that their knowledge is enough or is the right thing, or they are just not interested. Interactions like these do dampen me a little.

Part of me feels as though I am the mad person who is only interested in animals while everybody else is busy with their own lives. It's as though the quality of their life is more important than anything else in the world. Money and happiness is generally what everybody is chasing after.

Am I doing the right thing, or am I not?
Am I heading the right direction or am I driving myself towards failure?
What will I be, once I am done with my degree?
What profession will I have as a career?
Will I like my job?

I got laughed at for cleaning poo.
I saw that coming but I wasn't prepared to be upset at the reality of the teasing.

People will see what they want to see.

I guess I am just the retarded one who refuses to follow what everyone else is looking at.

I am a rebel to myself. Urgh. :/

Fml. I might die looking at all the SUGs photos and statuses. :(

Well, it was one of my most memorable moment of 2013! And I can't believe I am missing out this year! But I guess I have to sacrifice somethings, because I can't possible get everything.. right? Look! I am working in a Zoo! It's a childhood dream come true. :) Plus, I've got my fair share of fun at SUGs last year already! I should feel blessed that I got that opportunity! :)

Exam results are coming out next weekend? I think so. I am crossing my heart that I'd get at least one Distinction for the effort that I've given last semester. If I do get the Distinction, I will probably feel like its a reward from God or something. But if I still can't get it.. I'll probably be very disheartened. HRMMMMMM.

I've had issues about me wanting to graduate. I thought that if I didn't graduate, it would be better. But I guess I should just ignore everything, stoo giving myself so many excuses and just graduate. But I am still reluctant to pay for the robe. -.-

Whose coming for my grad?