Finding my true self is probably my hardest challenge.

Whenever I feel happy doing something, I will immediately think that I am doing the wrong thing if someone makes a negative comment of it. It is that difficult for me to understand and accept myself as a person.

Give an example, how I feel about my internship in a zoo. I feel happy being able to interact with the animals here. When they feed, I would project happiness due to the eagerness in wanting to eat when we have to feed them. The keepers talk about the animals and how different animals have different attitude. How the animals react to the keepers actions, they all seem really amazing and mesmerising to me. It made me feel, ' if an animal were to interact with me in that way, it would probably made my day no matter how terrible it is. The fact that I could get paid just so I can be in close contact with the animals makes me feel calm. At least I can do a work that wouldn't feel like work to me.

But when I interact with people and have a conversation about my experiences and share my thoughts and views of what I am experiencing, it feels disappointing. It feels as though they would never understand what I am trying to tell them. It's either they think that their knowledge is enough or is the right thing, or they are just not interested. Interactions like these do dampen me a little.

Part of me feels as though I am the mad person who is only interested in animals while everybody else is busy with their own lives. It's as though the quality of their life is more important than anything else in the world. Money and happiness is generally what everybody is chasing after.

Am I doing the right thing, or am I not?
Am I heading the right direction or am I driving myself towards failure?
What will I be, once I am done with my degree?
What profession will I have as a career?
Will I like my job?

I got laughed at for cleaning poo.
I saw that coming but I wasn't prepared to be upset at the reality of the teasing.

People will see what they want to see.

I guess I am just the retarded one who refuses to follow what everyone else is looking at.

I am a rebel to myself. Urgh. :/