You wouldn't want to admit that you have depression.

1. It scares you.
2. It scares the people around you.
3. Nobody will truly understand what it really is.

But its so common these days.
I can feel it ruining my relationships, literally crushing every existing relationships that I had build. Surely people were leaving me for a reason, but I never understood what it was. I only knew that people were leaving and that there was something wrong with me.

Is this really depression or is this me making things up?

I realised how much of a weight a person could feel when dealing with another person who has so much emotions and thoughts. It's unnoticeable but it weighs the receiving part a whole lot that it could drown them. However for the delivering part was good because I felt like I was relieving a certain level of pain from inside and that I thought this person listening understood everything I was saying. If I hadn't had that friend who listened through all my pain, I would have been who I am today instead of that jolly, happy, 'there's no problem in the world that could bring me down' kind of person. I had friends whom I thought understood the kind of pain I was going through. But it was a different story for them.

I've read pages on google regarding depression and how it affects the people around them. That the negativity that was vomitted by the depressed could be understood and accepted in a different approach. Normal people would feel that the depressed required a whole lot of emotional support while being drained of emotional support for him/herself.

I guess in a way, it's one sided. But in reality, I can feel as though it was my only way through to feel like a normal person. It's not until recently that I realised how draining it was on those people who I would deem has saved my life. I had been selfish without wanting to be selfish, I had been chasing people away without realising it.

I guess I can fix this.
I just don't know how.

The pain doesn't just vanish as I wish. It may be an imaginary pain that I am feeling, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. I can feel like I don't belong in this life, that I am better off dead. But I know I have a responsibility to stay alive.

2006.
2007.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.
2014.

I remember things that need not be remembered or brought back to present day. I constantly replay on how things could have been different. I constantly use past examples to remind myself on how to avoid from allowing the past to repeat itself.

I don't feel very well.