Waiting for my flight to Tasmania, I sit and I have nothing to do. I look across, and there was a family with a baby, a newborn of about one month, maybe. I am really bad at estimating, mind me. :X I began to think about what the future holds for me, and I tried reminiscing on the times that I was still a little girl.

Being at the last few months to my teenage days, I guess I am feeling slightly pressured upon myself. Adulthood seems scary, because we all know that this is the stage where we have to make important decisions on our own, and we have to take up that responsibility to give back to whom who have loved us dearly ever since we were brought into this world. As I look at the baby, I tried picturing myself being that small, vulnerable, knowing nothing at all. The only expression that could be read from a baby's expression, would be loud cries, and happy faces. Anything in between, would be an absolutely blankness. I mean, what does a baby know, right? It was the time that we needed most caring of, most attention, probably the most troublesome stage we could ever be. Random cryings in the middle of the night, waking up people of the house, just because we feel discomfort. But when people see us, they would feel happy, joy.

How is that possible? :O

As we grow up, we become those eager beings, protesting that we wanting things, asking never ending questions that even adults find it difficult to answer at times. We learned to talk, we learned to run, we learned so much about the beautiful world that we never knew. We still could not fully understand why certain things function at a certain way, but we are there, asking without fail. We learned that we can have choices, and we learn to like things and dislike things. We learn to interact with other people. The point of time where we learn so much, but everything was still enjoyable. There was nothing we needed to worry about, all we know, was to be happy.

People would still look at us and go in awe, complimenting on how adorable we looked. Though secretly, our parents would probably just dismiss the fact of how much of a nuisance we are to them, and would probably agree or disagree with the compliment. But parents will still be proud with the littlest things that they thought we wouldnt do, we do. Somewhat of a grown up thing in us that they see, that they would be grinning about.

The first ten years of life, as my point of view as a 19 year old, seems completely delusional. I would have to say that these delusional little beings are the reason that brings us back to our days, that we too had that much fun. It somehow is intriguing to listen to what they have to say, and just imagine what they would think about when they have reached our stage of time.

The next tenth of life, I would have to say, the most heartbreaking years for our dear parents. With the mindset of ours: 'parents don't understand me'. Countless number of rebels that we do, going against our parents in whatever way that we can. Little did we know, we were breaking their hearts. What more when they know our next stage would be the time where we will leave their side for a certain period of time or for good. Those worrying days where they pray that we still know the rights from wrongs, hoping that we will turn out to be good people in the future.

Right now, I am picturing whatever that had happened in my teen days, probably does affect alot on what I am thinking and deciding on now. The future, is probably the scariest thing to predict, not knowing what exactly will happen, not knowing how will things turn out to be. And it is then where we pretty much make or break our lives.

What do I do with my future? If there is anything I wanna do then, I pretty much have to making a start somewhere now. A decision on what I should be studying now, and what I will be after I graduate. Seems like it's so narrowed down that there is no alternative way to it, other than starting all over again.

Sometimes looking at children being all happy, just brings me back to the days where I could be happy at almost everything. Sometimes I partially feel sad for them that they will eventually lose out at least half of that happiness and grow up to be a normal being like the rest of us. Yet we can't stop them from growing up too fast. The future's generation.

Hello bloggerville,

It has been sometime since I last blabbed here, haven't I? Still would wonder who actually takes time off to read random ramblings of my life here on my blog. Especially lately when I have pretty much, NOTHING to talk about. Been trying to avoid Twitter and Facebook as much as I can, as I came to realisation that I am pretty much putting my social life all over these online social sites. Which is undoubtedly, a very very very bad habit to have. As much as I tried avoiding to post much things on these two sites, I pretty much couldn't run away from it. Maybe it's because I had nothing else to do, other than hogging these social sites, stalking people who I may, or may not know, being entertained by what they are posting, and pondering about what they posted.

Seems lifeless. But it seems like I really had nothing better to do. I tried escaping the internet realm for at least a week, limiting my status updates, and spams on Twitter. I just found it absolutely difficult to avoid just to have a glance or two at almost every hour. To a point where I tried avoiding contact with my beloved laptop at all costs. Which I have succeeded, with a minimum streak of 3 days, perhaps. But then again, I have two mobiles with easy excess to the internet. This in turn has absolutely eliminated my initial acts to begin with. :/

I tried finding other stuff to do, avoiding myself from logging into Facebook and Twitter. For instance, travelling on a long distance journey to the city, which would take me an hour, the internet really helped me in abundance of time killing, and avoiding from falling asleep and missing my stop. This is absurd. But for the past one to two weeks, I have been trying to distract myself, by studying while riding my public transportation. It helped. But it also meant that I would have ran out of reading substance to do for the rest of my free times.

YouTube has been contributing to my total time wasting hours too. ahhhhhhhh..

Two units, with the similar syllabus, but it's actually two absolutely different unit altogether. Even yesterday when I was doing my environmental bio unit, it had a question where I learned from my geography unit. Thank god, that bio paper was a multiple choice question. But tomorrow's paper, the geo one, is fully subjective. Plus the fact that I had the whole one week to cover these two units, and aside from the non-presence of past year questions to be done, I HAD ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DO ALMOST EVERYTHING I WANTED.

It literally felt like I was on a holiday already. I really can't imagine what it would be like when my holiday really comes. All those Facebook and Twitter.. WHERE HAS MY LIFE GONE?!

I used to be those kind who would complain at people who posts nonsense Facebook status and having numbered likes. I, for one, has fallen for that trap where I wanted attention. Facebook likes has given me that weird dose of adrenaline, thinking that people are actually interested in what I say. I really hope you would understand from where I am coming from. On days where I don't go out with friends, all I do is lie in bed, and just spend my entire day there. On days when I have nothing to do, all I would do is pretty much.. nothing.

Now that examination period is almost over, and it's summer break. I really have no idea how am I going to survive this long stretch of loneliness and boredom. Frisbee had been keeping me company for the past few weeks, but by the end of this month, I have a feeling that it will eventually come to an end.

It really does feel like I have no life, other than Facebook and Twitter. Those little joys in life, were temporary. Knowing that it is all temporary, it was necessary for me to grasp as much as I could, otherwise I would miss that one chance to 'rejuvenate'.

Hrmmmm..

I pretty much live in my own world.

A world full of laughters, smiles, and happy spirit. A world where everything is adorable and beautiful. A world that is lighted up by pretty colours of a rainbow, and a spray of different hues of colours all streak upon the sky. Everything seemed perfect. It is a happy place.

I used to be able to write a much longer paragraph of those descriptive things. It is either I couldn't be bothered to write more on it, or I simply am blocked out by my own creativeness.

Huh?

Mehhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I just wish I could be a child forever. Nothing to worry about. Just a happy carefree kid. Forever.

Dream on, sister!

Well hello there. It's about 15 minutes til today ends, feeling like blogging, but I have yet to have a topic in my head that would be worth talking about.. yet? Hopefully that 'point' would come up sometime soon as I babble my way through my post today. Most likely in a most random way possible. I miss being absolutely random though. Where things just didn't matter, and everything would be fine.

If only things could always be that simple. Waking up, having a list of things to do, allowing things to just flow in a way that it is absolutely free. Nothing to hold it back from progressing. Unlike the past two days where I would wake up, not knowing what to do next. Also the fact that you know you have a whole bunch of things to deal with, you just end up feeling overly lazy about it, leaving it til the later days to deal with. Why? Cause it feels like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want at this point of time. Not the typical, rushed and packed daily life that I used to have.

This can be deteriorating. Dang. I really need to set my priorities right. :/ But really, right now I have passed my phase of hardship as a first year international student. With me blabbing on and on and on, endlessly about how much I have changed with almost every post I have ever posted. Hrmm.. Maybe I should talk about something that I have yet to change ever since I step foot here.. ?

ONE. I am lazy as ever. This very bad habit of mine has caused me to have severe gastric pains last year. Staying back in college just because my last class ended at 4.30 then, and I would normally stay back and hang around in the library til about 8-9pm, I developed the habit of not eating, just because I didn't feel like eating. Also since I didn't have the habit of having breakfast in the morning, it also meant that I was pretty much fasting my way through the day. WHAT NOT? Gastric. Somehow, I never learned from that. Even right now, it's gotten worse. Because then, I still could go home and have home cooked food waiting for me to gorge into. Here? I have to rely on my own cooking abilities and also my patience in getting food into my tummy.

The laziness and the whole lot of excuses I give myself, left me eating very unhealthily and sometimes, not eating much for a few days straight. I question myself, why would I torture myself? But laziness wins. :/

Health really is important regardless. One where everyone seems to be neglecting, assuming it wouldn't be a big deal. Til the day when everyone grows old, and the impacts of what our younger days initiated, we are all going to regret badly.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh.. Bad bad bad attitude. But it's my life. And because it doesn't feel like it's an impact to anyone else, I GIVE NO CRAP.. somehow. As long as I am not a bother to other people around me.. right?

Hrmph. Room has been a complete mess too! I couldn't even bother folding my clothes and they are all piled up in my open luggage, right there clogging up my walkway to my bed. It's not only ONE luggage that is filled with clothes, it's actually BOTH of my luggage are open and filled with clothes. Not to mention my books being sprawled all over the floor.

I AM A MESS! D:

Have been trying to blog for the past few days, they all ended up as my drafts. My head was going through so much that I couldn't finish what I started with. In all honesty, I wish I had a headphone or a loudspeaker in my head that speaks whatever that is going through my head. It feels like all these nonsense are just there and is clogging up my thinking capacity.

Then again, I may be saying so as a form of complaint. I have always been known to complain at almost everything possible. Just that for the past few months, I had very little people whom I could talk to, to complain to, it was all clogged up in my head, with pretty much nowhere to go. But hey. It does feel like my old habit is back. With so much more input that I see and experience, I just had to have a thought or two about what I am seeing and experiencing. It got me considering my action, questioning myself if I was doing the right thing or completely wrong. It also got me going through a long pause whenever I needed to make a decision, wondering if it would be the right decision or otherwise. Which, in a matter, I would always assume its the wrong one.

I mean, there is no way you could predict what could really happen in the future, right? One day you have this decision, picturing it to be the perfect life you will see unfolding before your eyes. Then when that day comes, you feel truly disappointed when everything isn't as lavishing as you thought it would be. Because of that, I started to see everything negatively, and be pleasantly blown away whenever things do happen to turn out in a good manner.

Then of course, it is always safer to have a plan, a guideline ready to have a little bit of faith in waking up the next day, in finding a reason to be breathing as you are today.

Me plan, is to graduate with a degree with the word Zoology written on it, as of now, there is no plan to forgo Honours, as I figured that after I have graduated, I would go into the working field.. as an airstewardess. It's a plan, where I get to travel, and work and serve people and meet all kinds of people, also, earning enough money for both me and my mother. Hopefully once I am satisfied with what I have, then I would let it go, and continue my studies with animals.

My passion lies within the lives of animals. I may be human, but it still feels like there is much more to life, than us, humans by our own. If I do get a job, once I am done with this stage of animal studies, I would probably leave the world satisfied.

I am crazy enough to think that I can change the world's perspective towards animals someday. But to do so, I need to learn more about them vocabulary-less beings, our friends on Earth. That, someday will come. Even if I die not changing the world, but if I do learn enough of what I need to know, it's still good enough for me.

I may be overly repetitive of what I am dying to do. It is taking me years to be where I want to be, from today. Even right now, I am not even close to the half way point of my plan, I have diverged myself into having an interest in Biomedical Science. Oh. That look in my aunt's face when I asked her about this unit. It breaks my heart.

If I hadn't had this plan laid out before me, I would imagine myself going through so much more difficult times, trying to cram both Zoology and Biomedical Science, prolonging my years from 3 to 5 years of studying. Looking at my academic capabilities, I know I am incapable of keeping up. There is no point, when I could see myself suffering though my 5 years, probably risking fails and only mere passes in all my units, possibly wasting another two years worth of nothing, coming out and getting a job that I probably wouldn't like and then rot my life away.

I wouldn't think like that if I hadn't see the adults struggling with their lives, working and doing things that they are not passionate about, being slaves to themselves, just to keep their heads above water. I, would rather drown and do what I like, even if it means I will have a shorter life. At least I die, with a happy heart. Isn't that, what matters most?

You may have been seeing alot of words related to death in this post. Sorry, but it does seem like it's slowly creeping in on us. As a child, we know nothing about death, we only know that they are no longer there, physically in our lives. But now.. it feels like it is everything.

I constantly think that I shouldn't be alive, considering how much burden I have served for as long as I have existed. I honestly think that life would have been so much of a better place, if I had not existed. It feels like my existence has no significance in life.

Pretty sure I am not the only one who feels that way, but I do go to the extreme a little. I imagine how I would die. I imagine myself returning as a ghost, walking amongst people and just watching but there is nothing I could do. I imagine that I could just leave the world as it is, and there is nothing that I needed to worry about, leaving the world to be a better place.

But the thing is, I am already breathing. The only thing that is not allowing me to commit suicide, is the fact that once I go, that will be the end of me. All those plans and efforts I have spent trying to make things right, all those people whom I have literally owe my life to, all those people who have spent their moments worrying for me.. Death, will never be the answer.

Sometimes things may be overwhelming. Sometimes you just feel like curling up in a foetal position and sit there, hoping someone would come and pick you up. Sometimes you just wish there is a guide, somewhere out there to tell you that you will be fine, that you are doing the right thing.

But most of the time, you just gotta suck it up, and brave the world as though nothing is holding you back at all. Plant that smile on your face, and be the cheerleader of your own. Play your own game, bring the sunshine to the lives of those around you.

Everyone has got their own story to tell. Everyone, is their own warrior.

The Sun will always shine, the moon will always brighten up the night.

You're breathing.
Just smile.

:)